excalibur
Diamond Member
- Mar 19, 2015
- 18,149
- 34,374
- 2,290
Nails Biden and Harris.
Nails this administration.
Nails the left.
www.takimag.com
Nails this administration.
Nails the left.
“SNORT BY SNORTWEST”—A BASED COLUMBO MYSTERY
Washington, D.C.
The White House.
A beat-up Peugeot sputters up to the Oval Office through the hole in the gate left by that Hindu guy with the swastika. The door opens. Lieutenant Columbo, wrinkled raincoat, half-smoked cigar, exits.
Sergeant Wilson: “We got a messy one, Lieutenant. Cocaine was found in the White House. It’s a real scandal.”
Columbo: “Who found it?”
Wilson: “An old man named Biden. He’s either the president or a dementia patient who thinks he’s the president. We’ve got him here for questioning.”
Columbo: “Sir, where did you find the cocaine?”
Biden: “Listen, Jack, that ain’t no gotta done by the look man I mean hey where’s fat [intense whisper] not done man!”
Columbo: “Well, that was uniquely unhelpful.”
Wilson: “Here’s the shrieking maniac who claims to be his vice president.”
Columbo: “Ma’am, what can you tell us about the coke?”
Harris (laughing hysterically): “Whhuh-yuh-hoook whhuh-yuh-hoook I mean right? A-haaaack we all know, right? Huh? Right? Hoook-hoook eee-ga-hee-ga-hark!”
Columbo: “Okay, clearly everyone here is high. From the cackling lunatic to the dementia patient to the dementia patient’s wife who thinks she’s a doctor. But that doesn’t answer the question of who brought the cocaine into the building. So just one more thing…is there a known cocaine addict who visited the place before the coke was found?”
Wilson: “Yes, sir, the dementia guy’s son. He’s a cokehead.”
Columbo: “You know, you really didn’t need me on this case.”
Wilson: “Sorry, sir. But the press doesn’t want us to pin the coke found at the White House on the coke addict who visited the White House. So we were hoping you could find some different angle.”
Columbo: “Maybe just pin it on that Oriental guy?”
Xi Jinping (carting boxes of classified documents from the White House Situation Room): “Hey, I only do opium, dogface.”
WHITE LINES (DON’T DON’T DO IT)
And sticking with nose candy fun from Joe’s randy son…
Two months after 9/11, and less than a month after the anthrax attacks, a plane was quarantined at LAX when a white powder was found in the bathroom. The plane and all its passengers were taken to a special decontamination hangar constructed for biological threats.
As the families of those on board nervously waited in the main terminal for word on their loved ones, the all-clear was given. Turned out the white substance was just coke. No anthrax or ricin. No akbar, just crackbar. And the funny thing about the story is that the phrases “just coke” and “only cocaine” were used in every news story. The point being, America had just been through horrific events of such magnitude, finding a mysterious substance and learning that it’s “only cocaine” was a genuine relief.
So when cocaine was found at the White House last week, and everyone in the press feigned shock or outrage, the question that comes to mind is, considering what’s been in the White House recently, is coke really worse?
Worse than, say, the fact that only a few weeks ago Biden hosted a party for mentally ill men who’d had their penises surgically removed and mentally ill women who’d had unnecessary mastectomies, and these freaks flashed selfies on the White House lawn, showing off the nub where their dirlywanger had been and the massive scars where doctors who are totally not Mengele had cut off healthy breasts because the patient saw a TikTok video?
Coke ain’t that bad in comparison. Cole Porter sang of it. You know what Cole Porter never sang about?
Washington, D.C.
The White House.
A beat-up Peugeot sputters up to the Oval Office through the hole in the gate left by that Hindu guy with the swastika. The door opens. Lieutenant Columbo, wrinkled raincoat, half-smoked cigar, exits.
Sergeant Wilson: “We got a messy one, Lieutenant. Cocaine was found in the White House. It’s a real scandal.”
Columbo: “Who found it?”
Wilson: “An old man named Biden. He’s either the president or a dementia patient who thinks he’s the president. We’ve got him here for questioning.”
Columbo: “Sir, where did you find the cocaine?”
Biden: “Listen, Jack, that ain’t no gotta done by the look man I mean hey where’s fat [intense whisper] not done man!”
Columbo: “Well, that was uniquely unhelpful.”
Wilson: “Here’s the shrieking maniac who claims to be his vice president.”
Columbo: “Ma’am, what can you tell us about the coke?”
Harris (laughing hysterically): “Whhuh-yuh-hoook whhuh-yuh-hoook I mean right? A-haaaack we all know, right? Huh? Right? Hoook-hoook eee-ga-hee-ga-hark!”
Columbo: “Okay, clearly everyone here is high. From the cackling lunatic to the dementia patient to the dementia patient’s wife who thinks she’s a doctor. But that doesn’t answer the question of who brought the cocaine into the building. So just one more thing…is there a known cocaine addict who visited the place before the coke was found?”
Wilson: “Yes, sir, the dementia guy’s son. He’s a cokehead.”
Columbo: “You know, you really didn’t need me on this case.”
Wilson: “Sorry, sir. But the press doesn’t want us to pin the coke found at the White House on the coke addict who visited the White House. So we were hoping you could find some different angle.”
Columbo: “Maybe just pin it on that Oriental guy?”
Xi Jinping (carting boxes of classified documents from the White House Situation Room): “Hey, I only do opium, dogface.”
WHITE LINES (DON’T DON’T DO IT)
And sticking with nose candy fun from Joe’s randy son…
Two months after 9/11, and less than a month after the anthrax attacks, a plane was quarantined at LAX when a white powder was found in the bathroom. The plane and all its passengers were taken to a special decontamination hangar constructed for biological threats.
As the families of those on board nervously waited in the main terminal for word on their loved ones, the all-clear was given. Turned out the white substance was just coke. No anthrax or ricin. No akbar, just crackbar. And the funny thing about the story is that the phrases “just coke” and “only cocaine” were used in every news story. The point being, America had just been through horrific events of such magnitude, finding a mysterious substance and learning that it’s “only cocaine” was a genuine relief.
So when cocaine was found at the White House last week, and everyone in the press feigned shock or outrage, the question that comes to mind is, considering what’s been in the White House recently, is coke really worse?
Worse than, say, the fact that only a few weeks ago Biden hosted a party for mentally ill men who’d had their penises surgically removed and mentally ill women who’d had unnecessary mastectomies, and these freaks flashed selfies on the White House lawn, showing off the nub where their dirlywanger had been and the massive scars where doctors who are totally not Mengele had cut off healthy breasts because the patient saw a TikTok video?
Coke ain’t that bad in comparison. Cole Porter sang of it. You know what Cole Porter never sang about?
