Bill Clinton meets Jesus (joke)

[g5000]

A Russian spy, a sexual predator and a billionaire walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What can I get you, Mr. President?”

 

[notmyfault2020]

Maxine Watters meets Jesus

says "I know you're not going to send me to Hell. Yes, there was that little problem of me not being pro-life but hey.. it's just a fetus until it's born."

Jesus: But God created the fetuses or whatever name you put on them. A rose by any other name.. Then there's how you told Americans to attack Republicans where they eat and where they live..

Maxine: (nervous chuckle reminiscent of the Cackling VP) Oh, that... well, that was just.. you know.. a joke..

Jesus: Are you trying to lie even to ME?!

Maxine: Well... (another nervous laugh reminiscent of the Cackling VP) .. Um... I don't want to go to Hell. I hear it's rather hot and uncomfortable down there. So, um...

How about I give a million dollars?

 

[rightwinger]

That says something about a person.. putting Jesus in the same sentence as the F word

You yourself appear to be on your way to Hell (not saying that just bc I don't like your politics either, but because.. See first part of my post here

Just demonstrating to you how to properly construct a joke.

You see Jesus never endorses profanity. But when confronted with those who voted for Trump, he can’t help himself.

Secondly, every person who voted for Trump gets sent to HELL.

Now THATS funny!

 

[notmyfault2020]

FBI head meets Jesus

FBI dude: I have a whole dossier on you

Jesus: From Satan, no doubt

FBI: Well.. the accusation has been made it's from Satan but really, it's reliable. Really, it is. A lot of people believe in this dossier, not just.. you know.. that guy with the pitchfork

Jesus: What does it say in the dossier?

FBI: It says there are so many different versions of the Bible, that you cannot be believed anymore. Maybe you are just a figment of my imagination standing there before me.. or, um... gulp.. something

Jesus: Yeh, maybe. But anyhow, why did your agency lie about Trump?

FBI: Oh, that... that was just.. well, you know. Hey, who says we were lying? Just the Republicans say that.. you're not one of them, are you?

Jesus: Are you going to lie to me like Maxine Watters and the rest?

FBI dude: Oh no.. Am I going off to that icky place? Hey... How about I give you a million dollars?

 

[notmyfault2020]

notice the comon denominator: they all try to buy themselves .. whatever they want

 

[rightwinger]

You yourself appear to be on your way to Hell (not saying that just bc I don't like your politics either, but because.. See first part of my post here

You would normally be correct about me going to Hell for saying that Jesus would say Fuk

But with 74 million Trump voters headed for Hell, there will be plenty of room for me

 

[notmyfault2020]

You would normally be correct about me going to Hell for saying that Jesus would say Fuk

But with 74 million Trump voters headed for Hell, there will be plenty of room for me

How about you try to give Jesus a million dollars?

lol

 

[rightwinger]

How about you try to give Jesus a million dollars?

lol

A million dollars?

I would buy Jesus a beer!

 

[notmyfault2020]

A million dollars?

I would buy Jesus a beer!

He would prefer you give him your sins.. and then renounce them forever so you can be with Him forever.

 

[rightwinger]

He would prefer you give him your sins.. and then renounce them forever so you can be with Him forever.

You can confess a lot of sins while drinking beer

 

[notmyfault2020]

You can confess a lot of sins while drinking beer

maybe. Butmost people drinking beer tend to not think of such things, depending on how much they have imbibed.

 

[notmyfault2020]

Adam Schiffty meets Jesus

LOL

He would be more likely to offer Jesus not $$ but a boatload of evidence against Trump

"Seriously, Dude.. I got the goods on the orange man.. Seriously.. I just have to get it all together, ya know?

Surely that's sufficient to secure my one way ticket out of Hell... uh.. I mean, you know... assuming you are thinking of sending me there at all?

" I don't think you are. You are merciful, right? You tossed out that angry, vengeful, Old Testament wrath of God thing a LONG time ago.. didn't you? Um... yeh.. Well, didn't you? (gulp)

Ok.. how about I give you a million dollars. "

 

[notmyfault2020]

Obama, Hillary Clinton and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?”

Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen.”

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Clinton and says, “And what do you believe?”

Clinton ponders for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”

God is greatly moved by Clinton’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, “And you, Donald, what do you believe?”

Trump replies, “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Yes, I am sure you are correct.. that God allows non-repentant womanizer/rapist/country-destoyers who murder helpless children into Heaven before He would let in repentant, pro-life -- and DID something about it ) [ ended legal child murder at the federal level]) -- people

you have a sick god

 

[ABikerSailor]

The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

Now THIS is funny! Your other jokes are also pretty good. Hell of a lot better than the OP's lame attempt at humor.

 

[ABikerSailor]

A million dollars?

I would buy Jesus a beer!

Yanno..................I think He'd appreciate that much more than the offer of a million dollars. A million bucks says that you want someone to do something for you and then people who give you the million think that they own you after that.

Buying someone a beer? That is significant, as it means you think enough of them to spend some of your time (which is much more valuable than money) with them and do a bit of sharing.

 

[Moonglow]

You need to work on your punch lines

And timing.

 

[Batcat]

MAGA thinks slipping on a banana peel or pie in the face is funny

They really don’t have much of a concept of humor

Conservatives have a much better concept of humor than liberals. Liberals shut down comedians because they are politically incorrect.

Liberals, where is your sense of humor? - The Independent | News Events Opinion More

When the Bee responded to CNN with “CNN Attacks Babylon Bee: ‘The internet is only big enough for one fake news site’,” liberals lost their sense of humor.

suindependent.com

 

[rightwinger]

Conservatives have a much better concept of humor than liberals. Liberals shut down comedians because they are politically incorrect.

Liberals, where is your sense of humor? - The Independent | News Events Opinion More

When the Bee responded to CNN with “CNN Attacks Babylon Bee: ‘The internet is only big enough for one fake news site’,” liberals lost their sense of humor.

suindependent.com

OK

Name a Conservative Comedian

 

[Cellblock2429]

OK

Name a Conservative Comedian

/----/ Sure thing, Spanky.

The Funniest Conservative Comedians of All Time

This list contains information about the best conservative comedians, loosely ranked by user votes. The best conservative comedians come in many forms. Some famous comedians who are republicans joke about family in their stand-up acts while other conservative comedians crack wise about liberals...

www.ranker.com

 

[notmyfault2020]

bidum meets Jesus after death

Jesus: Off to Hell with you

bidum: What? Why?

Jesus: you know why

bidum: yeh... yeh, i guess I do.. can't lie to You, can I?

Jesus: You tried

bidum: Yeh... guess I tried to all my life.. I thought you would have more mercy..

Jesus: I have as much mercy as you did as president... toward the US military people left behind in Afghanistan .. toward the unborn

Bidum: It's getting very hot for some reason... How about I give you a million dollars?