Anything Goes Humor

[Hossfly]

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[Hossfly]

 

[Hossfly]

 

[Hossfly]

 

[bluzman61]

OK, here's a somewhat grisly joke/riddle, but hopefully you'll find it humorous - Q : What was found when they did the autopsy on Jeffrey Dahmer? A : Jimmy Hoffa!

 

[bluzman61]

How many people does it take to circumcise a whale? Four-Skin Divers!

 

[bluzman61]

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Thanks for the post! I've seen this before, it's like the cats are thinking, "WTF was THAT?"

 

[bluzman61]

One of George Carlin's better ones - "Why is it that in public a man can prick his finger, but not finger his prick?"

 

[Hossfly]

Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.
It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".
Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy". So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.
.

 

[bluzman61]

Speaking of divorce, an acquaintance got a divorce and the cheating wife and her lawyer raked him over the coals, gave her half his worth and arranged for the wife to have custody of the child which devastated the man. He vowed he would get even one day. Well, a couple years later he was jogging in the sand at Myrtle Beach when he tripped over a hard, sharp object. He bent down, picked it up and saw it was a shiny metal oil lamp like he had seen in pictures of Arabia.
It was covered with sand and in order to read the inscription, he rubbed off the sand and there was a bright flash of light , a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared there stood a scrawny little bowlegged dude dressed in baggy pajamas, pointy sandals and a turban on his head. He told my friend, "I am a genie and you have released me from the lamp after a thousand years and I must grant you three wishes. But I must warn you that for every wish you make, every lawyer in America will receive double".
Thinking hard my friend said, "Well, here goes. I wish I had a Rolls Royce". There was a flash and a crack and there stood a Rolls. At the same time there were two Rolls in the driveway of every lawyer in America. The genie said, "Be wise because you are making the lawyers richer". My friend said, "No sweat, I have it covered and for my second wish I would l would like a million dollars". Flash, Crack, and there appeared a stack of a million and each lawyer had two million in his bank account. The genie told him,"For your third wish be very careful because now all the lawyers are very wealthy". So my friend thought long and hard then told the genie "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing". Then, swallowing hard and taking a deep breath, announced, "for my third wish, I....... I..... I, (gulp) wish to donate a kidney".
And that is the true story of my friend's divorce outcome.
.

Hilarious! Thanks for the post.

 

[bluzman61]

Here's one in celebration of St. Patrick's Day - What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

 

[bluzman61]

What did the Native American and Polish couple name their child? Little Running Dumbshit.

 

[bluzman61]

Why did the Italian boat sink? Because it was WOP sided!

 

[bluzman61]

What do the tires on an Italian car sound like? Dey Go, "Wop, Wop, Wop, Wop......"

 

[bluzman61]

What's the biggest reason Poland has yet to put a man on the moon? Because their astronauts keep falling off their KITES.....

 

[ABikerSailor]

Willie was the chemist's son................
Willie is no more.
What Willie thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.

(that's how I remembered the chemical formula for sulfuric acid back in high school. Still with me after over 40 years).

 

[bluzman61]

And one more CLASSIC Polish joke - How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree? Wave.

 

[ABikerSailor]

Q: What do you call a one legged woman standing next to a wall?
A: Eileen.

Q: What do you call the same woman if she is of Asian descent?
A: Irene.

 

[bluzman61]

What could you say about a group of lawyers covered to their necks in cement? Not QUITE enough cement!

 

[Hossfly]