Get over it!

[sealybobo]

When is it appropriate to tell someone to get over the loss of a love one? My mom will be dead for 8 years soon and my dad is like groundhog day every time I go over there. I can't take it anymore. We got in a big fight I feel bad but god damn. So tonight I told him a story of how I tried to use the loss of a cat in class to get sympathy in 1st grade and the teacher made an announcement that I lost a cat and then told the class to open up our books to page 6 and we moved on. I quickly realized the world doesn't stop when someone or something dies. It may for you for a day, or week, or month, or even year, but at what point is it not healthy to continue to crying about your loss? And honestly, no one cares. Not even your own kids. You become a burden. I feel like I have to go to my dad's once a week rather than look forward to it. Because he's so negative. And he won't take advice or see a therapist. And I'm not your fucking therapist! I know I'm a dick, but I'm right. And I went over an hour early because I had today off. I should have never done that. I can only take about 1.5 hours of him. I know I shouldn't go over any longer than that. But I showed up at 5:30 and by 7pm we were fighting. Now I feel bad. But I have to stand up and tell him I can't take it and he needs to stop, or get help, because I can't hear it anymore. And for the record, he ghosted his mom 10 years before she died and doesn't talk to his sister. So he's a stubborn man, and it's everyone else's fault. Everyone else is crazy or wrong. He and my mom fought with EVERYONE, but someone they are always the victims. So I know right now he's not feeling bad or guilty or wrong about tonight. He just thinks I'm a total dick. Well I need to show him this


What not to do when you're grieving

1. Live in the past. GUILTY
2. Ideal the person or your previous situation. GUILTY
3. Refuse to make the necessary changes to move forward. GUILTY
4. Dwell in self-pity. ... GUILTY
5. Lose respect for own body… ...
6. Remain withdrawn or run away from your feelings. GUILTY
7. Rely on alcohol and/or other drugs.

He's guilty on 5 of 7

 

[Crepitus]

Sounds like dad needs some outside help.

 

[Magnus]

When is it appropriate to tell someone to get over the loss of a love one? My mom will be dead for 8 years soon and my dad is like groundhog day every time I go over there. I can't take it anymore. We got in a big fight I feel bad but god damn. So tonight I told him a story of how I tried to use the loss of a cat in class to get sympathy in 1st grade and the teacher made an announcement that I lost a cat and then told the class to open up our books to page 6 and we moved on. I quickly realized the world doesn't stop when someone or something dies. It may for you for a day, or week, or month, or even year, but at what point is it not healthy to continue to crying about your loss? And honestly, no one cares. Not even your own kids. You become a burden. I feel like I have to go to my dad's once a week rather than look forward to it. Because he's so negative. And he won't take advice or see a therapist. And I'm not your fucking therapist! I know I'm a dick, but I'm right. And I went over an hour early because I had today off. I should have never done that. I can only take about 1.5 hours of him. I know I shouldn't go over any longer than that. But I showed up at 5:30 and by 7pm we were fighting. Now I feel bad. But I have to stand up and tell him I can't take it and he needs to stop, or get help, because I can't hear it anymore. And for the record, he ghosted his mom 10 years before she died and doesn't talk to his sister. So he's a stubborn man, and it's everyone else's fault. Everyone else is crazy or wrong. He and my mom fought with EVERYONE, but someone they are always the victims. So I know right now he's not feeling bad or guilty or wrong about tonight. He just thinks I'm a total dick. Well I need to show him this


What not to do when you're grieving

1. Live in the past. GUILTY
2. Ideal the person or your previous situation. GUILTY
3. Refuse to make the necessary changes to move forward. GUILTY
4. Dwell in self-pity. ... GUILTY
5. Lose respect for own body… ...
6. Remain withdrawn or run away from your feelings. GUILTY
7. Rely on alcohol and/or other drugs.

He's guilty on 5 of 7

This is sad on many levels. I hope you and your dad find peace.

 

[sealybobo]

This is sad on many levels. I hope you and your dad find peace.

He has convinced himself he won't go anywhere without ma. So my whole family went up north. Asked me to go. I said no because then dad would be alone all by himself. And I go over an extra hour because he's been alone all week but I can't take being with him from 5-8pm. That's too long. Ground hog day conversation. How can he not realize he's doing it? Read the fucking room dad.

He says "your brother would never say this to me" I say yea dad because he comes and sees you once a month and he only stays for 1.5 hours. It's all I can stand. I love you man but you need to stop. I hate to tell you to get over ma, but you need to get over her. At least on the outside. No one cares! Now you're just being weird dude. You need to stop.

I'm sorry but I'm not wrong. I may be a dick but I'm not wrong. But maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks and it would have been better to just bite my lip for 1 more hour and NEVER go back that early ever again.

Nope, sorry. I had to say it. Fuck it. Here's the funny thing. He doesn't talk to his sister, Didn't talk to his mom in the end. My mom and him didn't talk to her sister in the end. I told my brother that we learn from our parents. If I learned from him, I should ghost him.

My brother goes "damn because it's obvious he looks forward to you coming over once a week."

For the record, he makes me a fish dinner every Friday and 2 salads to go. He's a good guy but I'm trying to help him stop being a little pussy that he's being. I can't take it. Man up dude. You don't have any friends. I'm the closest you have to a friend. I've told him this before. I said if I'm not going to tell you who will?

I'm going to tell him he needs a therapist. I'll go with him.

 

[Magnus]

He has convinced himself he won't go anywhere without ma. So my whole family went up north. Asked me to go. I said no because then dad would be alone all by himself. And I go over an extra hour because he's been alone all week but I can't take being with him from 5-8pm. That's too long. Ground hog day conversation. How can he not realize he's doing it? Read the fucking room dad.

He says "your brother would never say this to me" I say yea dad because he comes and sees you once a month and he only stays for 1.5 hours. It's all I can stand. I love you man but you need to stop. I hate to tell you to get over ma, but you need to get over her. At least on the outside. No one cares! Now you're just being weird dude. You need to stop.

I'm sorry but I'm not wrong. I may be a dick but I'm not wrong. But maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks and it would have been better to just bite my lip for 1 more hour and NEVER go back that early ever again.

Nope, sorry. I had to say it. Fuck it. Here's the funny thing. He doesn't talk to his sister, Didn't talk to his mom in the end. My mom and him didn't talk to her sister in the end. I told my brother that we learn from our parents. If I learned from him, I should ghost him.

My brother goes "damn because it's obvious he looks forward to you coming over once a week."

For the record, he makes me a fish dinner every Friday and 2 salads to go. He's a good guy but I'm trying to help him stop being a little pussy that he's being. I can't take it. Man up dude. You don't have any friends. I'm the closest you have to a friend. I've told him this before. I said if I'm not going to tell you who will?

I'm going to tell him he needs a therapist. I'll go with him.

Good. Rant here all you want. You have our sympathy. But try to go easy on the old man.

He is lonely. And yes, he should know better. But as we get old, we regress. That is life.

 

[sealybobo]

Good. Rant here all you want. You have our sympathy. But try to go easy on the old man.

He is lonely. And yes, he should know better. But as we get old, we regress. That is life.

He's a healthy 79. He is pissing away so many years. My brother hates it but his in laws are the alternative. Super needy people. Helpless. My dad is at least independent. His hobby is collecting bottles and cans for the 10 cents. He makes over $1000 a year maybe $3000.

But we go up north and spend time together as a family, his grandkids and sons, and he's here at home collecting cans. Says spending time with us makes him sad.

I went to Florida for a month. 2 bedroom. He could have come down with me. But he won't go anywhere without ma.

It's just getting old. Stop it dad. If you know I'm not sympathetic, be a fucking man and keep that boo hoo shit to yourself. You're a broken record.

You're right. I don't tell him 1/10th the things I'm saying here. But I said a lot tonight. The problem with him is it won't wise him up. He'll be the victim, again. Like he has been his whole life. I asked him once, "dad, ever wonder why everyone fucked with you or didn't like you? Everyyone? Could it be, YOU?"???!!!

You know how when you're young you think your parents are so wise so you listen to their advice? It's weird getting in your 50's and realize your dad is anti social and weird.

 

[Magnus]

He's a healthy 79. He is pissing away so many years. My brother hates it but his in laws are the alternative. Super needy people. Helpless. My dad is at least independent. His hobby is collecting bottles and cans for the 10 cents. He makes over $1000 a year maybe $3000.

But we go up north and spend time together as a family, his grandkids and sons, and he's here at home collecting cans. Says spending time with us makes him sad.

I went to Florida for a month. 2 bedroom. He could have come down with me. But he won't go anywhere without ma.

It's just getting old. Stop it dad. If you know I'm not sympathetic, be a fucking man and keep that boo hoo shit to yourself. You're a broken record.

You're right. I don't tell him 1/10th the things I'm saying here. But I said a lot tonight. The problem with him is it won't wise him up. He'll be the victim, again. Like he has been his whole life. I asked him once, "dad, ever wonder why everyone fucked with you or didn't like you? Everyyone? Could it be, YOU?"???!!!

You know how when you're young you think your parents are so wise so you listen to their advice? It's weird getting in your 50's and realize your dad is anti social and weird.

Circle of life. Our children grow up admiring us. Then we embarrass the hell out of them, then annoy them. Hopefully, it comes full circle and you remember all the great things your dad did for you and ignore all the annoyances.

There is no easy way. It is a process. This too shall pass.

 

[John Edgar Slow Horses]

Hard to say, but YOU are letting him hold you hostage.

 

[whitehall]

Deal with it without burdening fellow posters with your problems.

 

[JOSweetHeart]

^^^ I don't know how everyone else looks at what got this conversation started, but to me, it's only a burden when you choose to have anything to do with whatever another person brings to the forum and just because you take the time to read the first message of any chat, that doesn't mean that you have to invest even further by responding to that message, or anymore that have been left in the chat, for any reason. So, I guess my only question for you would be, what is it that made you go all the way and check out completely what this conversation is about?

God bless you and the starter of this chat always!!!

Holly

P.S. Sealybobo, I do pray that things get better for you and your family. Can I ask what happens when your brother is there with your dad? Like, do you know if your brother has said anything to him at all about getting help?

 

[Grumblenuts]

Send him a massage therapist once per month.. Who knows? He might get lucky!

 

[fncceo]

So tonight I told him a story of how I tried to use the loss of a cat in class to get sympathy in 1st grade and the teacher made an announcement that I lost a cat and then told the class to open up our books to page 6 and we moved on.

I'm not a professional psychologist ... but, I have to imagine there might be a few differences in how one feels about losing the love of their life and soulmate versus losing the family cat.

 

[luiza]

I'm not a professional psychologist ... but, I have to imagine there might be a few differences in how one feels about losing the love of their life and soulmate versus losing the family cat.

Absolutely not .
It is a glaring mistake not to treat the loss of a fine cat more seriously than the loss of one of those two legged rubbish bags that infest the planet .
There are over 8 billion available replacements and a soul mate search is like imagining a crock of gold under the rainbow's end.
So forget finding one of them .,Same for Unicorns .

 

[sealybobo]

This is sad on many levels. I hope you and your dad find peace.

We made up. I called him of course he's too stubborn to call me. If I didn't call him, he'd never call me again. He's that stubborn. But I called, it went to voicemail so I worried he wasn't talking to me but he called me back and said "I don't even remember what we were arguing about" so i said, "you dump your problems on me, I give you advice, and you don't like my advice". That's always why we argue. So stop dumping your problems on everyone. I said "I don't mean I don't care that you lost ma, I'm just trying to give you a dose of reality, after 8 years, no one cares. So stop going around telling everyone. Because no one cares. It's perfectly fine for you to mourn, in private. If you don't care what anyone else thinks, stop telling everyone your problems as if you are looking for advice. Mother fucker!

I think he needs someone like me in his life, to be honest. He's pathetic. I never realized it until my brother was having a second child and his wife told them she was going to break Greek tradition and name the baby after her mother if it's a girl. It's supposed to be named after the sons mom. Anyways, I do

I'm not a professional psychologist ... but, I have to imagine there might be a few differences in how one feels about losing the love of their life and soulmate versus losing the family cat.

But the point still stands. Eventually, life goes on and no one gives a fuck. I think I am going to write a book. You see all these sympathetic books written on how to deal with a love one. Don't discount their feelings, don't tell them you know how they feel, just listen, blabla. But after 8 years of it, every fucking Friday and every fucking phone call, enough is enough right?

My book would be called GET OVER IT! Because that's what you need to do. And in my book I will tell these mourners everything their love ones won't.

This is not healthy for him. I told him a year ago when he was conned into turning in his lease early when he had thousands of miles to use. The sales person said the prices was going to go up in 4 months. How the fuck would he know that? So he suckered my dad into leasing a new car early. How? By telling him he's right, and listening to his woe is fucking me stories. I told my dad, he conned you dude. And he did it because you are sad and lonely and driving around by yourself, walking into car dealerships when your car isn't due to be turned in.

Go to a seniors place and play bingo. Go to a senior community. Socialize, and don't take that woe is me shit with you. Remember, no one cares. But he says he doesn't want to leave the house he and my mom had together. What am I going to do with all her stuff? Throw it out!

God this is going to be a good book.

Remember, if he sits at home alone doing what he's doing now, my inheritance goes up. If he goes to a senior living place, it's going to be more expensive. And despite that I still want him to go. Because it'll be good for him. I don't need his money. It's not worth it. I'd rather see him happy. I'll be fine.

What I want is for him to stay at home but go to church and come up north with us when we go away for weekends. He says he just gets more depressed when he comes home. I told him this morning, "what if I told you I can't come to your house because it reminds me of ma?"

My brother told me to just take the win and don't expect too much. You can't change a 80 year old guy too much.

 

[sealybobo]

Absolutely not .
It is a glaring mistake not to treat the loss of a fine cat more seriously than the loss of one of those two legged rubbish bags that infest the planet .
There are over 8 billion available replacements and a soul mate search is like imagining a crock of gold under the rainbow's end.
So forget finding one of them .,Same for Unicorns .

Here's another thing. My dad and mom helped me with my last dog. I helped my dad with my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimers. So to help get over the loss, I got my dog. First thing my dad said was "I hope you don't expect me to help you with that".

I said, "I got the dog for you? You're not going to help me when I need a babysitter?"

He's a stubborn man. 8 years later he still says he can't. He can. He just won't. He's become very selfish since my mom died.

I feel so much better now that we made up and I was able to get a few things off my chest. I told him, you don't talk to your sister because she annoys you. Well, don't annoy me.

And after 8 years, it's time to tell him no one cares. Get over it. If you can't, keep it to yourself because NO ONE CARES. Not after 8 years. Man up bitch!

OMG a cat would have been so good for him. Something to love. He lost the love of his life so a good thing to do is find something else to love. If you can't love another woman, get a cat. Or dog. Or bird. I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing.

And I agree with you. I'd rather put 10 men down than 1 dog. LOL.

 

[sealybobo]

Good. Rant here all you want. You have our sympathy. But try to go easy on the old man.

He is lonely. And yes, he should know better. But as we get old, we regress. That is life.

Thanks to all of you who are letting me vent and giving me some good feedback because this really grinds my gears. LOL.

You know how all the commercials about seeking counseling say "have you recently lost a love one?" Key word is recently. Because most normal people get over it. At least enough to start enjoying life again.
.
My dad is a very healthy 79 year old. That means he has pissed away 8 good years of his life because if he's healthy now, imagine how good he was at age 71. He has been saying his life is over for 8 years. If I sit and say nothing, the rest of his life is going to be like this. So if his life sucks, what do I have to lose? I may as well try to shake him up and get him out of this depression. This rut. The same conversations. If I have to hear one more time about all the places he took her. Come on dad. Get a clue. Do you really not realize you've told me this story every Friday for the last 8 years? Look at my eyes dude. Read the room!!!!

 

[Magnus]

Thanks to all of you who are letting me vent and giving me some good feedback because this really grinds my gears. LOL.

You know how all the commercials about seeking counseling say "have you recently lost a love one?" Key word is recently. Because most normal people get over it. At least enough to start enjoying life again.
.
My dad is a very healthy 79 year old. That means he has pissed away 8 good years of his life because if he's healthy now, imagine how good he was at age 71. He has been saying his life is over for 8 years. If I sit and say nothing, the rest of his life is going to be like this. So if his life sucks, what do I have to lose? I may as well try to shake him up and get him out of this depression. This rut. The same conversations. If I have to hear one more time about all the places he took her. Come on dad. Get a clue. Do you really not realize you've told me this story every Friday for the last 8 years? Look at my eyes dude. Read the room!!!!

You're welcome. Bravo to you for taking the first step. You won some brownie points with the guy upstairs.

All the best and remember - this is a process. There are no easy solutions.

 

[John Edgar Slow Horses]

Take your time.

Vent away.

Love your old man.

None of life is easy, really.

 

[sealybobo]

Take your time.

Vent away.

Love your old man.

None of life is easy, really.

It comes down to this. Shut my mouth and just allow/take it or speak up?

He's going to do it again. I know, he can't help himself. Plus he's old so I got to cut him some slack so for now, my solution is this

a. Only show up at 6:30 and leave at 8pm. Know that this is all you can take. Every expert I've heard from said if you can only stand to be with them for 1.5 hours, don't try to stretch it to 3 hours even if they seem lonely. Only give them what you can. Better 1.5 hours of nice visit than go 3 and get in a fight.

b. Just listen and bite my lip.

I may explode again in the future but I'll try. I know he loves me coming over and relies on me as one of the only people he socializes with outside of who he runs into shopping.

 

[Sparker]

Everyone else is crazy or wrong. He and my mom fought with EVERYONE, but someone they are always the victims.

He lost his wingman in fights. He may know he's permanently outgunned without her.