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Anything Goes Humor
- Thread starter Bonzi
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Wyld Kard
Platinum Member
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rightwinger
Award Winning USMB Paid Messageboard Poster
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Billie Burke was 55 when she played Glinda
They called her the good witch, but really, I am not so sure.....
Wyld Kard
Platinum Member
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
Yousaidwhat
Diamond Member
A troubled man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
He swallows the drink in one gulp, pulls a photo out of his breast pocket, looks at it and returns it to his pocket.
He orders another drink, downs it one gulp, looks at the picture and puts it back.
The bartender fills his glass all evening, watching him take the picture out of his pocket and returning it to his pocket and swallowing his drinks.
The man pulls the picture out of his pocket and orders another drink.
The bartender says to the man, "Every time you take a drink why do you look at the photo?"
The man swallows the drink in one gulp, looks at the bartender and says, " It's a photograph of my wife, when she's good looking it's time to go home!
He swallows the drink in one gulp, pulls a photo out of his breast pocket, looks at it and returns it to his pocket.
He orders another drink, downs it one gulp, looks at the picture and puts it back.
The bartender fills his glass all evening, watching him take the picture out of his pocket and returning it to his pocket and swallowing his drinks.
The man pulls the picture out of his pocket and orders another drink.
The bartender says to the man, "Every time you take a drink why do you look at the photo?"
The man swallows the drink in one gulp, looks at the bartender and says, " It's a photograph of my wife, when she's good looking it's time to go home!
- Mar 3, 2013
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Yousaidwhat
Diamond Member
A white guy, a black guy and a Mexican are swimming off the coast.
3 sharks appear and the first shark circles the white guy and eats him.
The second shark circles the black guy and eats him.
The third shark circles the Mexican once, then twice and then a third time.
He returns to the other sharks without eating the Mexican.
The two sharks ask the third," why didn't you eat him?"
The third shark says, " the last time I ate one of those my ass hurt for two days!"
3 sharks appear and the first shark circles the white guy and eats him.
The second shark circles the black guy and eats him.
The third shark circles the Mexican once, then twice and then a third time.
He returns to the other sharks without eating the Mexican.
The two sharks ask the third," why didn't you eat him?"
The third shark says, " the last time I ate one of those my ass hurt for two days!"
Yousaidwhat
Diamond Member
An Italian guy goes to an Italian restaurant in America. He orders a bowl of spaghetti.
The waitress brings him the bowl of of spaghetti and places it in front of him.
Is there anything else, she says.
He looks at the bowl of spaghetti and then at the waitress and says. " I come-a to dis-a nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables and-a nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da ****.
She says to the Italian, what did you say?
The Italian says to the waitress, I come-a to dis-a nice-a Italian restaurante. It has-a nice chairs, nice-a tables and and a nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da ****.
The waitress gets the manager and he confronts the Italian. What is wrong sir, says the manager.
The Italian, apparently frustrated, says to the manager, I come-a to you nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables, da nice-a waitress and da nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you waitress, she no give-a me da ****.
The manager says to the Italian, I'm calling the Police. You can't ask my waitress for sex!
The Italian looks at the manager and gestures like he his jacking off. No, no, not dis-a kind-a ****, dis-a kind. Gesturing towards his mouth as if fork in hand.
The waitress brings him the bowl of of spaghetti and places it in front of him.
Is there anything else, she says.
He looks at the bowl of spaghetti and then at the waitress and says. " I come-a to dis-a nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables and-a nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da ****.
She says to the Italian, what did you say?
The Italian says to the waitress, I come-a to dis-a nice-a Italian restaurante. It has-a nice chairs, nice-a tables and and a nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you no give-a me da ****.
The waitress gets the manager and he confronts the Italian. What is wrong sir, says the manager.
The Italian, apparently frustrated, says to the manager, I come-a to you nice-a restaurante. You have-a da nice-a chairs, da nice-a tables, da nice-a waitress and da nice-a bowl of-a da spaghetti, but you waitress, she no give-a me da ****.
The manager says to the Italian, I'm calling the Police. You can't ask my waitress for sex!
The Italian looks at the manager and gestures like he his jacking off. No, no, not dis-a kind-a ****, dis-a kind. Gesturing towards his mouth as if fork in hand.
Last edited:
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Yousaidwhat
Diamond Member
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