- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
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Here's a sarcastic consumerism crime-story inspired by the civics-Utopian film Darkman and of course Domino's Pizza.
Enjoy!
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Dirt-Boy was a pizza-delivery boy working at a Domino's branch near the campus of Cornell University in the summer of 2004. He was plain psycho. Dirt-Boy (real name Evans Daniel) would stalk fraternity boys at Cornell who stumbled out of their houses drunk in the morning with dirty fingernails. Dirt-Boy's claim was that American colleges and universities were churning out Wall Street profiteers and Starbucks pirates who undermined everyone's basic idealism towards capitalism and free-trade. Dirt-Boy planned to kill 30 individuals with dirty fingernails.
On the trail of Dirt-Boy was an idealistic cop named Max who believed Dirt-Boy had a strange penchant or dirty fingernails, since Dirt-Boy held some kind of a psychological grudge against those who took hygiene very lightly. Max reasoned that Dirt-Boy wanted to connect an apparent lack of daily hygiene with an overall social arrogance towards self-presentation in modern profiteerism-minded American culture (i.e., Wall Street). Max was a genius, and his peers believed his hypothesis held good merit, so they allowed him to continue his offbeat investigation.
Dirt-Boy left Cornell after 2004 and began work at a Domino's Pizza branch near the campus of Florida State University in the summer of 2005. Dirt-Boy proceeded to kill more students at FSU, young men who were also members of FSU fraternities who stumbled out of their houses drunk in the morning with dirty fingernails. However, Max had reasoned that Dirt-Boy would leave Cornell but stay on the East Coast and most likely strike at a campus somewhere in a coastal-beach area with much traffic and student culture (such as Florida!). Max was waiting for Dirt-Boy at FSU, and before Dirt-Boy could commit his latest murder, Max arrested him.
DIRT-BOY: How did you catch me?
MAX: I reasoned that you would search for a coastal area of student traffic.
DIRT-BOY: Good deduction. I hate Starbucks!
MAX: No reason you couldn't have sent in a peaceful anti-consumerism editorial to the Washington Post.
DIRT-BOY: Who has time for that when American schools are spitting out irreverent capitalists?
MAX: You have something against Wall Street, Evans?
DIRT-BOY: I hate consumerism arrogances, and call me 'Dirt-Boy.'
MAX: I'm sure your new 'peers' (in prison) won't mind calling you that...
DIRT-BOY: I'll be remembered as a martyr!
MAX: Why? Because you have a 'special sensitivity' towards dirty fingernails?
DIRT-BOY: No, because I understand the bond between hygiene and gluttony...
MAX: That's both clever and psychotic, 'Dirt-Boy.'
DIRT-BOY: Americans crave for a prophet, and I was what they got!
MAX: That's what the hippies said about Manson...
DIRT-BOY: The hippies were right! Dirty fingernails is a sign of complete sloth.
MAX: It's not that bad. Americans sell cheeseburgers as much as they sell laundry detergent.
DIRT-BOY: We'll see how many frat-rapes occur after I'm given the death-penalty.
MAX: Yes, and I'm sure you'll be canonized as a Nostradamus of unwanted ambition...
DIRT-BOY: Make no mistake, detective, I delivered a valuable omen about self-presentation.
MAX: All you did was sink in your claws against fun-loving casino-goers.
DIRT-BOY: Do you have nothing against Trump Taj Mahal (Atlantic City)?
MAX: No, and I like the film Atlantic City (Susan Sarandon).
DIRT-BOY: We'll see what Susan Sarandon has to say about Starbucks terrorism...
====
Enjoy!
====
Dirt-Boy was a pizza-delivery boy working at a Domino's branch near the campus of Cornell University in the summer of 2004. He was plain psycho. Dirt-Boy (real name Evans Daniel) would stalk fraternity boys at Cornell who stumbled out of their houses drunk in the morning with dirty fingernails. Dirt-Boy's claim was that American colleges and universities were churning out Wall Street profiteers and Starbucks pirates who undermined everyone's basic idealism towards capitalism and free-trade. Dirt-Boy planned to kill 30 individuals with dirty fingernails.
On the trail of Dirt-Boy was an idealistic cop named Max who believed Dirt-Boy had a strange penchant or dirty fingernails, since Dirt-Boy held some kind of a psychological grudge against those who took hygiene very lightly. Max reasoned that Dirt-Boy wanted to connect an apparent lack of daily hygiene with an overall social arrogance towards self-presentation in modern profiteerism-minded American culture (i.e., Wall Street). Max was a genius, and his peers believed his hypothesis held good merit, so they allowed him to continue his offbeat investigation.
Dirt-Boy left Cornell after 2004 and began work at a Domino's Pizza branch near the campus of Florida State University in the summer of 2005. Dirt-Boy proceeded to kill more students at FSU, young men who were also members of FSU fraternities who stumbled out of their houses drunk in the morning with dirty fingernails. However, Max had reasoned that Dirt-Boy would leave Cornell but stay on the East Coast and most likely strike at a campus somewhere in a coastal-beach area with much traffic and student culture (such as Florida!). Max was waiting for Dirt-Boy at FSU, and before Dirt-Boy could commit his latest murder, Max arrested him.
DIRT-BOY: How did you catch me?
MAX: I reasoned that you would search for a coastal area of student traffic.
DIRT-BOY: Good deduction. I hate Starbucks!
MAX: No reason you couldn't have sent in a peaceful anti-consumerism editorial to the Washington Post.
DIRT-BOY: Who has time for that when American schools are spitting out irreverent capitalists?
MAX: You have something against Wall Street, Evans?
DIRT-BOY: I hate consumerism arrogances, and call me 'Dirt-Boy.'
MAX: I'm sure your new 'peers' (in prison) won't mind calling you that...
DIRT-BOY: I'll be remembered as a martyr!
MAX: Why? Because you have a 'special sensitivity' towards dirty fingernails?
DIRT-BOY: No, because I understand the bond between hygiene and gluttony...
MAX: That's both clever and psychotic, 'Dirt-Boy.'
DIRT-BOY: Americans crave for a prophet, and I was what they got!
MAX: That's what the hippies said about Manson...
DIRT-BOY: The hippies were right! Dirty fingernails is a sign of complete sloth.
MAX: It's not that bad. Americans sell cheeseburgers as much as they sell laundry detergent.
DIRT-BOY: We'll see how many frat-rapes occur after I'm given the death-penalty.
MAX: Yes, and I'm sure you'll be canonized as a Nostradamus of unwanted ambition...
DIRT-BOY: Make no mistake, detective, I delivered a valuable omen about self-presentation.
MAX: All you did was sink in your claws against fun-loving casino-goers.
DIRT-BOY: Do you have nothing against Trump Taj Mahal (Atlantic City)?
MAX: No, and I like the film Atlantic City (Susan Sarandon).
DIRT-BOY: We'll see what Susan Sarandon has to say about Starbucks terrorism...
====
