Let's offend everybody ...

[Phoenix]

OK, OK, OK... I'm going to go out on a limb here - way out on a limb. Just remember ladies that it's just a stupid joke.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

A: It makes the penis fall off the dumb ones!

No wonder y'all men keep checking to see if yours is still attached.

 

[Big Black Dog]

Eve - I went to a cock fight over the weekend. I was so sore on Sunday morning I could hardly walk...

 

[Phoenix]

Eve - I went to a cock fight over the weekend. I was so sore on Sunday morning I could hardly walk...

Next time just watch.

 

[Big Black Dog]

Eve - Sad thing is they made me fight in the "lightweight" class...

 

[JBeukema]

and he had a significant reach disadvantage

 

[Phoenix]

Eve - Sad thing is they made me fight in the "lightweight" class...

Uh-oh.

Definitely just go and bet from now on.

 

[jillian]

You might be a Northerner .....

if you think "barbecue" is a verb meaning to cook outside

It isn't? ;(

if you have ever driven 70mph....within 6" of the guy in front of you....in a blizzard.... while shaving.

eh... unless you can do that while putting on mascara....

if you can pronounce "Worcestershire Sauce"

check

if you have ever beaten someone up for mentioning the year ****.
if you know what year **** is.

I suppose mentioning Bill Buckner is out of the question?

if you have ever prevented someone from getting in front of you on the highway by making it physically impossible to get between you and the guy in front of you.

Is there a problem with that?

if you have ever passed on the right (especially as they're entering the highway).

yeah, and?

if you think a yellow light means to accelerate.

It doesn't?

if you have ever seen an inverted intersection: cars move on red, stop on green.

welcome to city living.

if you know how to drive in a rotary.

is that a jug handle?

if you think using turn signals is a sign of weakness.

everyone knows that if you signal to change lanes, the guy in the lane you're trying to get into will pull up close next to the car in front of him so you can't get in. sheesh!

if you walk twice as fast as everyone else.

everyone else walks too slow.

if you flash your lights to pass when you are stuck behind a guy only going 80.

well, duh... he needs to get out of my way.

if you honk your horn at the guy in front of you if he doesn't move within 0.1 seconds of the light turning green.

dude needs to stay awake

if your friends from the South are afraid to drive with you.

wusses

if you know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, White, Red, O.B. or Seamus.

doesn't everyone?

if you know where you were when Bucker missed the ball.

we were busy wiping the tears of happiness from our friend paul's eyes

if you don't consider "guys" to be gender specific.

is that a problem?

 

[Missourian]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb_xnCBJoKI]YouTube - RBI World Series Game Six: Remade[/ame]​

 

[DamnYankee]

you know the difference in damnded yankee and fucking yankeee...damn yankee comes down and goes home..fucking yankee comes down and stays...

That ain't no fuckin' yankee.... That a fuckin' moron....

 

[DamnYankee]

You might be a Northerner .....

if you can't talk more than 30 seconds without someone asking, "Where are you from?"
if you have ever gone sledding off your roof.
if you think 60 degreee ocean water is warm.
if there are only 25 letters in the English alphabet.
if you think "barbecue" is a verb meaning to cook outside.
if you use "wicked" as an adverb.
if you have ever driven 70mph....within 6" of the guy in front of you....in a blizzard.... while shaving.
if you can pronounce "Worcestershire Sauce."
if nobody outside of New England can pronounce or spell your hometown. Here's how.
if you have ever beaten someone up for mentioning the year ****.
if you know what year **** is.
if you name your pets after Celtics or Bruin players.
if you learned to ski and ice skate before you learned to walk.
if you have ever prevented someone from getting in front of you on the highway by making it physically impossible to get between you and the guy in front of you.
if you have ever passed on the right (especially as they're entering the highway).
if you have ever used the sidewalk as a passing lane (since it is paved).
if you have ever used someone's front lawn as a passing lane.
if you have a strip mall in your backyard.
if you think 6" of snow is a dusting.
if you get a foot of snow, and still have to go to school.
if you are related to the Mafia.
if when someone is being nice to you leads you to believe they are from out of town or want something from you.
if you think a yellow light means to accelerate.
if you think a red light means to accelerate more.
if you have ever seen an inverted intersection: cars move on red, stop on green.
if you know how to drive in a rotary.
if you think using turn signals is a sign of weakness.
if you "bang a left" the instant the light turns green, cutting off the oncoming traffic.
if you greet people by saying "hihowahya."
if you have to repeat what you say three time, slowing down each successive time, before anyone can understand what you're saying.
if you walk twice as fast as everyone else.
if you flash your lights to pass when you are stuck behind a guy only going 80.
if someone calls you a masshole, and you take it as a compliment.
if the curse of Bambino was taught in public schools instead of the Civil War.
if you think that crossing two or more lanes on a single lane change is "going with the flow."
if your sole aim is to get there as fast as you possibly can while preventing others from doing the same.
if you got yelled at by at least three grown-ups on your street as a little kid for hitting their windshield with a snowball.
if your friends took you to Montreal on your 19th birthday.
if you think church is just a social event.
if you own a snowblower....and have broken it after four blizzards. Snowblowers are for wusses!
if you have ever driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to get beer.
if you root for the Red Sox, but know that they will lose.
if you have ever intentionally forgotten to brush the snow off your car before you went to work.
if you honk your horn at the guy in front of you if he doesn't move within 0.1 seconds of the light turning green.
if your friends from the South are afraid to drive with you.
if the only time you have seen prayer in public schools is when the school board was considering hiring a guy from Virginia to be the new superintendant. (He'll cancel school at the very mention of flurries!)
if you think 6 inches of snow is a dusting.
if you drink water from a bubbler.
if you eat ice cream in the winter to warm up.
if you have ever shoveled after a snowstorm and found a car.
if you don't think 4 feet of snow is an excuse for being late to work.
if you read the entire Wall Street Journal on the way to work.
if you know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, White, Red, O.B. or Seamus.
if you know where you were when Bucker missed the ball.
if you go to the Cape during the summer.
if you think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
if you don't know the meaning of "compromise."
if you have ever skiied down your street before the snow plows got to it.
if you think ketchup is spicy.
if you eat fried chicked with a knife and fork.
if you don't consider "guys" to be gender specific.
if you think "goose bumps" at the beach are normal.
if you think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something).
if you need to have Jeff Foxworthy's jokes explained to you.
if the last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on the highway.
if you define summer as three months of bad skiing.
if you freak out when someone talks to you on the subway.
if you're not afraid to drive on a pond in the winter.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_sU0pAE-fE]YouTube - Welcome To My World - Jim Reeves[/ame]

 

[DamnYankee]

OK, OK, OK... I'm going to go out on a limb here - way out on a limb. Just remember ladies that it's just a stupid joke.

Q: Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?

A: It makes the penis fall off the dumb ones!

That ain't it at all. They're slappin' sense into the receptive ones!

 

[editec]

Given my surname I have probably heard every Polish joke evver invented (not it's not a Polish name, but the Yankees don't know that).

Q: Why won't they let the Polacks swin in Lake Erie?
A. They leave a ring around the breakwall

Q: What wears sheets and rides a pig?
A: Lawrence of Warsaw

Q: Why did all the Blacks originally live in the South and all the Polacks in the North?
A: The South won the coin toss.

Q: What do you call a Polack that marries a gorilla?
A: A social climber

Q: What do get when a Polacks breed with gorillas?
A: Retarded gorillas

Q: Why do Polacks only get a 15 minute lunch break?
A: It's too costly to retrain them, otherwise.

 

[DamnYankee]

Q: Why do Polacks only get a 15 minute lunch break?
A: It's too costly to retrain them, otherwise.


Ohhh.... I like that one.... I could adapt it for any number of anal retentives....

 

[editec]

I don't mind ethnic humor as long as the humor actually fits with the commonly understood ethnic stereotype.

But when the joke ranges outside the stereotype I keep asking myself if the teller is stupid or merely prejudiced.

Here's one of my favorite WASP jokes...

Q: How many White Anglo-Saxon Protestants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to call the building superintendent, and one to mix the martinis.

And one of my favorite Irish jokes

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb
A: "Bugger it, Patty. We'll drink in the dark!"

And one of my favorite New Yorker jokes

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Mind yer own fuckin business!

 

[DamnYankee]

Speaking of lightbulbs....

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

- Only one. Men will screw anything.



How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
- Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
- Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
- Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
- Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to kick the balls of any man who even tries to volunteer his help.