The Mindless Thread

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knowledge can be a sort of poison.

 

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Dr. says to patient getting a physical.
Mr. Jones you've been my patient for 40 years.
"Yeah Doc?" Mr. Jones replies.
Dr. Says. "You have to stop masturbating."
"Is it dangerous at my age Doc?"
"No, I'm trying to examine you."
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No Freeplay anymore Jonesy!

 

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I pulled into a gas station to get gas and had to pay inside. As I was walking in,
I noticed these 2 cops watching a man who was smoking while pumping gas.
I saw him and thought, "Is this dude stupid or crazy?" With the cops right there too??

But anyway, I went inside and paid. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.
I looked out the window and the man's arm's on fire! He was swinging his arm and running
around with this Flame on him. I ran outside and saw the cops had put him on the ground.
They're putting the fire out with their Big gulps of Colas!

Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in their cruiser. I'm thinking "what kind of person
smokes near a gas pump? But is it illegal?" So, being the curious person that I am, I asked one
of the cops what they were arresting him for ?
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The cop looks me square in the eyes and says "WAVING A FIREARM!"
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OK, THATS THE LAST AND WORSTEST I GOT TONIGHT.
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YOU thought the thread would end differently didn't you. ..........

.....

 

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Tracy is telling her new husband what to do.

"If you'll pick up some Celery and hot V8 juice,
pour the Hot V8 juice, sweetheart and Slice the
Celery, I will have Brunch ready." asap!

"Good, what are we having for Brunch?"
asked her real ignorant husband.

"Spicy hot V8 juice," Tracy replied,
"And Celery for deep dipping."

"Think of it, a - Bloody Mary!" ur X girlfriend !
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Please, will you just give a guy a break, even just for 1 weekend of peace.

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MOST LIKELY THE SAND HAS RUN DOWN !
Then I went Dirt Bike riding! Painful Choice is a great thought.

 

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One in military life can get hard fried and burnt some.

 

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Its been raining now for days. The rivers and creeks are flooded.
The City streets are pools of water. Cars splash slowly through them.


People on their way to work or home, no stop lights work.
After days of flooding the people start to become complacent.
They know eventually the waters will recede and things will get back to norms.

One day Phillip and Don meet at an intersection with a loud Caca Crunch-bang.
Donald gets out of his mangled car and beseeches Phillip.

"Why are you in such a great hurry to go through this flood water that you wreck us"





"I couldn't help it, its in my nature!"
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Have you ever seen the most beautiful woman?







"I can't help it, it's my nature!" →

 

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Fellow applies for a job at the USPS. The interviewer asks him,
“Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

” Ok,--- have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The man says “yes, a bomb exploded near me, I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer is shocked but assures the Guy that his disability qualifies him for extra points.
“You got the job. Most of us come in at 8am, but you can start tomorrow at 10am.”

“Why do I get to start late?” Asked the Guy.
“This is a government job. For the first couple of hours we just drink coffee and
scratch our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
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SOME THINGS MAKE PERFECT SENSE.

 

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Do you ever wonder why people squeeze and feel up the produce section of the grocery store?
All I wanted to do was take a picture of something funny there.
My incessant desire to watch a good Cartoon, I didn't like cartoons when I was 6.
After grade school I was left wondering if S & C really change anything in PROSE ?
I read a lot of Kings Books and thought, really scarry but awful writer. Now Peter Strobe was good !
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THE HORROR OF IT, THRU ALL THE CUNNING, TWISTS AND TURNS !

A THING A MA JIG!

I met a beautiful brunette in a bar, pole dancing.
I took her to a supper club/bar, with the live band &
all she wanted to do was dance! Then I found out
the piano player, Jerry Reed type was her Husband.
He was getting jealousies, standing and doing the Jig,
while playing and singing. Her name was Mary Anne,
his Jerry Reed type guy. They left for Las Vegas soon.
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I FEEL LUCKY TODAY!

 

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What da ya know?

 

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar.
He didn't do any of that stuff."

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The Tires seem all wrong here! ...

 

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Thas Better Than Big Foot ! ...

 

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Sure, there is no way I would be seen doing it. It's not because, its because no way! But actually the left foot is most lilely on the turf not the pedal, the angles show it is above the boot. Haha. ...

 

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African Bob's, a well-known and much publicized guide but did not speak Leonese and is unfamiliar with the territory his group has asked him to take them in.
While he's leading the safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safaris drop from exhaustion, African Bob decided to stop on the trail & unknowingly, between two lion groups and camp for the night.
After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Bob sat in a Campers Chair and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lion Prides, simultaneously, pounced on African Bob and ate him on the spot. When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Bob's been killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." she paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.
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"Me turning back the time would Shirley be a Karen though."
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed,
he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?"
asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your *****. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic Surgeon? Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't go & Pee in your eyes!
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I'm not angry just not happy!
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----------------------------------------Sure, its another dress up day.____________________________________

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns. 10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
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My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,”
as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon. Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when
we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.” “Tom who?” I ask?"
my mom says, “Tom Cruise, of course.”
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Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BASS BOAT FOR SALE
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Today is Dress up the Office Day!
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