- Sep 22, 2013
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Here's a much more fun espionage-themed heist-parody, inspired by Spies Like Us! This one's for my fans (if there are still any left),
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Mr. Goran, an ace tennis pro, was a world sensation. He had it all. He'd won Wimbledon already, the greatest Grand Slam among them all. Goran was a real celebrity. He had millions in Credit Suisse. However, he was in for a shock. Goran was recruited by Interpol and the CIA to become a secret media operative, working within media resources to promote social participation in sports fanfare by the adoring public. His media presence would contribute to the CIA/Interpol tracking a deadly world terrorist and super-thief named Bond. Goran was given the special media code alias "007" by CIA/Interpol.
GORAN: I consider myself a grateful man for all God has given me and my successes in sports and modern media!
Goran's gorgeous Swedish girlfriend Emanuel was a real star too. She was a supermodel and was set to make a new movie about dolphins in Hollywood. Goran was in love with her. However, CIA/Interpol had to protect her since the world terrorist Bond was now tracking Goran and potentially Emanuel herself. Goran had to consider suddenly how his media renown and government media work would somehow make his life in the normal world dangerously vulnerable.
BOND: What Interpol doesn't know is I could care less about troubling Goran's media; I just want his Swiss vault gold for something.
It was true that Goran had gold bars stored in the vault of the Credit Suisse bank in Switzerland. It was also true that Bond and his sidekick Jamie were planning a heist of this gold for a media statement about the frailty of celebrity assets in the modern capitalist highway. That's why CIA/Interpol sought to keep Goran visible while protecting his assets and loved ones! However, as Bond already implied, he just wanted the Swiss gold from the vault in Zurich or Geneva.
JAMIE: I just don't want the governments of the world to label Bond and me as some kind of devil worshiping clowns.
Bond and Jamie knew the value of modern Swiss intellectual properties and wrist-watches and world chocolate. Switzerland boasted incredible banking resources because of its long-time political neutrality. That's why Goran stored his gold bars there after winning Wimbledon! Bond and Jamie sought to create serious waves in the Swiss treasure highway with this symbolic celebrity-media heist of gold more valuable than its weight in time.
Bond and Jamie marched into Credit Suisse claiming they were visiting on behalf of Interpol. They were both in Middle Eastern head-gear, claiming they were Islamic agents stationed in Iraq and Europe. Bond and Jamie wanted access to Goran's vault gold stores for special microfilm photos which they wanted to take in the presence of an escorting guardsman. Once inside the vault, Bond and Jamie pulled out their toy water-guns which were filled with corrosive HCL acid! They told the guardsman they intended to substitute the Goran gold with fake spray-painted gold (of lead bars!) and then sneak out the bathroom, for a special Interpol mission involving the temporary smuggling of celebrity gold. The spray-painted lead bars were hidden in the bank building bathroom the week prior to this heist by Jamie himself. Bond and Jamie crawled out of the bank with $2 million in gold bars.
GORAN: As long as Emanuel is safe, I'm not so worried about this strange Interpol-connected temporary gold transfer.
Interpol however got wind there was no special agency mission in secret to transport the Goran gold temporarily for a side media mission and valuation assignment. They now knew that they'd been hood-winked successfully by Bond and Jamie. They called the two bandits/thieves the Goran Goblins (GGs). The GGs were by now already snowboarding in the Swiss alps.
BOND: Let's just snowboard for an entire year, my friend.
JAMIE: We'll watch the Olympics on television.
BOND: It's cool that our assets are now fixed in television ports.
INTERPOL: We're just perplexed by this Goran gold heist and are investigating the meaning of the acid-gun diary.
The truth is, Bond and Jamie cared nothing for acid-guns! They just wanted a special Wimbledon media gold watch for a special statement about the irony of capitalism in our world of magazine oriented discourse. They were real pirates, but pirates with a real message --- perhaps about tennis dollars!
BOND: Let's go drive on the Autobahn.
JAMIE: Audi.
INTERPOL: The greatest single threat to modern capitalism is the advocacy of dialectic terrorism...and acid guns.
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
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Mr. Goran, an ace tennis pro, was a world sensation. He had it all. He'd won Wimbledon already, the greatest Grand Slam among them all. Goran was a real celebrity. He had millions in Credit Suisse. However, he was in for a shock. Goran was recruited by Interpol and the CIA to become a secret media operative, working within media resources to promote social participation in sports fanfare by the adoring public. His media presence would contribute to the CIA/Interpol tracking a deadly world terrorist and super-thief named Bond. Goran was given the special media code alias "007" by CIA/Interpol.
GORAN: I consider myself a grateful man for all God has given me and my successes in sports and modern media!
Goran's gorgeous Swedish girlfriend Emanuel was a real star too. She was a supermodel and was set to make a new movie about dolphins in Hollywood. Goran was in love with her. However, CIA/Interpol had to protect her since the world terrorist Bond was now tracking Goran and potentially Emanuel herself. Goran had to consider suddenly how his media renown and government media work would somehow make his life in the normal world dangerously vulnerable.
BOND: What Interpol doesn't know is I could care less about troubling Goran's media; I just want his Swiss vault gold for something.
It was true that Goran had gold bars stored in the vault of the Credit Suisse bank in Switzerland. It was also true that Bond and his sidekick Jamie were planning a heist of this gold for a media statement about the frailty of celebrity assets in the modern capitalist highway. That's why CIA/Interpol sought to keep Goran visible while protecting his assets and loved ones! However, as Bond already implied, he just wanted the Swiss gold from the vault in Zurich or Geneva.
JAMIE: I just don't want the governments of the world to label Bond and me as some kind of devil worshiping clowns.
Bond and Jamie knew the value of modern Swiss intellectual properties and wrist-watches and world chocolate. Switzerland boasted incredible banking resources because of its long-time political neutrality. That's why Goran stored his gold bars there after winning Wimbledon! Bond and Jamie sought to create serious waves in the Swiss treasure highway with this symbolic celebrity-media heist of gold more valuable than its weight in time.
Bond and Jamie marched into Credit Suisse claiming they were visiting on behalf of Interpol. They were both in Middle Eastern head-gear, claiming they were Islamic agents stationed in Iraq and Europe. Bond and Jamie wanted access to Goran's vault gold stores for special microfilm photos which they wanted to take in the presence of an escorting guardsman. Once inside the vault, Bond and Jamie pulled out their toy water-guns which were filled with corrosive HCL acid! They told the guardsman they intended to substitute the Goran gold with fake spray-painted gold (of lead bars!) and then sneak out the bathroom, for a special Interpol mission involving the temporary smuggling of celebrity gold. The spray-painted lead bars were hidden in the bank building bathroom the week prior to this heist by Jamie himself. Bond and Jamie crawled out of the bank with $2 million in gold bars.
GORAN: As long as Emanuel is safe, I'm not so worried about this strange Interpol-connected temporary gold transfer.
Interpol however got wind there was no special agency mission in secret to transport the Goran gold temporarily for a side media mission and valuation assignment. They now knew that they'd been hood-winked successfully by Bond and Jamie. They called the two bandits/thieves the Goran Goblins (GGs). The GGs were by now already snowboarding in the Swiss alps.
BOND: Let's just snowboard for an entire year, my friend.
JAMIE: We'll watch the Olympics on television.
BOND: It's cool that our assets are now fixed in television ports.
INTERPOL: We're just perplexed by this Goran gold heist and are investigating the meaning of the acid-gun diary.
The truth is, Bond and Jamie cared nothing for acid-guns! They just wanted a special Wimbledon media gold watch for a special statement about the irony of capitalism in our world of magazine oriented discourse. They were real pirates, but pirates with a real message --- perhaps about tennis dollars!
BOND: Let's go drive on the Autobahn.
JAMIE: Audi.
INTERPOL: The greatest single threat to modern capitalism is the advocacy of dialectic terrorism...and acid guns.
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
