Warning Signs/Can you 'Affair-Proof' a marriage?

[dmp]

Cause you are young and 'in lust' and believe that person will be a wonderful fellow parent and companion, evidence to the contrary notwithstanding?

Or maybe they are young an naive and are getting married because it 'makes sense', hoping the desire and passion will grow from within? After all, they DID the popular "Start as Best Friends" bullshit!


...but I'm not bitter...

 

[Joz]

I'll say it again---people do not understand what they are getting into yet they DO IT ANYWAY. There should be no surprise that marriages get shakey when people wed on emotional and physical impulses as opposed to rational thinking about what they are committing to.

Yes, but young people think they understand. Aren't we bombarded with the fact that, "All you need is Love??? What about " I can't live without you, I'll die". Hollywood encourages co-dependency.

And how many young women think that a husband who doesn't know how to hit a laundry basket with his underwear will drive her crazy? It's just a little thing, right? But it's the little things in marriage that ARE the BIG things.

 

[Annie]

Ya know, may be a combination of modern times and survival. Children change everything. From body to thinking. In olden times they were considered 'help', now they are considered the be all and end all, well except being cute, young, and available to spouse 24/7. Oh yeah, should also work and bring home significant income, stay current in events, and have friends. Something is out of kilter.

 

[Joz]

Or maybe they are young an naive and are getting married because it 'makes sense', hoping the desire and passion will grow from within? After all, they DID the popular "Start as Best Friends" bullshit!


...but I'm not bitter...

But that "best-friend bullshit" as you call it is suppose to grow into passion. And if it doesn't, THAT should be a red flag. Saying vows does not make a marriage, they are not magic words.

 

[dilloduck]

Yes, but young people think they understand. Aren't we bombarded with the fact that, "All you need is Love??? What about " I can't live without you, I'll die". Hollywood encourages co-dependency.

And how many young women think that a husband who doesn't know how to hit a laundry basket with his underwear will drive her crazy? It's just a little thing, right? But it's the little things in marriage that ARE the BIG things.

Naturally "thinking" they understand doesn't cut it but ya gotta admit that a little bit of thinking prior to marriage might go a long way. Marriages fail because people give up on them. Divorce does not jsut happen to a marriage.

 

[Joz]

Naturally "thinking" they understand doesn't cut it but ya gotta admit that a little bit of thinking prior to marriage might go a long way. Marriages fail because people give up on them. Divorce does not jsut happen to a marriage.

Exactly. That is why you date a person, exclusively. You get to know that person, c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-e. There's too many with stars in their eyes, but I still say, that's not an entirely bad thing.
But someplace along the line there also has to be some reasoning.
I prayed about my upcoming marriage. But during our life together, things/we changed.....things I couldn't forsee.

I'm on Yahoo answers and there are sometimes girls there that write & say, "My boyfriend/fiance hit me, what should I do?" I can't comprehend that they even have to ask. I thought kids were suppose to be smarter; but in reality, they aren't. Not even about sex. I can't believe what is some of the advice that is given.

 

[dmp]

But that "best-friend bullshit" as you call it is suppose to grow into passion. And if it doesn't, THAT should be a red flag. Saying vows does not make a marriage, they are not magic words.

I guess the answer to it is, don't get married UNLESS it's there; that is to say, never marry on the premise of a relationship 'changing' for the better.

 

[jillian]

Then I just have to ask, Why did you get married? And did you repeat vows in which you said, " 'tl death us do part"? And did you take them seriously? And how does your husband feel about your theory?

Oh... I didn't say it pertained to me, necessarily. Although I do think it's one of the reasons that marriage is a lot of work. But I did a lot of matrimonial work and that was one of my observations.

 

[Mr. P]

I just learn about 2 weeks ago my fifth grade sweetheart who has been married some 30 years found that hubby was having affairs throughout their marriage. Sad. Sadder is why didn’t she know? Is love really blind? Even sadder is the last steady affair ended in April 2000. She says he’s still cheating even now. So why is she still with the guy? I have no clue.


She seems to be searching for what to do. I asked her, “if this was a girlfriend, and you knew what you know, what would you tell her to do?”. She never answered.

 

[Annie]

I just learn about 2 weeks ago my fifth grade sweetheart who has been married some 30 years found that hubby was having affairs throughout their marriage. Sad. Sadder is why didn’t she know? Is love really blind? Even sadder is the last steady affair ended in April 2000. She says he’s still cheating even now. So why is she still with the guy? I have no clue.


She seems to be searching for what to do. I asked her, “if this was a girlfriend, and you knew what you know, what would you tell her to do?”. She never answered.

I was married for 14 years, my ex was cheating from year 1. His dad, actually a nicer person, but easy for me to say, since I wasn't married to him, did the same. Did I have a clue? No. I trusted and projected my values and morals. I was wrong. At 24 I saw a very smart, sexy guy. He was disavowing the sins of his father/mother/grandparents/brother and I was more than willing to buy.

 

[Nienna]

But that "best-friend bullshit" as you call it is suppose to grow into passion. And if it doesn't, THAT should be a red flag. Saying vows does not make a marriage, they are not magic words.

I'm not sure friendship will necessarily grow into passion. I think that kind of attraction is a different type of thing.

It takes BOTH passion and friendship to make it in a marriage. After years of living together, seeing each other "not at your best," attraction can fade, but friendship & loyalty can pull you through. On the other hand, sometimes situations arise that make you not "like" each other very much. In this case, the sexual bond can keep you together.

But, those solutions only work short-term. Overall in a marriage, you need BOTH.

From my POV, also, it helps when the spouses are not only accountable to themselves & each other, but also accountable to God. When one might not feel like giving anything to his/her spouse, he/she should recognize that it pleases God to give to the spouse. Of course, not everyone believes in God, but it can help a marriage.

 

[Mr. P]

I was married for 14 years, my ex was cheating from year 1. His dad, actually a nicer person, but easy for me to say, since I wasn't married to him, did the same. Did I have a clue? No. I trusted and projected my values and morals. I was wrong. At 24 I saw a very smart, sexy guy. He was disavowing the sins of his father/mother/grandparents/brother and I was more than willing to buy.

I think she's doing the same. But you ended it, right? She doesn't seem to want to. I just don't understand. Even if the guy never does it again, she'll always know he did and wonder if he isn't. I can't see a GOOD marrage with that in the background. Just my opion.

 

[Annie]

I think she's doing the same. But you ended it, right? She doesn't seem to want to. I just don't understand. Even if the guy never does it again, she'll always know he did and wonder if he isn't. I can't see a GOOD marrage with that in the background. Just my opion.

Yeah, which is why I should have paid more attention to the dynamics, but I was young and in lust.

 

[dilloduck]

I think she's doing the same. But you ended it, right? She doesn't seem to want to. I just don't understand. Even if the guy never does it again, she'll always know he did and wonder if he isn't. I can't see a GOOD marrage with that in the background. Just my opion.

I would imagine one would have make a decision at that point and decide which consequences thay would rather live with. While it might be painful, forgiveness may be for the best. Divorce isn't mandatory.

 

[Annie]

I would imagine one would have make a decision at that point and decide which consequences thay would rather live with. While it might be painful, forgiveness may be for the best. Divorce isn't mandatory.

Not if the spose committing adultry was asking for forgiveness, but is (s)he?

 

[Mr. P]

I would imagine one would have make a decision at that point and decide which consequences thay would rather live with. While it might be painful, forgiveness may be for the best. Divorce isn't mandatory.

I agree divorce isn't always mandatory, but in a case where one has been unfaithful the entire 30 year marriage, I think it’s necessary. Is it just me?

I think we may be moving into an area for leaving as sick as the one for staying.

 

[dilloduck]

I agree divorce isn't always mandatory, but in a case where one has been unfaithful the entire 30 year marriage, I think it’s necessary. Is it just me?

I think we may be moving into an area for leaving as sick as the one for staying.

Individual circumstances and choices. It's tough to give general advice when a relationship is so unique.

 

[Mr. P]

Individual circumstances and choices. It's tough to give general advice when a relationship is so unique.

Heck, I'd say almost impossible.

 

[Joz]

I'm not sure friendship will necessarily grow into passion. I think that kind of attraction is a different type of thing.

It takes BOTH passion and friendship to make it in a marriage. After years of living together, seeing each other "not at your best," attraction can fade, but friendship & loyalty can pull you through. On the other hand, sometimes situations arise that make you not "like" each other very much. In this case, the sexual bond can keep you together.

But, those solutions only work short-term. Overall in a marriage, you need BOTH.

From my POV, also, it helps when the spouses are not only accountable to themselves & each other, but also accountable to God. When one might not feel like giving anything to his/her spouse, he/she should recognize that it pleases God to give to the spouse. Of course, not everyone believes in God, but it can help a marriage.

I guess the answer to it is, don't get married UNLESS it's there; that is to say, never marry on the premise of a relationship 'changing' for the better.

I agree that all friendship doesn't lead to passion. But I have to agree with dmp that if passion isn't there then that should give a person pause. You can have a marriage without passion but you can't have a marriage without friendship. On the other hand the only way you'll have a great marriage is with the passion.

 

[Joz]

I agree divorce isn't always mandatory, but in a case where one has been unfaithful the entire 30 year marriage, I think it’s necessary. Is it just me?

I think we may be moving into an area for leaving as sick as the one for staying.

I agree with you & dillo that divorce isn't mandatory. And if one is truly sorry & asks for forgivness from both the spouse & God, there can be healing. And there have been many couples who have stayed together.
But personally, I couldn't do it. I would be able to forgive but not forget. Everytime he would go to touch me, I imagine I would cringe. It would never be good again.

But as you said, somene that has cheated their entire marriage, I don't suppose is too sorry for their actions.

But I don't understand why you say it may be as sick to leave as it is to stay.