Relationships - Sacrifice.....

[Bonzi]

Question -

Is it better to make a sacrifice for someone (and bitch about it later and/or bring it up); or

To just not have made the sacrifice at all?

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Question -

Is it better to make a sacrifice for someone (and bitch about it later and/or bring it up); or

To just not have made the sacrifice at all?

Better to find someone who doesn't require you to change to suit them.

If you're really into someone though, and they do all your favorite things...Then adapting a little to suit their wishes might not be over the line.

Generally though, if partners require their SOs to change the relationship's already doomed to failure. Being forced to change is something that'll settle in the back of your mind and be a source of resentment and conflict for the rest of the relationship. Little things that would otherwise go unremarked on become more remarkable because they're added on to the change you had to perform.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

Relationships begin with people liking one another as-is. So I think the desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

 

[Bonzi]

If you're really into someone though, and they do all your favorite things...Then adapting a little to suit their wishes might not be over the line

This is more along the lines of what I was getting at... here is an example:

Wife agrees to go to an event with you that she doesn't want to attend, but you want her there.

She goes (sacrifice) but bitches about it afterwards and brings it up as how she made this sacrifice.

Better the she went or better she just not go -- ?

 

[Bonzi]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

 

[Correll]

If you're really into someone though, and they do all your favorite things...Then adapting a little to suit their wishes might not be over the line

This is more along the lines of what I was getting at... here is an example:

Wife agrees to go to an event with you that she doesn't want to attend, but you want her there.

She goes (sacrifice) but bitches about it afterwards and brings it up as how she made this sacrifice.

Better the she went or better she just not go -- ?

both parties need to make such sacrifices.

whining about it later is counterproductive.

bringing up to remind the other that it is their turn to take one for the team, is fine.

 

[G.T.]

My father in law is like this with all his kids.

He does things for them that they dont even ask him to do, and then later bitches about the sacrifice he made.

Theyd much rather he shut the fuck up and not make the sacrifice to begin with because bitching about it afterward taints it. It negates that it was nice, or selfless, and is an admission that it was done for their own eventual personal gain and not the favor receiver's.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

If you're really into someone though, and they do all your favorite things...Then adapting a little to suit their wishes might not be over the line

This is more along the lines of what I was getting at... here is an example:

Wife agrees to go to an event with you that she doesn't want to attend, but you want her there.

She goes (sacrifice) but bitches about it afterwards and brings it up as how she made this sacrifice.

Better the she went or better she just not go -- ?

Shouldn't have pressured her to go. Should never compel, pressure, coerce, or otherwise push people into doing things they don't want to (after their being children of course, "eat your veggies!" and the like heh.)

 

[Bonzi]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

Still, why not just leave the relationship (especially if no kids/marriage) - I think that's control.
Let's see how much power I can exert over this person.
Or, maybe, they like them sexually, but just not personally....?

 

[Correll]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

all people need to make adjustments in a long term relationship.

 

[Bonzi]

My father in law is like this with all his kids.

He does things for them that they dont even ask him to do, and then later bitches about the sacrifice he made.

Theyd much rather he shut the fuck up and not make the sacrifice to begin with because bitching about it afterward taints it. It negates that it was nice, or selfless, and is an admission that it was done for their own eventual personal gain and not the favor receiver's.

I'm like this in life. I don't want anyone doing something for me, because I don't want to hear about it later, and, I'm not sure I'm "selfless" enough to repay them. If that means I end up old and lonely, so be it. I understand the costs and am willing to pay them.

 

[Delta4Embassy]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

Still, why not just leave the relationship (especially if no kids/marriage) - I think that's control.
Let's see how much power I can exert over this person.
Or, maybe, they like them sexually, but just not personally....?

Many fear being alone again more than they find disagreements in the relationship bothersome. Like how abused partners stay with their abusers rather than leave. Why I've always felt being more self-reliant and learning to be happy 'alone in an empty room' was a good idea. Should never let another person become to deciding factor in our happiness. If not happy on your own you only make yourself dependent upon relationships. And that makes you being used or abused mroe likely.

 

[Correll]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

Still, why not just leave the relationship (especially if no kids/marriage) - I think that's control.
Let's see how much power I can exert over this person.
Or, maybe, they like them sexually, but just not personally....?

both parties have a right to have input on shared activities.

you really want to draw a line that the relationship is less important to you than going to see a movie that is more something your S.O. will like?

 

[Delta4Embassy]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

all people need to make adjustments in a long term relationship.

No such thing as a LTR except in hindsight. All relationships are trasient and short-term until looking back they aren't. Consequently, they can be ended at any point if things don't go well. When they reach LTR duration it's because people got used to each other, settled, feared being alone again, etc. But they never start as a LTR.

 

[G.T.]

My father in law is like this with all his kids.

He does things for them that they dont even ask him to do, and then later bitches about the sacrifice he made.

Theyd much rather he shut the fuck up and not make the sacrifice to begin with because bitching about it afterward taints it. It negates that it was nice, or selfless, and is an admission that it was done for their own eventual personal gain and not the favor receiver's.

I'm like this in life. I don't want anyone doing something for me, because I don't want to hear about it later, and, I'm not sure I'm "selfless" enough to repay them. If that means I end up old and lonely, so be it. I understand the costs and am willing to pay them.

You certainly dont want relationship advice from delta4embassy. He has little to no understandi g of real world humans and is a sadistic pervert who never leaves his computer chair but to replenish his tissue supply.

Anyhoo - yea selflessness is a special gift not even expected of everyone.

It can be argued on a deeper level that it doesnt exist at all - meaning, even for selfless acts the actor may be doing so to make themselves feel good - and to what end is that then selfish and where becomes selfless?

Interesting topic bruvva

 

[Bonzi]

you really want to draw a line that the relationship is less important to you than going to see a movie that is more something your S.O. will like?

But if I'm going to hear complaints about it, I'd rather they have not made the sacrifice at all.
Don't agree to see the movie and bitch about it or rub it in my face. I'd rather you be selfish and not go.

 

[Correll]

desire to change your partner is mostly a grass-is-greener thing.

How so? Why would you be with someone in the first place if you did not like them "as is"?
Isn't it more of a "control" vs. "Grass is Greener" issue?

Initially I think we ignore many things we notice better over time. Little quirks or annoyances we didn't notice or ignored earlier on being more into the whole idea of being in a new relationship. When the 'Christmas morning' thing wears off, we see people clearer.

Still, why not just leave the relationship (especially if no kids/marriage) - I think that's control.
Let's see how much power I can exert over this person.
Or, maybe, they like them sexually, but just not personally....?

Many fear being alone again more than they find disagreements in the relationship bothersome. Like how abused partners stay with their abusers rather than leave. Why I've always felt being more self-reliant and learning to be happy 'alone in an empty room' was a good idea. Should never let another person become to deciding factor in our happiness. If not happy on your own you only make yourself dependent upon relationships. And that makes you being used or abused mroe likely.

going to a movie the your partner wants to see is not equivalent to being abused.

my wife and i, for a while were taking turns, each month.

one of us would plan a date without any input from the other.

we had found that trying to come up with shared interests were causing us to simply fail in having dates.

one of her first ones was taking a glass blowing class.

i had no real interest, but it was not torture and we enjoyed doing it together.

after wards, there was wine and cheese and interactions with people different than we would normally meet.

another month, i required that she play an old board game that we played long long ago.

she had no real interest anymore, but it was not torture and we enjoyed doing it together.

after that i surprised her with dinner at a place we had never been to before.

give and take.

 

[Bonzi]

You certainly dont want relationship advice from delta4embassy. He has little to no understandi g of real world humans and is a sadistic pervert who never leaves his computer chair but to replenish his tissue supply.

Anyhoo - yea selflessness is a special gift not even expected of everyone.

It can be argued on a deeper level that it doesnt exist at all - meaning, even for selfless acts the actor may be doing so to make themselves feel good - and to what end is that then selfish and where becomes selfless?

Interesting topic bruvva

Thanks, I was thinking about this driving to my son's wedding rehearsal dinner yesterday...
I agree also, I think we are inherently selfish.
I know nothing about delta4 except he made cookies for a little girl? hmmm

 

[danielpalos]

Question -

Is it better to make a sacrifice for someone (and bitch about it later and/or bring it up); or

To just not have made the sacrifice at all?

It depends on the sacrifice; simply lying to us and letting us miss our turn is not worth the sacrifice.