Obituary of Christ

[The Irish Ram]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, 33, of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also known as Golgotha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle, Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of the Ruler Pontius Pilate.

The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe torture, loss of blood and a broken heart.

Jesus Christ, a descendent of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the adopted Son of the late Joseph, a carpenter of Nazareth, and Mary, His devoted natural Mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by His mother, Mary, His faithful Apostles, numerous disciples and many other followers.

Jesus was self-educated and spent most of his adult life working as a Teacher. Jesus also occasionally worked as a Medical Doctor and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of His death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the Good News, healing the sick, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry and helping the poor.

Jesus was most noted for telling parables about His Father's Kingdom and performing miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before His death, He held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which He foretold His death.

The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Arimathea, a loyal friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soldiers were put on guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everyone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.

Important Update: Correction - Since the time of the publishing of this obituary, we have had it confirmed by many persons that Jesus has risen from the dead! He is alive and well. He has asked that we continue to help others and to share with them the Good News that Jesus Saves From Sin!

 

[AVG-JOE]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, 33, of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also known as Golgotha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle, Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of the Ruler Pontius Pilate.

The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe torture, loss of blood and a broken heart.

Jesus Christ, a descendent of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the adopted Son of the late Joseph, a carpenter of Nazareth, and Mary, His devoted natural Mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by His mother, Mary, His faithful Apostles, numerous disciples and many other followers.

Jesus was self-educated and spent most of his adult life working as a Teacher. Jesus also occasionally worked as a Medical Doctor and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of His death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the Good News, healing the sick, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry and helping the poor.

Jesus was most noted for telling parables about His Father's Kingdom and performing miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before His death, He held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which He foretold His death.

The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Arimathea, a loyal friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soldiers were put on guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everyone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.

Important Update: Correction - Since the time of the publishing of this obituary, we have had it confirmed by many persons that Jesus has risen from the dead! He is alive and well. He has asked that we continue to help others and to share with them the Good News that Jesus Saves From Sin!

Ass-u-me-ing you believe the stories that were finally written down many years after the event and then passed through 1,200 years of hand-me-down copying.

I hang around writers at USMB - trust me we're all bullshit artists with wants, needs and desires.

 

[Grace]

This is the spiritual religion forum, is it not, Joe?
Wish her well in whatever she chooses to believe, ok?

 

[mudwhistle]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, 33, of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also known as Golgotha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle, Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of the Ruler Pontius Pilate.

The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe torture, loss of blood and a broken heart.

Jesus Christ, a descendent of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the adopted Son of the late Joseph, a carpenter of Nazareth, and Mary, His devoted natural Mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by His mother, Mary, His faithful Apostles, numerous disciples and many other followers.

Jesus was self-educated and spent most of his adult life working as a Teacher. Jesus also occasionally worked as a Medical Doctor and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of His death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the Good News, healing the sick, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry and helping the poor.

Jesus was most noted for telling parables about His Father's Kingdom and performing miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before His death, He held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which He foretold His death.

The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Arimathea, a loyal friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soldiers were put on guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everyone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.

Important Update: Correction - Since the time of the publishing of this obituary, we have had it confirmed by many persons that Jesus has risen from the dead! He is alive and well. He has asked that we continue to help others and to share with them the Good News that Jesus Saves From Sin!

Here's a pretty close description of what Jesus went through that day.

Facts about the Crucifixion

 

[AVG-JOE]

This is the spiritual religion forum, is it not, Joe?
Wish her well in whatever she chooses to believe, ok?

All too true, Grace. All too true.

It's just that I feel like I wasted a significant percentage of my short time on this planet on those stories - nobody's fault but my own, to be certain... but I can get a little snarky around the holidays. Nothing personal was meant and my apologies if anything personal is taken. It's the stories and their hold on the world that I have issues with, not individual believers.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Here's a pretty close description of what Jesus went through that day.

Facts about the Crucifixion

So?

Millions were crucified - it was an effective form of political control for a long time, even Alexander The Thug employed it. The facts are no more or less impressive than those surrounding The Rack, The Pear of Anguish or The Judas Cradle.

It's the unproven line in the stories that I have an issue with. The story of how one guy walked away from the procedure, and why.

 

[Grace]

This is the spiritual religion forum, is it not, Joe?
Wish her well in whatever she chooses to believe, ok?

All too true, Grace. All too true.

It's just that I feel like I wasted a significant percentage of my short time on this planet on those stories - nobody's fault but my own, to be certain... but I can get a little snarky around the holidays. Nothing personal was meant and my apologies if anything personal is taken. It's the stories and their hold on the world that I have issues with, not individual believers.

I hear ya, Joe. I'm in the same proverbial boat, sort of. Irish has her ways and I have mine but we are still pals even though we have some differences. Concerning the holidays, I can validate that. Nothing to apologize for either. I have a problem with all the death and destruction done in His name, myself.
On Beltane, run around your yard naked. Make sure it's nighttime though. Then on Easter, paint Merry Meet on some eggs and hand them out to strangers.

 

[AVG-JOE]

This is the spiritual religion forum, is it not, Joe?
Wish her well in whatever she chooses to believe, ok?

All too true, Grace. All too true.

It's just that I feel like I wasted a significant percentage of my short time on this planet on those stories - nobody's fault but my own, to be certain... but I can get a little snarky around the holidays. Nothing personal was meant and my apologies if anything personal is taken. It's the stories and their hold on the world that I have issues with, not individual believers.

I hear ya, Joe. I'm in the same proverbial boat, sort of. Irish has her ways and I have mine but we are still pals even though we have some differences. Concerning the holidays, I can validate that. Nothing to apologize for either. I have a problem with all the death and destruction done in His name, myself.
On Beltane, run around your yard naked. Make sure it's nighttime though. Then on Easter, paint Merry Meet on some eggs and hand them out to strangers.

I live in Florida. We do everything naked.

 

[Montrovant]

All too true, Grace. All too true.

It's just that I feel like I wasted a significant percentage of my short time on this planet on those stories - nobody's fault but my own, to be certain... but I can get a little snarky around the holidays. Nothing personal was meant and my apologies if anything personal is taken. It's the stories and their hold on the world that I have issues with, not individual believers.

I hear ya, Joe. I'm in the same proverbial boat, sort of. Irish has her ways and I have mine but we are still pals even though we have some differences. Concerning the holidays, I can validate that. Nothing to apologize for either. I have a problem with all the death and destruction done in His name, myself.
On Beltane, run around your yard naked. Make sure it's nighttime though. Then on Easter, paint Merry Meet on some eggs and hand them out to strangers.

I live in Florida. We do everything naked.

20+ years I lived in Florida and somehow I missed that!

 

[Grace]

I hear ya, Joe. I'm in the same proverbial boat, sort of. Irish has her ways and I have mine but we are still pals even though we have some differences. Concerning the holidays, I can validate that. Nothing to apologize for either. I have a problem with all the death and destruction done in His name, myself.
On Beltane, run around your yard naked. Make sure it's nighttime though. Then on Easter, paint Merry Meet on some eggs and hand them out to strangers.

I live in Florida. We do everything naked.

20+ years I lived in Florida and somehow I missed that!

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

 

[AVG-JOE]

I live in Florida. We do everything naked.

20+ years I lived in Florida and somehow I missed that!

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

I don't know... Especially in the summertime, if I couldn't live naked in FL, I'm not sure I'd live here.

 

[sparky]

Here's a pretty close description of what Jesus went through that day.

Facts about the Crucifixion

So?

Millions were crucified - it was an effective form of political control for a long time, even Alexander The Thug employed it. The facts are no more or less impressive than those surrounding The Rack, The Pear of Anguish or The Judas Cradle.

It's the unproven line in the stories that I have an issue with. The story of how one guy walked away from the procedure, and why.

yeah, but it's a real desriptive take on crucifixtion Joe

something to ponder while chokin' down that pagan ham Sunday eh?

 

[Douger]

When I lived in Floridastan we slept during the day.......Ooooooh .Them thar eighties.

 

[Marie888]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

Jesus Christ, 33, of Nazareth, died Friday on Mount Calvary, also known as Golgotha, the place of the skull. Betrayed by the apostle, Judas, Jesus was crucified by the Romans, by order of the Ruler Pontius Pilate.

The causes of death were crucifixion, extreme exhaustion, severe torture, loss of blood and a broken heart.

Jesus Christ, a descendent of Abraham, was a member of the house of David. He was the adopted Son of the late Joseph, a carpenter of Nazareth, and Mary, His devoted natural Mother. Jesus was born in a stable in the city of Bethlehem, Judea. He is survived by His mother, Mary, His faithful Apostles, numerous disciples and many other followers.

Jesus was self-educated and spent most of his adult life working as a Teacher. Jesus also occasionally worked as a Medical Doctor and it is reported that he healed many patients. Up until the time of His death, Jesus was teaching and sharing the Good News, healing the sick, touching the lonely, feeding the hungry and helping the poor.

Jesus was most noted for telling parables about His Father's Kingdom and performing miracles, such as feeding over 5,000 people with only five loaves of bread and two fish, and healing a man who was born blind. On the day before His death, He held a Last Supper celebrating the Passover Feast, at which He foretold His death.

The body was quickly buried in a stone grave, which was donated by Joseph of Arimathea, a loyal friend of the family. By order of Pontius Pilate, a boulder was rolled in front of the tomb. Roman soldiers were put on guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that everyone try to live as Jesus did. Donations may be sent to anyone in need.

Important Update: Correction - Since the time of the publishing of this obituary, we have had it confirmed by many persons that Jesus has risen from the dead! He is alive and well. He has asked that we continue to help others and to share with them the Good News that Jesus Saves From Sin!

Amen! Praise Jesus Christ, King of kings, Lord of lords, forever and ever, Amen!!

HE ROSE!!!

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqMWvNlMo-4]YouTube - "End Of The Begining" By David Phelps (FULL)[/ame]


"End of the Beginning" by David Phelps

Lyrics

I was taking a trip on a plane the other day, just wishin’ that I could get out.
When the man next to me saw the book in my hand and asked me what it was about.
So I settled back in my seat. "A best-seller," I said, "a hist’ry and a myst’ry in one."
Then I opened up the book and began to read from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John...

He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered ‘round Him underneath the star singing praises to the great I AM.

He walked on the water, healed The lame, and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never, ever did a single thing wrong, the angry crowd chose Him.
And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and
that was the end...of the beginning."

"That’s not a new book, that’s a Bible," he said, "And I’ve heard it all before.
I’ve tried religion, it’s shame and guilt, and I don’t need it anymore.
It’s superstation, made-up tales, just to help the weak to survive."
"Let me read it again," I said, "But listen closely. This is gonna change your life."

"He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of Bethlehem.
Angels gathered ‘round Him underneath the star singing praises to the great I AM.

He walked on the water, healed the lame, and made the blind to see again.
And for the first time here on earth we learned that God could be a friend.
And though He never, ever did a single thing wrong, the angry crowd chose Him. And then He walked down the road and died on the cross and that was the end...of the beginning."

"The end of the beginning?" he said with a smile. "What more
could there be? He’s dead. You said they hung Him, put nails in
His hands and a crown of thorns on His head." I said, "I’ll read it
again, but this time there’s more.

And I believe that this is true: His death wasn’t the end but the beginning of life that’s completed in you.
Don’t you see, He did all this for you..."

"He was born of a virgin one holy night in the little town of
Bethlehem. All the angels singing praises to the great I AM.
He walked on the water, healed the lame, and made the blind to see.
And for the first time here on earth, did you know that God could be a friend?
And though He never, ever did a single thing wrong, He was the one the crowd chose.
And then He walked and He died, but three days later, three days later, three days later...
He rose! Three days later He rose!

You see, He came, He lived, and He died, but that was the end of the beginning.

†



.

 

[ABikerSailor]

Yanno.......since Yeshua was resurrected, shouldn't the paper follow up with a retraction?

 

[brokenarrow]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

You forgot to mention that Jesus Christ was the only person in history that could truly be called a "self made" man.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Here's a pretty close description of what Jesus went through that day.

Facts about the Crucifixion

So?

Millions were crucified - it was an effective form of political control for a long time, even Alexander The Thug employed it. The facts are no more or less impressive than those surrounding The Rack, The Pear of Anguish or The Judas Cradle.

It's the unproven line in the stories that I have an issue with. The story of how one guy walked away from the procedure, and why.

yeah, but it's a real desriptive take on crucifixtion Joe

something to ponder while chokin' down that pagan ham Sunday eh?

I prefer a chocolate Sunday, but a ham Sandwich before desert would rock!

 

[jillian]

The obit leaves out his wife.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Yanno.......since Yeshua was resurrected, shouldn't the paper follow up with a retraction?

Either that or a headline or two..... A guy walking out of a grave would be pretty big news, even by the standards of today.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Obituary of Jesus Christ

You forgot to mention that Jesus Christ was the only person in history that could truly be called a "self made" man.

What do you mean by that? Just shooting from the hip, Alexander the Thug pretty much made himself into what he wanted most - revered as a god - self made till an early death at age 32.