Anyone else grieving?

[emilynghiem]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Ok this is telling.

If you read Philosophy especially Catholic Philosophy it tells you that for all sorts of logical reasons it is impossible to conceive that there is no God.

And if there is a God then He/She/They would have prepared an afterlife for us for the same logical reasons. The logical constructions are complex but if you read enough philosophy it makes sense.

You can fast forward and google San Tomas Aquinas and read his "5 proofs of God". This is official Catholic doctrine as well as being pure Philosophy.

The next step is Religion. People who have suffered a first loss to death often use that experience to become involved in a church group somewhere. My personal recommendation is the Catholics of course. But the Protestant Lutherans or Anglican are good too because they are very similar to the Catholics -- there is very little difference other than their rebellion against Rome in the 1500's.

If you try to do this without religion then you are weaker.

Since I am confident there is a God, and confident there is an afterlife, and confident in the Catholic, Lutheran, and Anglican Churches then strongly recommend you to one of them now.

Hi yiostheoy I have found people call God by different things.
Some people do not see life or the universe and its laws as "personal'
but see it in secular nontheistic terms. Like Buddhists may see truth or wisdom in life.
but not attach that to a personified figure or relationship. Does that make sense?

 

[emilynghiem]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.

Everyone else I know who had prostate cancer died from it.

If my buddy from high school survives it he will be the first.

Those are not good odds.

If you catch it early it's treatable.

I know two people who did very well after treatment.
One was middle aged the other older but they diagnosed it in time.

 

[ricechickie]

Dear ricechickie I would be lost without my honey.
Bless you and you are doing great to make it that first year.
Wow. You are very brave and I admire you.

This has to be harder than losing a parent. With other family,
the first two years are hardest, if you can make it to 5 you can make it to 10.

I think I would just want to give up and not do anything if I lost my honey.

I have been told by others that losing a child is the worst thing.

So obviously military families who lose their sons or daughters have the worst grief from it.

But grief is grief.

Grief comes from losing something that you love.

I would cry now if I lost my cat. I love my cat.

I would cry if I lost my sister too. Or my niece. I love them too.

In Greek there are 3 kids of love. Unselfish love is the highest of these. They are usually reserved for our children. You cannot replace children.

I can't even fathom losing one of my children. I think that would be harder. But grief, especially at the early months, can be hell.

Anything that dulls the pain is fair game. I have lost myself in work, then zombied in front of the tv with a drink. I'm emerging from that stage.

Be careful with the alcohol. it is a dangerous drug.

It can get out of control if you don't have rules.

And it can make your grief worse if you drink too much since chemically it is a depressant and already being emotionally depressed it could push you over the edge.

You definitely need to have a one drink limit per day as a woman.

That ship has sailed.

I know that I shouldn't rely on it, but drinking was part of my life before he died, too.

One wine glass of wine per day needs to be your daily limit.

You cannot let yourself drink more.

And there should be one day like Sunday where you don't drink at all so you can detox.

Those are the rules you need to follow.

If you cannot follow these rules then you need to get yourself into AA and give up alcohol completely.

How much bourbon is allowed? (she asked facetiously)

There's so much on this thread, and I've got to go to work tomorrow. I do want to thank you all who responded, it really does help. I'll have to come back tomorrow to reread, because there's so many good things on here.

Good night.

 

[yiostheoy]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Ok this is telling.

If you read Philosophy especially Catholic Philosophy it tells you that for all sorts of logical reasons it is impossible to conceive that there is no God.

And if there is a God then He/She/They would have prepared an afterlife for us for the same logical reasons. The logical constructions are complex but if you read enough philosophy it makes sense.

You can fast forward and google San Tomas Aquinas and read his "5 proofs of God". This is official Catholic doctrine as well as being pure Philosophy.

The next step is Religion. People who have suffered a first loss to death often use that experience to become involved in a church group somewhere. My personal recommendation is the Catholics of course. But the Protestant Lutherans or Anglican are good too because they are very similar to the Catholics -- there is very little difference other than their rebellion against Rome in the 1500's.

If you try to do this without religion then you are weaker.

Since I am confident there is a God, and confident there is an afterlife, and confident in the Catholic, Lutheran, and Anglican Churches then strongly recommend you to one of them now.

Hi yiostheoy I have found people call God by different things.
Some people do not see life or the universe and its laws as "personal'
but see it in secular nontheistic terms. Like Buddhists may see truth or wisdom in life.
but not attach that to a personified figure or relationship. Does that make sense?

I would not recommend someone who is grieving to Buddhism or Confucianism or Hinduism or any other Asian religion. These do not give anyone any strength. They are simply stoic.

You can be stoic on your own. And even then you will be weaker than if you have a great Christian church (Catholic or Protestant) to support you.

These churches have support systems that will accept you and keep you company and teach you things about eternal life from the Bible.

Death is a huge painful trial and not good to be faced alone.

 

[yiostheoy]

How much bourbon is allowed?

NONE !!!

That stuff is bad for women. Really really bad.

 

[emilynghiem]

Losing someone close is a sonofabitch.
Lost my Father when I was 16,you feel robbed of showing him that he raised you well.
I just hope there is a heaven and he see's how good a father he was.

That's what my kids are dealing with. They are just about grown, but he didn't see them as full adults. I find myself hoping that there's some kind of afterlife, too. He wasn't a believer.

Ok this is telling.

If you read Philosophy especially Catholic Philosophy it tells you that for all sorts of logical reasons it is impossible to conceive that there is no God.

And if there is a God then He/She/They would have prepared an afterlife for us for the same logical reasons. The logical constructions are complex but if you read enough philosophy it makes sense.

You can fast forward and google San Tomas Aquinas and read his "5 proofs of God". This is official Catholic doctrine as well as being pure Philosophy.

The next step is Religion. People who have suffered a first loss to death often use that experience to become involved in a church group somewhere. My personal recommendation is the Catholics of course. But the Protestant Lutherans or Anglican are good too because they are very similar to the Catholics -- there is very little difference other than their rebellion against Rome in the 1500's.

If you try to do this without religion then you are weaker.

Since I am confident there is a God, and confident there is an afterlife, and confident in the Catholic, Lutheran, and Anglican Churches then strongly recommend you to one of them now.

Hi yiostheoy I have found people call God by different things.
Some people do not see life or the universe and its laws as "personal'
but see it in secular nontheistic terms. Like Buddhists may see truth or wisdom in life.
but not attach that to a personified figure or relationship. Does that make sense?

I would not recommend someone who is grieving to Buddhism or Confucianism or Hinduism or any other Asian religion. These do not give anyone any strength. They are simply stoic.

You can be stoic on your own. And even then you will be weaker than if you have a great Christian church (Catholic or Protestant) to support you.

These churches have support systems that will accept you and keep you company and teach you things about eternal life from the Bible.

Death is a huge painful trial and not good to be faced alone.

Sure yiostheoy I would say it takes a combination of Eastern and Western
approaches, both meditation and prayer.

It has been said that prayer is like talking with God
and meditation is listening and letting God answer.

So to have healthy two-way interactions, it takes both!

 

[ricechickie]

How much bourbon is allowed?

NONE !!!

That stuff is bad for women. Really really bad.

Yeah, well, that ship has sailed as well. And the scotch ship and the gin ship. Good thing I hate tequila, right?

Good night.

 

[emilynghiem]

How much bourbon is allowed?

NONE !!!

That stuff is bad for women. Really really bad.

I know of men who had terrible problems with alcohol.
Is it really worse for women?

 

[yiostheoy]

Sure yiostheoy I would say it takes a combination of Eastern and Western
approaches, both meditation and prayer.

It has been said that prayer is like talking with God
and meditation is listening and letting God answer.

So to have healthy two-way interactions, it takes both!

I think if someone is struggling with Western Religion then an Asian Religion will sometimes help them.

But I would not thrust myself or anyone else into an Asian religion while grieving because they simply give you nothing, like I said.

Asian religions only develop stoicism over time. You need time to grown stoicism. So that won't help you in a crisis.

So Asian religion is a weakness in a pinch.

Atheism and agnosticism are also a weakness. They also give you nothing in a pinch.

Jesus and the New Testament and a safe helpful (not predatory) church is the best bet in a crisis like death and grief. It is the message of hope and promise and the priests and nuns that you need.

 

[yiostheoy]

I know of men who had terrible problems with alcohol.
Is it really worse for women?

Well women are not like Native Americans -- who seem to have a special weakness for alcohol. My sister married a 1/2 Native American and alcoholism killed him. Her second hubby is Protestant and rarely drinks. She does not drink at all.

So back to women -- women are smaller and have less blood in them than men.

So when a woman drinks a shot and thinks that ok she has really drunk TWO shots by comparison. That's the problem with hard drinks and women.

Women should only drink one small drink per hour, not one full drink per hour. A shot is TWO drinks for a woman.

That's the problem.

 

[william the wie]

I know I'm a bad role model but when your dad is blinded in one eye when you are five, your brother nearly dies of rheumatic fever at seven, your mom has what she described as a psychotic break as a result of the pressure and your other brother saw his dreams destroyed as a redshirt at Maryland when you're 12 you may not become as low affect as me but grief to me is a blank book. My biggest concern is that if my wife dies the replacements on my block include a girl who "straightened" out after her second time in prison, three girls across the street (all but one street legal) that you couldn't pay me to go out with much less marry and similar problem children at other areas where I socialize. I know that because I assume those I am close to our going to die before I do.

 

[BULLDOG]

What was he like? Was there one or several things that he always did to make you smile?

He was a big teddy bear of a man. He could be imposing if you didn't know him, but really was a big softie. He was a stand-up comedian for years, but could never make that his full-time gig. So he also did lots of other jobs during our marriage.

When I think of him now, I just smile. He loved music, he had really eclectic tastes. He would play the same music for days, until the songs were stuck in my head. He'd also make up some parody lyrics, so now I can't hear some songs without thinking the wrong, and usually inappropriate, lyrics.

Of course, he had an over-developed sense of humor. Sometimes, I would just say, "Can you turn it off?" He couldn't. Now I end up saying the things that I know he would say in a conversation. It's like I absorbed his humor.

He was a great father. I think his true purpose in life was to be a dad. His face lit up for our babies. He would do anything for them. Anything and everything he could do.

Sounds like a great guy. He probably couldn't have been that great without you there with him.

 

[yiostheoy]

I know I'm a bad role model but when your dad is blinded in one eye when you are five, your brother nearly dies of rheumatic fever at seven, your mom has what she described as a psychotic break as a result of the pressure and your other brother saw his dreams destroyed as a redshirt at Maryland when you're 12 you may not become as low affect as me but grief to me is a blank book. My biggest concern is that if my wife dies the replacements on my block include a girl who "straightened" out after her second time in prison, three girls across the street (all but one street legal) that you couldn't pay me to go out with much less marry and similar problem children at other areas where I socialize. I know that because I assume those I am close to our going to die before I do.

I seriously doubt that ricechickie is ready to think about "a replacement" yet. That will take some more time possibly. She will need to get over her grief first.

 

[emilynghiem]

How much bourbon is allowed?

NONE !!!

That stuff is bad for women. Really really bad.

Yeah, well, that ship has sailed as well. And the scotch ship and the gin ship. Good thing I hate tequila, right?

Good night.

Good night ricechickie
Take care!

 

[yiostheoy]

When you lose someone that you loved emotionally and physically whether to death or infidelity or divorce, you need to get used to being single again. Everyone was single once, before marriage, so everyone is perfectly capable of doing so. It just takes time to reorient yourself to be a unit rather than a pair.

Eventually you get over the loss, and then you begin to look again for someone to fulfil that pairing lifestyle (unless you are like me -- a complete stoic who has no need of romantic ties of any kind -- too many bad experience in the past).

Or like me you may choose to stay single and immerse yourself into the lives of your children, nieces, nephews, siblings, and/or pets. Typically you will need something or someone, though not necessarily a lover.

If you can, get a puppy or a kitten. I have a cat. Cat's are easier because they tend to be independent when they are grown. But they will grow to love you like a dog will. Dogs are just faster to love you and more naturally gregarious than cats. So a pet is a good strategy.

It will take time to get over grief and used to being single again.

The very best thing is to go on a search for someone similar to the person you lost. Activity groups are good for this. So are churches. Really big churches are better than small churches as far as meeting people goes.

The very worst thing on this Earth that you can do is drown yourself in alcohol or other drugs. That just adds to your problems and gives you bigger problems.

 

[depotoo]

Father-in-law diagnosed with it 15 yrs ago, and treated. Still here at 79, and doing well, no sign of it since his seeding. Good luck to your friend.



Thoughts and prayers to all that have lost loved ones. There have been a number in my life.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Yes I've lost both parents my Mother pretty recently. I also lost a friend and co-worker to prostate cancer a year and a half ago. He was weeks away from retiring. All you can do is be thankful for the time you had and know he is in a better place and you will see him again.

I have a dear friend from high school who is like a brother to me who is dealing with prostate cancer now. If he goes I will be crushed. But we are both Catholic and this requires us to be strong and accept the hand God deals us.

Damn. I really hope he makes it. The kind my friend had was a rare form that is extremely aggressive. If your friend doesn't have that, they should be able to buy him a few more good years at a minimum.

Everyone else I know who had prostate cancer died from it.

If my buddy from high school survives it he will be the first.

Those are not good odds.

 

[Manonthestreet]

When Mom died dad went to grief counseling at the senior center, for several years. After a point I think it hurt him more than helped. After awhile they should have helped him put his grief away instead of keeping it raw.

To some extent I blame them in part for him ending up prematurely in a nursing home.

 

[yiostheoy]

My rules for drinking alcohol.

1 drink per day with dinner Monday thru Thursday. No more.

1 drink per hour on Friday evenings and/or Saturday evenings.

No drinking between midnight and sunset.

No alcohol at lunch.

No drinking on Sundays -- these are detox days.

One drink equals 1 glass of wine, 1 tall mug of beer, 1 mixed drink, or 1 shot of liquor.

I know personally that if you drink more than this it will kill you.

My niece cannot control her drinking so she may not drink at all and she knows it.

 

[Kat]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, I am grieving right now. I lost my mom at the end of January. She had Alzheimer's. Horrible way to die. And loved ones feel so helpless.
All along it will dawn on me that she died, and I say to myself ''My mom died'', like it is some revelation or something.

 

[yiostheoy]

I lost my husband in November 2015. Has anyone else lost someone recently, or even not recently? Sharing grief experiences can help, I've found.

Anyway, I guess I felt like sharing.

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, I am grieving right now. I lost my mom at the end of January. She had Alzheimer's. Horrible way to die. And loved ones feel so helpless.
All along it will dawn on me that she died, and I say to myself ''My mom died'', like it is some revelation or something.

Sorry for your loss too, Kat .

Our mom is going downhill fast.

She now is going deaf too. So she can't even talk on the phone anymore.

She hates the nursing home. She wants her old home back. The old home is gone.

She was wandering around the neighborhood lost and confused and the neighbors were calling the police.

Her memory only goes back about 2 or 3 minutes now.

My sister and her hubby both work and could not take her in. I wish they could have but they could not.

There was a PBS special on Alzheimer's yesterday that said this is a huge looming crisis when all of the Baby Boomers reach it.

My mom was the pre-Baby-Boom. That generation is called The Noble Generation because they suffered thru WW2. In the next 10 years they will all mostly be gone. Alzheimer's will take most of them.

Can't be helped. Old age is cruel. We are living so far past our 70's now that Alzheimer's is a major issue for all of us now, as I am sure you understand.

My sisters and I are resigned to our mother's likely death soon. It will be merciful when it happens.

Death is a gift at that stage in late life.

Once again, sorry for your loss Kat .