After spending a while away from college, I've been watching a lot more TV, and I really haven't been missing much. I mean, nothing's original, and anything that succeeds is copied by those who made it and plagarized by those who didn't. Anyway, here are the top ten shows that piss me off. 10: The News. Tagline: And that's the way it is. My Response: Why should I care? Forget bias for a second, even though that really pisses me off. The news just doesn't report stuff that's actually important. I mean, there's a WAR on, people getting murdered all the time, fires, natural disasters, and crime, not to mention the slightly less exciting good news, but instead, they run with overinflated idiot stories like some black rally in Memphis about how Confederate Park is racist or the 5 year of hearings over the latest judicial nomination in which the same 3 people take turns saying the same thing. No wonder everybody gets their news from blogs. The TV news is f-ing boring. 9: [Insert Celebrity Name Here] Tagline: Taking you inside [insert name here]'s home for their day to day activities. My Response: Why the hell should I care? There's really nothing quite so pretensious and arrogant as putting some celebrity's private life on TV because it's supposed to actully be interesting enough to televise. The Osbournes was actually funny because the family was full of psychos, but I don't wanna watch Anna Nichole Whore whine about stuff or see Jessica Simpleton ask why a tuna can is chicken. My own life is interesting enough. 8: People Yelling at Each Other: LIVE! Tagline: We bring you the latest, hard-hitting issues with discussion by the experts. My Response: Please, use your indoor voice. Kind of an extension of the news, but I hate it for a different reason, and Fox News is the worst. In an attempt at a discussion, they get two rabid partisans on to talk about an issue that they are both fanatical about. Before it's over, I have to turn down the TV to avoid waking the dead. It would probably be more civilized if it was a cage match. What's worse is that they're almost exclusively politicians, and it only reminds me just how childish our nation's leaders are. 7: Formulaic Disney Cartoon Tagline: With all your favorite Disney characters!!! My Response: Your nose is growing... My God, do they use a computer program to write these things? They're all the same, and since most are based on movies, they're even worse. I mean, I can only see an unlikely hero overcome one of seven plot obstacles to save a friend or loved one with the help of one stuck up and one dopey ally so many times before I'm bored to tears. I think Disney has taken the monkey and the typewriter a bit too literally. 6: Mike Farrell & Alan Alda Tagline: I'm right. My Response: No, you're left, and I hate you. Not technically a T.V. show, but I like M*A*S*H, and these two ruined it for me. First off, Rev. Alda ruined the latter half of the T.V. show by writing the scripts and getting too preachy with too much use of "meatball surgury" and "this damn war." He also managed to take the 'com' out of sitcom, with episodes of a 'sitcom' that were not only intentionally non-humorous, but sucked worse than Yoko Ono. Then there's Mike Farrell, who ruined everything between his appearance and Alan Alda taking over by opening his big, fat mouth. The guy's a moron, and I just can't stand to hear his voice any more, and Tom Selleck has a better moustache, anyway. 5: Pat Robertson Tagline: Because this is what God wants to happen. My Response: Actually, I think you had better be glad God loves you, because I'm pretty sure what he wants is for you to shut up. Pat Robertson may have good intentions, but he really needs to learn the fine art of keeping one's foot away from the one's mouth. Every time he opens his big, fat mouth, I have to go on damage control to make sure the people I'm trying to reach don't think I agree with him. Maybe he should hire some writers. 4: They Had Sex Tagline: Find out Tammashieka's shocking secret today, on [insert name]. My Response: Is it possible to get a hardoff? You know what I'm talking about. It's Springer, Maury, etc., etc. These guys get the ugliest S.O.B.s on the face of the planet, then bring them on the show to tell everybody how they've all been sleeping around, followed by shouting matches, fights, and the occasional DNA test, lie detector, motivational speaker, or knock down, drag out fight. Then, sometimes they stray off topic and show you men who used to be or want to become women and vice versa. Don't watch without a vomit bag. 3: Reality Show Model B Tagline: Tune in to see who qualifies for round two and who doesn't have the right stuff. My Response: This is probably the second least realistic show on T.V. American Idol, The Bachelor, and the countless spinoffs. Model B is when at least one contestant is dismissed each week by a third party, either judges or some pretensious socialite who gets to keep one of the contestants at the end of the show. The only good part about the shows is watching the contestants make idiots out of themselves. The rest of it is usually sucking up. So far, the only one that is realistic is "The Apprentice," in which you have to suck up your boss to keep from being fired. 2: Reality Show Model A Tagline: Tune in to see who gets voted off this week. My Response: If i had invented this, I would be rich, but I would also have to perform ritual suicide. You see, this is my biggest problem with Survivor and its ilk. They usually stick somebody in a pretty wierd situation, like in the middle of the wilderness, but instead of letting them tough it out, they have a vote off to see who goes home every week. The winner is usually an asshole, because the nice guys are seen as 'a threat,' and I'd rather see people push themselves to their limits rather than just getting voted off before things really get interesting. I mean, it's supposed to be 'Survivor,' not 'Brown Noser.' Most of these gripes extend to the whole, generic family of shows. 1: Captain Planet Tagline: The power is YOURS! My Response: What the hell kind of gay power is 'heart,' anyway? This has got to be the gayest piece of crap to ever last more than 2 episodes, and it comes as no surprise that it's Ted Turner's love child. First off, it's propagandist crap where all the villians pollute the planet for the hell of it. I mean, seriously, does anybody think people just spend billions on crude oil just so they can dump it in the ocean? Oh, and Captain Planet's evil twin, especially the rings that summon him, has to be the gayest villian ever. Second, the heroes are a racial grab-bag of PC stereotypes. The accents are horrible, the Brazilian kid has a monkey, and they're all perfect, upright, and pure, except for the white American kid who constantly needs re-educating. I mean, he once asked why people have kids they can't support, and was instantly rebuked by the Asian girl who said, "Oh, so only the rich should have children?" Thirdly, the 'superhero' is a nancy boy whose weakness is also his sworn enemy. I mean, he's supposed to fight pollution, but being exposed to so much as a whiff of CO2 is enough to cripple him. Then, there was the time travel episode where he couldn't stand up to Hitler because hate is pollution, too. In fact, his most deadly weapon seemed to be terrible puns. And then there's the fact that the 'heroes' can't solve anything without this idiot. And then there's the fifth element they use. They've got earth (move mountains, cool), fire (burn stuff, very cool), wind (blow stuff around, cool), water (floods and waves and stuff, cool), and then they needed a fifth one, so they choose heart...heart...HEART?! I mean, really, I feel sorry for the kid. Imagine when they were doling them out, "Well, you don't get to burn things or anything cool like that. Instead, you get heart, but you get a monkey, too." You know, I've got a great season finale for them. I leave my lights on too long because I'm an evil conservative, so they come to my house. I make fun of that gay kid for having the power of 'heart.' Unable to withstand this assault on their self-esteem, they summon Captain Planet, who is easily defeated by a can of hair spray. Then I take the solar powered jet and car that they never mass produced to reduce pollution and sell it to GE for an amount of money that can only be expressed in scientific notation. Anyway, that's the end of the rant. Feel free to add anything you think I missed.