Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
Yessir, I dun met that cocksucker, Vladimir Putin, I did. It were, ohhhh, back in 2002 I reckon. See, I wuz on vacation down thar in Florryda during sprang break. I know, I is too old fer that shit and I ain’t never been to no high filutin college. I ain’t no student. I is The Professor…. The Professor of fucking sweet, young college pussy! And thar is plenty of teaching to be dun during spring break.
So come April one of 2002 I hitched my old wooden wagon up to my old mule, Hillary, and took off to Florida fer the Super Bowl of fuck. Unfortunately, I had been trippin on sum pineal glands whilst I were calculating my journey. As a result, I did not arrive in Florida fer 4 weeks later. It didn’t help that when I started my sojourn I were a’holdin my old compass upside down. I didn’t even realize it until I seen a sign saying “Welcome to Ohio” a week later.
But eventually I dun did arrive in the sunshine state. My first thought was “whar’s the fucking beach?!?” There weren’t no goddamn water anywhere except fer sum skanky looking swamps. I thought this may be a good place to go after that thar Skunk Ape. That’s what they call them Sasquatch down here in these parts. But it tweren’t no Sasquatch I were after right now. I were after sum “Ass-Crotch”.
Well sir, I sat thar fer a moment, pulled over on the side of I-95. I cyphered on my situation fer a spell. Then I remembered seeing a picture of the geographical layout of Florida. I seen it that time I stole cable TV from a local hotel back home called the “Bigfoot Inn”. It wuz time fer the Georgia-Florida game and I did not feel like driving down into town and watching it at sum dive bar with all them assholes. See, I tapped into the coax cable then run me a line bout 37 miles up and down the mountains until I got it to my cabin in Sasquatch Hollow. As it turned out, I was 11 feet short! I had to set up my old picture tube in my front yard.
So during the game I seen a picture of the state. I thunk to myself that it looked like a big, thick flaccid dong. “SHIT FIRE!”, I thought to myself. Florida must be full of black dudes cuz this here is the big dick state! I figured that I would fit in fine down there.
Then I had me one of them thar epiphanies. The revelation hit he so hard it damn near knocked me over. THIS is why all them horny little pussies high tail it to Florida ever spring: cuz Florida looks like a big old sloppy tallywacker!! I felt like I had jest been touched by the hand of God hisself. BIG DICK ATTRACTS HOT PUSSY! It’s a natural law. It were one of them thar special moments ya might have once or twice during yer life.
So I remembered that Florida was a long flaccid fuck stick. This means all I have to do is head either east or west and I HAD to hit water! Then I remembered that I-95 hugged the east coast. Or was it the west coast? Hmmmmm… Those damned old glands had gotten all over me that I had a hard time thinking straight. “Oh well, fuck it! I’m going to hit water either way I go.”
I turned and went west. On the third day old Hillary got bit by a water moccasin crossing the road. I figured I may as well put the bitch out of her misery cuz she weren’t gonna be any good to me now. “BANG!” I put a .44 mag bullet right through Hillary’s head. She fell like a stone.
The next thing I knowd was thar were giant lizards coming out of the swamps around me! They took to old Hillary’s corpse and started ripping it apart, then EATING her! “WHAT IN TARNATION IS THESE CRITTERS?!?!”, I thought to myself. Hell, we got lizards back home, but they only git bout 6 inches long at most. But these motherfuckers here in Floriddy are 12 FEET long!!! And they got TEETH! HOLY SHEEYIT!!!
Well sir, I wuz tickled pink cuz I had worked up a powerful hunger and I ran out of the vittles I packed. I also weren’t looking forward to cooking up Hillary cuz ya’ll gotta slow roast a mule to make it edible, and I ain’t got time fer that shit. I wanted to git my fuck on.
I got ahold of one of them thar giant lizards by the tail. I pulled that sumbitch away from the carnage of Hillary’s corpse, then jumped on top of it. It thrashed and rolled sumthang fierce! But I got the better of it. I grabbed both sides of its head and twisted it sharply and violently to the left. “CRACK!!” I broke the motherfuckers neck!
I skint that sumbitch up. Then I deicided to eat it raw…sushi style. I gotta tell you fellers sumthang: this lizard meet is DEE-LISCIOUS!! I made a mental note to wrangle up a few of these here lizards to take back home with me fer vittles. These fuckers make fer some damn fine eatin!
Then another thought hit me like a ton of bricks. We’re it another epiphany? Well, not quite. But it were damn close! I needed me sum transport and old Hillary was dead and eaten by giant lizards. Maybe I ought to use the lizards to power my old wagon!
Well sir, I got down into that old swamp and wrangled me up 5 or 6 of them damned reptiles, then I hitched them to my wagon. I climbed up on my wagon, took the reins, and hit em. “YOW YOW!!!! HEY NOW!! GIT!!! LET’S GO NOW!!! GIT!! GIT!!!” It did not work worth a shit. Dumbass lizards. I would have had better luck trying to put my jizz ropes back into my dick. Oh well, not every idea can be a winner.
Then I heard a familiar sound approaching from the East. It were a car! I knew my problem was solved. As the auto approached I stood in the middle of the road waving my arms to git it to stop. It did. Then this old fucker got out and asked if there had been an accident. He had a real concern on his face as he stared at the road behind me: a broken down wagon, a mutilated and bloody mule corpse, and gigantic lizards lurking around everwhere.
I sed “Howdy fella! I am Roy. What’s yer name?” He sed “I’m …”, then “BLAMMM!!!!” The report from my .44 mag was deafening. I grabbed my shit and threw it into the back of his car: a Toyota Prius. I thought to myself “Goddamn. A commie car. Fuck this here shit!” But I remembered that I wuz stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, and that thar be sum of that thar good old warm and wet, young and tender cooter jest up ahead. I sighed and thought, “whatever.”
As I pulled away in the commie car I looked in the rear view mirror. I seen one of them thar giant lizards dragging the commie sumbitch’s body off into the swamp. “Serves him right!”, I sed out loud.
I headed west fer an hour. I deduced that I wuz on Highway 10. After a bit I seen me a sigh fer Panama City Beach. I thought “HELL YEAH!” I knowd that PCB is sacred pussy hunting ground in the hallowed annals of fucking. I could already feel my cock getting hard. I stomped on the gas pedal on the Prius, but of course nothing happened. “What a fucking piece of shit!”, I said.
Now, to speed things up and not get bogged down in all the sex shit, let me jest say that I spent a few days at PCB. Unfortunately, spring break wuz over and all that fresh young pussy wuz gone. So I settled fer a bunch of fat moms taking “girls vacations” away from thar families. It were amazing how many of these bitches there were thar. All it took was meeting their drunk asses out at night, flashing them a look at my old Hawg Leg, then it was hard core sloppy fucking until morning. Those bitches were gross. But at least I got my ball sacks drained. At this point it were medicinal.
Now you may be wondering where Putin fits into all this here. Well sir, I am a’gonna tell ya. During all that fucking, humping, sloshing around, and wallowing in big girl flesh fer a week, I came across Putin, both figuratively and literally. See, old Putin has got him a thing fer fat, sub-milf bitches. It is a fetish with him.
So during one schloggjng session with multiple bitches, one of them thar whoowahs let out a great big old wet fart. I never stopped pumping whatever hole I was into at the moment. But I did raise up my head and look around because it was a gnarly trouser sneeze. I grimaced at the thought of what the smell was going to be like when it hit.
Then I saw him: Putin. See, in this here moment thar were fat bitch flesh from here to over yonder. We filled up a big old hotel suite. It were an orgy, really. Fat bitches everywhere. It started out with me flashing my pecker at a bar. Then me and 3 of them bitches headed back to the hotel. We started fucking right away. After a bit, I noticed that there wuz bout 10 bitches in the room. Pretty soon a couple other dudes were thar. Next thang ya know this place was literally wall-to-wall flesh. I don’t rightly knowd how the scene evolved except to say thar were a lot of fruity alcoholic drinks and a lot of X being passed around.
But thar he was. That rat-bastard commie, Vladimir Putin, was a couple of fat whoowahs over, pumping the rump of one of the bitches. I immediately made a mental note that I would waste that commie prick after I had my fill of pussy.
Hours later I passed out from exhaustion. I was drained. Ever time I orgasmed the only thing that would come out of my dick was air. Eventually I came to. I got up and made my way toward the kitchenette to try to find me something to drink. I was parched like a pecker in the desert.
I had to wade through a sea of naked fat bitches. They were everywhere, passed out on the beds, chairs, and all over the floor. I noticed some dude lying thar dead in a corner with obvious blunt trauma to his head. I figured one of them big old gals rolled over on top of him and squashed his skull.
Finally in the kitchen, all I could find to drink was Bacardi and Diet Coke. “Jesus Christ”, I thought. Then I heard his voice as he walked into the kitchenette, “Here, Comrade! Try some of this juice of orange!” It was Putin, and he was handing me a glass of cold orange juice. “Thanks”, I sed. Then I drank the juice. Jesus Christ, I got to tell you that it was delicious and much needed!
As I drank Putin leaned up against the kitchen counter and spoke to me. He said “You and I, comrade, we are the same, no? We both like to take the large ones! The thicker the cushion, you know? Ha ha!!” I just studied his face as I drank the juice. The communist pecker.
Then things took a dark turn. See, old Putin sed “Look, friend, the bitches are out of the game for a few hours, you know? Even when they come to they have to re-fuel on daiquiris and chocolate brownies, you know? Let’s do each other a favor and do mouth stuff on each other until then. What do you say, buddy?”
Putin then dropped the towel around his waist and it fell to the floor. There stood Putin’s commie dick at full salute. It was not small, but it was not big either. It was clearly uncircumcised and for some reason it was a darker color than the rest of his skin on his body. What a fucking weirdo.
So there was old Vlad, a chubby chaser who just proposed gay sex to me. Without needing to consider anything, I grabbed a large kitchen knife that was sticking out of the remains of a chocolate cake one of the bitches had brought and in one motion brought it down on the commie prick, slicing off his member in one strike. His commie dick hit the floor with a “WHUP!”.
Old Pooty’s eyes grew wide and he reached for his crotch. Blood was pouring out around his fingers. Knowing that I had best get my ass out of there before Vlad’s security force busts in, I violently punched the dick-tater in his throat then high tailed it out of thar. He hit the floor as I hit the door.
Once outside I spotted Putin’s security detail. They were on the other side of the hotel parking lot. I yelled in their direction, “Hey! You cocksucking commies!” I then dropped trou and mooned the bastards. I chuckled as they rushed over to me. Then I pulled out my .44 magnum.
Well sir, I got home a few days later. I could not help but to think how fucked we is as a world when the leader of Russia is sum degenerate chubby-chasing cock whore. “What the fuck is the world coming to?”, I asked to nobody as I sat on my front porch in Sasquatch Hollow, sipping sum of my good old homemade korn licker and fingering the trigger of my rifle as I wait on a Sasquatch to saunter up out of the woods. Fucking commies.
So come April one of 2002 I hitched my old wooden wagon up to my old mule, Hillary, and took off to Florida fer the Super Bowl of fuck. Unfortunately, I had been trippin on sum pineal glands whilst I were calculating my journey. As a result, I did not arrive in Florida fer 4 weeks later. It didn’t help that when I started my sojourn I were a’holdin my old compass upside down. I didn’t even realize it until I seen a sign saying “Welcome to Ohio” a week later.
But eventually I dun did arrive in the sunshine state. My first thought was “whar’s the fucking beach?!?” There weren’t no goddamn water anywhere except fer sum skanky looking swamps. I thought this may be a good place to go after that thar Skunk Ape. That’s what they call them Sasquatch down here in these parts. But it tweren’t no Sasquatch I were after right now. I were after sum “Ass-Crotch”.
Well sir, I sat thar fer a moment, pulled over on the side of I-95. I cyphered on my situation fer a spell. Then I remembered seeing a picture of the geographical layout of Florida. I seen it that time I stole cable TV from a local hotel back home called the “Bigfoot Inn”. It wuz time fer the Georgia-Florida game and I did not feel like driving down into town and watching it at sum dive bar with all them assholes. See, I tapped into the coax cable then run me a line bout 37 miles up and down the mountains until I got it to my cabin in Sasquatch Hollow. As it turned out, I was 11 feet short! I had to set up my old picture tube in my front yard.
So during the game I seen a picture of the state. I thunk to myself that it looked like a big, thick flaccid dong. “SHIT FIRE!”, I thought to myself. Florida must be full of black dudes cuz this here is the big dick state! I figured that I would fit in fine down there.
Then I had me one of them thar epiphanies. The revelation hit he so hard it damn near knocked me over. THIS is why all them horny little pussies high tail it to Florida ever spring: cuz Florida looks like a big old sloppy tallywacker!! I felt like I had jest been touched by the hand of God hisself. BIG DICK ATTRACTS HOT PUSSY! It’s a natural law. It were one of them thar special moments ya might have once or twice during yer life.
So I remembered that Florida was a long flaccid fuck stick. This means all I have to do is head either east or west and I HAD to hit water! Then I remembered that I-95 hugged the east coast. Or was it the west coast? Hmmmmm… Those damned old glands had gotten all over me that I had a hard time thinking straight. “Oh well, fuck it! I’m going to hit water either way I go.”
I turned and went west. On the third day old Hillary got bit by a water moccasin crossing the road. I figured I may as well put the bitch out of her misery cuz she weren’t gonna be any good to me now. “BANG!” I put a .44 mag bullet right through Hillary’s head. She fell like a stone.
The next thing I knowd was thar were giant lizards coming out of the swamps around me! They took to old Hillary’s corpse and started ripping it apart, then EATING her! “WHAT IN TARNATION IS THESE CRITTERS?!?!”, I thought to myself. Hell, we got lizards back home, but they only git bout 6 inches long at most. But these motherfuckers here in Floriddy are 12 FEET long!!! And they got TEETH! HOLY SHEEYIT!!!
Well sir, I wuz tickled pink cuz I had worked up a powerful hunger and I ran out of the vittles I packed. I also weren’t looking forward to cooking up Hillary cuz ya’ll gotta slow roast a mule to make it edible, and I ain’t got time fer that shit. I wanted to git my fuck on.
I got ahold of one of them thar giant lizards by the tail. I pulled that sumbitch away from the carnage of Hillary’s corpse, then jumped on top of it. It thrashed and rolled sumthang fierce! But I got the better of it. I grabbed both sides of its head and twisted it sharply and violently to the left. “CRACK!!” I broke the motherfuckers neck!
I skint that sumbitch up. Then I deicided to eat it raw…sushi style. I gotta tell you fellers sumthang: this lizard meet is DEE-LISCIOUS!! I made a mental note to wrangle up a few of these here lizards to take back home with me fer vittles. These fuckers make fer some damn fine eatin!
Then another thought hit me like a ton of bricks. We’re it another epiphany? Well, not quite. But it were damn close! I needed me sum transport and old Hillary was dead and eaten by giant lizards. Maybe I ought to use the lizards to power my old wagon!
Well sir, I got down into that old swamp and wrangled me up 5 or 6 of them damned reptiles, then I hitched them to my wagon. I climbed up on my wagon, took the reins, and hit em. “YOW YOW!!!! HEY NOW!! GIT!!! LET’S GO NOW!!! GIT!! GIT!!!” It did not work worth a shit. Dumbass lizards. I would have had better luck trying to put my jizz ropes back into my dick. Oh well, not every idea can be a winner.
Then I heard a familiar sound approaching from the East. It were a car! I knew my problem was solved. As the auto approached I stood in the middle of the road waving my arms to git it to stop. It did. Then this old fucker got out and asked if there had been an accident. He had a real concern on his face as he stared at the road behind me: a broken down wagon, a mutilated and bloody mule corpse, and gigantic lizards lurking around everwhere.
I sed “Howdy fella! I am Roy. What’s yer name?” He sed “I’m …”, then “BLAMMM!!!!” The report from my .44 mag was deafening. I grabbed my shit and threw it into the back of his car: a Toyota Prius. I thought to myself “Goddamn. A commie car. Fuck this here shit!” But I remembered that I wuz stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, and that thar be sum of that thar good old warm and wet, young and tender cooter jest up ahead. I sighed and thought, “whatever.”
As I pulled away in the commie car I looked in the rear view mirror. I seen one of them thar giant lizards dragging the commie sumbitch’s body off into the swamp. “Serves him right!”, I sed out loud.
I headed west fer an hour. I deduced that I wuz on Highway 10. After a bit I seen me a sigh fer Panama City Beach. I thought “HELL YEAH!” I knowd that PCB is sacred pussy hunting ground in the hallowed annals of fucking. I could already feel my cock getting hard. I stomped on the gas pedal on the Prius, but of course nothing happened. “What a fucking piece of shit!”, I said.
Now, to speed things up and not get bogged down in all the sex shit, let me jest say that I spent a few days at PCB. Unfortunately, spring break wuz over and all that fresh young pussy wuz gone. So I settled fer a bunch of fat moms taking “girls vacations” away from thar families. It were amazing how many of these bitches there were thar. All it took was meeting their drunk asses out at night, flashing them a look at my old Hawg Leg, then it was hard core sloppy fucking until morning. Those bitches were gross. But at least I got my ball sacks drained. At this point it were medicinal.
Now you may be wondering where Putin fits into all this here. Well sir, I am a’gonna tell ya. During all that fucking, humping, sloshing around, and wallowing in big girl flesh fer a week, I came across Putin, both figuratively and literally. See, old Putin has got him a thing fer fat, sub-milf bitches. It is a fetish with him.
So during one schloggjng session with multiple bitches, one of them thar whoowahs let out a great big old wet fart. I never stopped pumping whatever hole I was into at the moment. But I did raise up my head and look around because it was a gnarly trouser sneeze. I grimaced at the thought of what the smell was going to be like when it hit.
Then I saw him: Putin. See, in this here moment thar were fat bitch flesh from here to over yonder. We filled up a big old hotel suite. It were an orgy, really. Fat bitches everywhere. It started out with me flashing my pecker at a bar. Then me and 3 of them bitches headed back to the hotel. We started fucking right away. After a bit, I noticed that there wuz bout 10 bitches in the room. Pretty soon a couple other dudes were thar. Next thang ya know this place was literally wall-to-wall flesh. I don’t rightly knowd how the scene evolved except to say thar were a lot of fruity alcoholic drinks and a lot of X being passed around.
But thar he was. That rat-bastard commie, Vladimir Putin, was a couple of fat whoowahs over, pumping the rump of one of the bitches. I immediately made a mental note that I would waste that commie prick after I had my fill of pussy.
Hours later I passed out from exhaustion. I was drained. Ever time I orgasmed the only thing that would come out of my dick was air. Eventually I came to. I got up and made my way toward the kitchenette to try to find me something to drink. I was parched like a pecker in the desert.
I had to wade through a sea of naked fat bitches. They were everywhere, passed out on the beds, chairs, and all over the floor. I noticed some dude lying thar dead in a corner with obvious blunt trauma to his head. I figured one of them big old gals rolled over on top of him and squashed his skull.
Finally in the kitchen, all I could find to drink was Bacardi and Diet Coke. “Jesus Christ”, I thought. Then I heard his voice as he walked into the kitchenette, “Here, Comrade! Try some of this juice of orange!” It was Putin, and he was handing me a glass of cold orange juice. “Thanks”, I sed. Then I drank the juice. Jesus Christ, I got to tell you that it was delicious and much needed!
As I drank Putin leaned up against the kitchen counter and spoke to me. He said “You and I, comrade, we are the same, no? We both like to take the large ones! The thicker the cushion, you know? Ha ha!!” I just studied his face as I drank the juice. The communist pecker.
Then things took a dark turn. See, old Putin sed “Look, friend, the bitches are out of the game for a few hours, you know? Even when they come to they have to re-fuel on daiquiris and chocolate brownies, you know? Let’s do each other a favor and do mouth stuff on each other until then. What do you say, buddy?”
Putin then dropped the towel around his waist and it fell to the floor. There stood Putin’s commie dick at full salute. It was not small, but it was not big either. It was clearly uncircumcised and for some reason it was a darker color than the rest of his skin on his body. What a fucking weirdo.
So there was old Vlad, a chubby chaser who just proposed gay sex to me. Without needing to consider anything, I grabbed a large kitchen knife that was sticking out of the remains of a chocolate cake one of the bitches had brought and in one motion brought it down on the commie prick, slicing off his member in one strike. His commie dick hit the floor with a “WHUP!”.
Old Pooty’s eyes grew wide and he reached for his crotch. Blood was pouring out around his fingers. Knowing that I had best get my ass out of there before Vlad’s security force busts in, I violently punched the dick-tater in his throat then high tailed it out of thar. He hit the floor as I hit the door.
Once outside I spotted Putin’s security detail. They were on the other side of the hotel parking lot. I yelled in their direction, “Hey! You cocksucking commies!” I then dropped trou and mooned the bastards. I chuckled as they rushed over to me. Then I pulled out my .44 magnum.
Well sir, I got home a few days later. I could not help but to think how fucked we is as a world when the leader of Russia is sum degenerate chubby-chasing cock whore. “What the fuck is the world coming to?”, I asked to nobody as I sat on my front porch in Sasquatch Hollow, sipping sum of my good old homemade korn licker and fingering the trigger of my rifle as I wait on a Sasquatch to saunter up out of the woods. Fucking commies.
