A Little Satire On UN Reforms and Kofi

[Annie]

http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=13700

Helping Kofi Annan Get Tough on Terror
Written by Joe Mariani
Saturday, March 26, 2005

Well, good for UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan! He wants to reform the UN, and it’s about time. Some might argue that he’s only doing it to distract attention from his role (and that of his son) in the massive Oil for Food scandal. For those who missed it, that’s the one in which Saddam Hussein pocketed over $20 billion while his people starved and went without decent medical care, while Saddam used Iraq’s oil to bribe France, China, and Russia into opposing any action on the 17 resolutions demanding he turn over all his illegal weapons and materials.

Some might say that Kofi’s trying to distract from all the other scandals the UN has been involved in under his management, from 800,000 dead in Rwandan genocide to forced prostitution run by UN troops in Bosnia to child rape in the Congo and sex crimes all throughout Africa to... well, the list goes on and on.

There are even some who say that Kofi Annan genuinely wants to reform the UN for the right reasons, to make it relevant and important in today’s world. Sure, that could happen. One step he intends to take is to adopt “a tough anti-terrorism treaty that would punish suicide bombers.” Well, as head of an organisation that normally excuses suicide bombers and condemns their victims (since a majority of its membership is made up of countries that support terrorism), Kofi might have some trouble figuring out how to do that.

As always, I am here to help. Here are some suggestions for how the UN might “get tough” on suicide bombers. Ready to take notes, Kofi?

1. Put them in jail. Only you’d better make sure it’s a good jail, with very small bars like a window screen. Otherwise, the bits and pieces of your prisoners just might escape.

2. Also, you’d better be sure that the floors in your jail cells are watertight. In fact, maybe you should just put the suicide bombers in Tupperware containers.

3. Stop giving their leaders Nobel Peace Prizes and treating them like rock stars. Terrorists, it seems, don’t usually speak English very well, so maybe they don’t realise that blowing stuff up isn’t peaceful.

4. Always close UN offices and leave the country when suicide bombers attack. It makes them feel ashamed... and that’s worse than death.

5. Make them purchase round-trip tickets on buses and planes, even though they intend to blow them up somewhere en route. The companies can use the extra cash to replace the blown-up vehicles, giving another suicide bomber his or her chance at Paradise.

6. Give countries that support and sponsor terrorism seats on the UN Security Council, just like Syria. That shows the suicide bombers that you respect them... which is all they really want (besides the death of every American and Israeli, of course).

7. Condemn the United States for not doing enough on its own. Although this won’t actually punish any suicide bombers, it will make them feel better. Also, this is more or less standard operating procedure for UN resolutions, so what the heck.

8. Condemn the United States for acting on its own, too. This will also have no effect other than to make the terrorists and the countries that support them feel better, but it’s also de rigueur for UN resolutions these days. Besides, France won’t like it if these two condemnations aren’t included.

9. Oh, while you’re condemning things, condemn Israel for continuing to exist in defiance of world opinion. Everybody would like that, except the United States (the spoilsports). After all, there probably wouldn’t be any suicide bombers if it weren’t for Israel, right? Who created that country, anyway?

10. Oh, right, this is about getting tough on suicide bombers. Well, maybe you can get the mainstream media to call them “terrorists” once in a while, instead of militants, insurgents, revolutionaries, rebels, kidnappers or freedom fighters. That’ll teach them a lesson they’ll never forget as long as they live.

Hope this helps, Kofi! Let me know if you need any more suggestions.

 

[HorhayAtAMD]

I really liked these two together:

7. Condemn the United States for not doing enough on its own...

8. Condemn the United States for acting on its own...

Damned if you do... :happy2: