The first thing I noticed when I was in the forest is that it is big. Really big! The next thing I noticed is that it is easy to lose your way. The next thing I noticed is that once you lose your way, there are no exit signs. None! The next thing I noticed is that, owing to the absence of exit signs, you can walk for hours and hours and hours on end in any direction and still be in the middle of nowhere, which forces you to camp out for the night against your will. Maybe camp out is the wrong term to use here because I had no camping gear; no sleeping bag, no tent, no food, and no water. And thanks to my decision to give up smoking four years earlier, no lighter or matches. No fire! I gave up smoking to save my life. The fucking irony . . .
The next thing I noticed is that I needed toilet paper--being really scared does that to me. Since I didn't have toilet paper, I was forced to use a handful of leaves. It was at that point that I learned the hard way that "if the leaves be three, leave it be." Even before that happened, I stopped seeing the beauty of the forest, and instead saw it as a big fucking . . . thing that had swallowed me alive. I won't talk about the mosquitoes, but they were bad; not as bad as my "if the leaves be three" wiping experience, but still pretty bad!
Then, just before dark, I heard some animal coming my way. So I had to climb a tree. It was a wolf I think, or a large coyote. It was sniffing around and found where I had my wiping incident. I watched in disgust as it ate my shit. It made me vomit. The wolf or whatever it was heard my vomit hit the ground, and ran to it and fucking started chowing down on that, too. Beauty of nature my ass. I was all out of vomit and so I clung to the branch I was sitting on and had a short spell of the dry-heaves, which seemed to frighten the dog creature.
Next time I go into the forest, it's going to be on a motorcycle . . . with a full tank of gas . . . and a tire pump . . . and a tire-patch kit . . . two of 'em . . . and a compass . . . and a cellphone . . . and a handgun . . . and extra gas . . . and toilet paper!
The next thing I noticed is that I needed toilet paper--being really scared does that to me. Since I didn't have toilet paper, I was forced to use a handful of leaves. It was at that point that I learned the hard way that "if the leaves be three, leave it be." Even before that happened, I stopped seeing the beauty of the forest, and instead saw it as a big fucking . . . thing that had swallowed me alive. I won't talk about the mosquitoes, but they were bad; not as bad as my "if the leaves be three" wiping experience, but still pretty bad!
Then, just before dark, I heard some animal coming my way. So I had to climb a tree. It was a wolf I think, or a large coyote. It was sniffing around and found where I had my wiping incident. I watched in disgust as it ate my shit. It made me vomit. The wolf or whatever it was heard my vomit hit the ground, and ran to it and fucking started chowing down on that, too. Beauty of nature my ass. I was all out of vomit and so I clung to the branch I was sitting on and had a short spell of the dry-heaves, which seemed to frighten the dog creature.
Next time I go into the forest, it's going to be on a motorcycle . . . with a full tank of gas . . . and a tire pump . . . and a tire-patch kit . . . two of 'em . . . and a compass . . . and a cellphone . . . and a handgun . . . and extra gas . . . and toilet paper!
