Announcer: Are you tired of having friends around? Is your marriage just a little too perfect? If so, the fine people at Scumco have the drug for you! It's Instant Asshole...the suppository designed to turn even the nicest of people into a complete asshole. Here to describe exactly how Instant Asshole works is an evil mad scientist. Mad Scientist: When inserted directly into the rectum, Instant Asshole travels through the bloodstream up to the brain where it numbs the centers responsible for kindness and compassion... turning the subject into a complete and total asshole. Announcer: Still not convinced? Well, just listen to this testimonial: Testimonial: For years I was stuck in the middle of a dead-end job. But just after two weeks of taking Instant Asshole, I managed to get promoted to upper-level management. Thanks Instant Asshole! Announcer: Don't be fooled by imitation products like beer or whiskey... there's only one true Instant Asshole. Now let's take a look at Instant Asshole in action. First, here's a perfectly normal couple. Wife: Honey, would you like to go to a nice expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary? Husband: Sure, dear. Announcer: Boring, huh? Now here's the same couple after Instant Asshole. Wife: Honey, would you like to go to a nice expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary? Husband: Bitch, leave me the fuck alone! How the hell did your ass get so fat anyhow! If I had known that you'd turn into Jabba-the-fucking-Hut one day I never would have married you! If you transferred some of that fat from your ass to your breasts and I might even find you remotely attractive! Oh, by the way, tell your mom that I'm not showing up for Thanksgiving dinner this year. I swear I got food poisoning at the last get-together! Shit, that bitch can't even make a salad without screwing it up. I'd rather lick the inside of a toilet bowl in a public restroom than eat her shit again! Kid #1: Daddy, can I go outside and play? Husband: Shut the hell up, you abortion that never happened! It's time to give you another senseless beating for breathing in my space again. Wife: What the hell do you have stuck up your ass? Husband: Instant Asshole...now shut your hole! Announcer: Yes, Instant Asshole... it's the product that's not only great for destroying intimate relationships, but it's also an excellent way to scar your children for life. Billy: Mom, are you still taking me and the soccer team out to eat? Mom: After you failed to score when the goalie was wide open?! No way, you fuckin' pussy! I dreamed that you'd make the pro circuit, but you blew it! I've known quadriplegics who could play a better game of soccer than you just did! You're a horrible embarrassment to the entire family, you miserable waste of your dad's sperm...God bless his soul. Mommy doesn't give losers a ride home, let alone a free meal, so, Junior, start walking because it's gonna get dark really soon. Kid #2: Jesus Christ, Billy! What the hell does your mom have stuck up her ass? Billy: Instant Asshole. Announcer: That's right! So the next time someone asks what's stuck up your ass, just say Instant Asshole...another fine product of Scumco.