Warning Signs/Can you 'Affair-Proof' a marriage?

[Joz]

The Readers’ Digest reported some time ago that 50% of all husbands and 30% of all wives had participated in an extra-marital affair. In the book Secret Lovers, the findings were even higher:70% of all husbands and 50% of all wives.

There are other factors that lead to divorce. We've learned all too well the affects. There are also many factors that lead to affairs.

What do you think are the warning signs of a troubled marriage?


1. Lack of understanding; about your mate, about marriage.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

An unnecessary rush to the altar before you actually get to know each other.

 

[archangel]

The Readers’ Digest reported some time ago that 50% of all husbands and 30% of all wives had participated in an extra-marital affair. In the book Secret Lovers, the findings were even higher:70% of all husbands and 50% of all wives.

There are other factors that lead to divorce. We've learned all too well the affects. There are also many factors that lead to affairs.

What do you think are the warning signs of a troubled marriage?


1. Lack of understanding; about your mate, about marriage.

off the cuff I would say the signs are as follows: Gal-I have a headache...Guy-I'm beat, hard day at work!...CC's maxed out...checking account way low or non-existent...Guy-I'm gonna hang with the guys tonight!...Gal-I have to do some charity work tonight!...Sleeping on the couch(either one) watching late night TV and falling asleep away from the bed!...geez the list could go on and on!

 

[Joz]

off the cuff I would say the signs are as follows: Gal-I have a headache...Guy-I'm beat, hard day at work!...CC's maxed out...checking account way low or non-existent...Guy-I'm gonna hang with the guys tonight!...Gal-I have to do some charity work tonight!...Sleeping on the couch(either one) watching late night TV and falling asleep away from the bed!...geez the list could go on and on!

Are these preventable? And if so, how?

 

[archangel]

Are these preventable? And if so, how?

I never had any luck preventing what seems to be the inevitable...people get bored with each other...I suppose if bordom could be overcome then the answer would be simple! Then there are just some who are natural runners...I really don't know how one could overcome a loose dog in constant heat! And I'm sure that there are some who have great marriages.....Maybe someone in here that does can relate!

 

[dmp]

Find your soul mate - not somebody you tolerate.

 

[Nienna]

A huge signal to me would be if your spouse is not the FIRST person you think of when you want to share something/ talk something over with, and you are not the FIRST person for him/her.

What to do? How do you "affair-proof" your marriage? I don't think you CAN, from the other person's side. You can't control your spouse. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it isn't enough for them.

But you CAN control yourself. You can choose not to commit adultery. You can walk away from tempting situations.

 

[Joz]

A huge signal to me would be if your spouse is not the FIRST person you think of when you want to share something/ talk something over with, and you are not the FIRST person for him/her.

What to do? How do you "affair-proof" your marriage? I don't think you CAN, from the other person's side. You can't control your spouse. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it isn't enough for them.

But you CAN control yourself. You can choose not to commit adultery. You can walk away from tempting situations.

You won't get any arguments from me on the points you made.
But what if you don't see it as a temptation? What if your intentions are totally innocent. Like needing advice from someone?
You know, you take someone into your confidence because you're confused about your mate. And so you seek the help of some 'guy friend' because he'll know what your man is thinking; right? And so little by little...............

The reason I'm questioning all this is Mm & I were having a similar discussion because we see a potential problem with a mutual friend.

 

[dmp]

You won't get any arguments from me on the points you made.
But what if you don't see it as a temptation? What if your intentions are totally innocent. Like needing advice from someone?
You know, you take someone into your confidence because you're confused about your mate. And so you seek the help of some 'guy friend' because he'll know what your man is thinking; right? And so little by little...............

The reason I'm questioning all this is Mm & I were having a similar discussion because we see a potential problem with a mutual friend.

Seek counsel from somebody of the same gender; or otherwise unavailable. For instance, if My wife wanted marital advice; somebody to trust with her frustrations about being married to an extremely affectionate, considerate, tender-but-strong-willed man, she'd better not knock on a Matt Damon type.
She should knock on the door of another woman, or a wilford brimley type.

 

[Annie]

The Readers’ Digest reported some time ago that 50% of all husbands and 30% of all wives had participated in an extra-marital affair. In the book Secret Lovers, the findings were even higher:70% of all husbands and 50% of all wives.

There are other factors that lead to divorce. We've learned all too well the affects. There are also many factors that lead to affairs.

What do you think are the warning signs of a troubled marriage?


1. Lack of understanding; about your mate, about marriage.

Actually being older and wiser now, I'd say look at the parents, the soon-to-be inlaws. Have one or both fooled around? Do they treat each other with respect?

 

[dmp]

...do both parties in the marriage hold ALL vows to equal importance? Is the wife being held accountable to her vow to 'cherrish'? Is the husband being held accountable to 'love'?

 

[ErikViking]

AND THE OLD MAN SAYS:

"What you don't know can't hurt marriage."

My new source of wisdom

 

[jillian]

Actually being older and wiser now, I'd say look at the parents, the soon-to-be inlaws. Have one or both fooled around? Do they treat each other with respect?

Certainly a good starting point. But I have this theory that we weren't really intended to live so very long or be monogomous for decades (in our nascient period, we'd have been "married" in our teens and dead by 20 or so).

Just a theory...

 

[dilloduck]

The Readers’ Digest reported some time ago that 50% of all husbands and 30% of all wives had participated in an extra-marital affair. In the book Secret Lovers, the findings were even higher:70% of all husbands and 50% of all wives.

There are other factors that lead to divorce. We've learned all too well the affects. There are also many factors that lead to affairs.

What do you think are the warning signs of a troubled marriage?


1. Lack of understanding; about your mate, about marriage.

Why would you marry someone you don't understand and if you don't understand marriage, why marry at all?

 

[Annie]

Why would you marry someone you don't understand and if you don't understand marriage, why marry at all?

Cause you are young and 'in lust' and believe that person will be a wonderful fellow parent and companion, evidence to the contrary notwithstanding?

 

[dilloduck]

Cause you are young and 'in lust' and believe that person will be a wonderful fellow parent and companion, evidence to the contrary notwithstanding?

How about a warning sign that your marriage is in trouble is the fact you decided to enter into an agreement that you did not understand? (for whatever reason)

 

[Annie]

How about a warning sign that your marriage is in trouble is the fact you decided to enter into an agreement that you did not understand? (for whatever reason)

 

[Joz]

Cause you are young and 'in lust' and believe that person will be a wonderful fellow parent and companion, evidence to the contrary notwithstanding?

Exactly. Every one of us here has a different view of marriage than what we did when we first walked down the aisle, whether you're divorced or still married.
What is said about love being blind is true. We tend to let the romance of the relationship take over instead of what actually is. Not that passion and romance is not necessary; you know how I feel about that. But it's easy to fall in love. Staying in love takes work.

 

[dilloduck]

Exactly. Every one of us here has a different view of marriage than what we did when we first walked down the aisle, whether you're divorced or still married.
What is said about love being blind is true. We tend to let the romance of the relationship take over instead of what actually is. Not that passion and romance is not necessary; you know how I feel about that. But it's easy to fall in love. Staying in love takes work.

I'll say it again---people do not understand what they are getting into yet they DO IT ANYWAY. There should be no surprise that marriages get shakey when people wed on emotional and physical impulses as opposed to rational thinking about what they are committing to.

 

[Joz]

Certainly a good starting point. But I have this theory that we weren't really intended to live so very long or be monogomous for decades (in our nascient period, we'd have been "married" in our teens and dead by 20 or so).

Just a theory...

Then I just have to ask, Why did you get married? And did you repeat vows in which you said, " 'tl death us do part"? And did you take them seriously? And how does your husband feel about your theory?