Jokes

[Ringo]

Once Henry Kissinger was asked:
— What is shuttle diplomacy?
Kissinger replied,
—This is a universal jewish method! Let me explain with an example:
You want to use shuttle diplomacy to marry Rockefeller's daughter to a simple guy from a russian village in Siberia.
—How?
— Very simple. I go to a russian village, find a simple guy there and ask:
— Do you want to marry an american jew?
He said to me:
— What the fuck?! We have plenty of girls of our own.
I to him:
- Yeah. But she's a billionaire's daughter!
He:
— Oh! This changes things…
... Then I go to Switzerland, to a meeting of the board of the bank and ask:
— Do you want to have a siberian peasant as president?
— Ew — they tell me in the bank.
— And if he, at the same time, will be Rockefeller's son-in-law?
— Oh! This of course changes things!..
And then I go home to Rockefeller and ask:
— Do you want to have a russian man as a son-in-law?
— What are you saying, everyone in our family is financiers!
I to him:
— But he is the president of the board of the Swiss Bank!
He:
— Oh! It changes things! Susie! Come here. Mr. Kissinger has found you a fiance. He is the president of a Swiss bank!
Suzy:
— Ew… All these financiers are wheezers or faggots!
And I telling her:
- Yes, you are right. But this one is a big siberian mucho guy!
She:
— Oh! This changes things!

 

[App'z]

"Dad I made a girl cry today but I didn't mean to"
"What happened this time." "This Stuff Happens"
"Well she said she likes me a lot",
and then I said, " that's nice" and
then she said "don't you like me?"
"Then I Thought a Bit, thinking about what you said to Mom."
So then i said, " listen your like one of those floating turds
that no matter how many times I flush you just wont go away"

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[whoisit]

A man told me he hadn't had a bite in a week, so I bit him. Corny,huh?

 

[whoisit]

People don't like me till they get to know me, then they hate my guts.

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Ringo]

- Mister, you are a homophobe and an anti-semite!
- How dare you!! My husband is jew!

 

[App'z]

I'm driving Turbos home from one of our farms when
I see a Lady walking on the side of the road.
The Day has been long, hot and the same, & I stop,
ask the woman, " would you like a lift?"
She nods her head & gets into Turbo's.
I pull back onto the highway and resume.
I make small talk with her as Turbos crosses the prairie.
The woman, looks intently at everything we pass,
seemingly to study every detail.
I notice a brown bag on the seat that
she had placed there when she stepped up into Turbos.
"What in bag?" I ask her?
The Lady looks down at the brown bag and says,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
So, I think about what she just said and answer
speaking quietly, "Good trade..." ..........

 

[miketx]

This guy visits a sex worker and has sex. She charged him ten dollars. A week later he finds out he has crabs. Furious, he confronts the sex worker and complains loudly. Damn, she says, what did you expect for ten dollars, lobster?

 

[Ringo]

"Why aren't you married?"
— You know, I want him to be interested not in my body, or my money, but in my soul!
— Do you understand, that you want the Devil?

How to entertain yourself for the new year:
No kids?
Hire a babysitter anyway. Tell her the kids are sleeping in their room and leave.
And when you come, ask her: "Where are the kids!?"

Overdoing it is when the amount of alcohol you drink makes a girl so beautiful, that you feel unworthy of her.

 

[Ringo]

The son asks his parents:
— Why are there so many genders in the world, and there are only two doctors for them — a gynecologist and a urologist?
— Son, the rest are being treated by a psychiatrist!

 

[App'z]

A woman and Lil Johnny are involved in a car accident,
Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, This totally Hot Chick says,
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left
but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be really good friends."
So; Lil Johnny thinking there may be a bright side to this,
replied, "I agree with you completely."
Lil Johnny then hands the Hottie a Bottle and says,
"Look at this, here's another miracle, its not broken.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Lets toast this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the awesomely fab hot Chick and
she nods her head in agreement takes a huge swig from the bottle and
then hands it back to the Lil Johnny. Lil Johnny thinks
on that a bit and says, "lets call Uber and
go to your place while the wreckers tow this junk."

 

[App'z]

A neighbor calls her blonde neighbor and says,
"Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex.
The whole neighborhood was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied, "Well the jokes on all of you because
I wasn't even at home yesterday!"

 

[App'z]

 

[Ringo]

God created people, Samuel Colt made them equal, and Mikhail Kalashnikov increased the distance of equality to 400 meters.

A woman's birthday is better to remember, the year of her birth is better to forget.

When she paints her nails with different colors, it's a game with shades, it's interesting and beautiful. And when I walk in different socks, I'm a stupid fool.

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.
But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

Why do we send the tallest and most beautiful into space, and the aliens send only freaks with green ears to us?

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Leo123]

This moth is depressed and is going around at night talking to himself. He goes into a doctor's office and says "I'm so depressed, my wife hates me, my kids hate me, I lost my job, they're coming after my home......Doc interrupts and says. "That's very sad but I'm and dentist, you need a mental professional, why did you come in there" Moth says: 'The light was on."

 

[Leo123]

Guy is having horrible headaches, goes to the Doc. Doc says 'Your balls are up too high, I'll give you a script to take." Guy takes script for a month, goes back to Doc and says "The headaches are getting worse and worse." Doc says, "unfortunately the only thing we can do now is remove your balls"......Guy says "I am in so much pain it would be worth it, go ahead." Operation complete, headaches go away, the guy is so happy he goes to a tailor and gets a whole new suit of clothes. Tailor says "I've been doing this for 50 years and I can guess your sizes. For instance, your waist is a 36, you sleeve length is 30 and your inseam is 32." Guy says "You're right! That's amazing but I bet you can't guess my underwear size" Tailor says "36." Guy says "You're wrong it's 32!!" Tailor says "That can't be because if it was 32 it would have been pressing on your balls and causing you headache pain!!"

 

[Leo123]

Three elderly women sitting on a bench bragging about their sons' accomplishments. 1st one says: "My son is a famous doctor and just built 2 new hospitals" 2nd woman says: "My son is a real estate developer and just built the largest high rise in the city." 3rd one says: "Well my son is gay and doesn't work at all." Other two say: 'What does he do then" 3rd one says "Oh he lives in a high rise with a real estate developer and a famous doctor."

 

[Ringo]

The man, who decided to get married and thought for a long time which of the three
girls in love with him to marry. He decided to give each
of them $5,000 and find out how they would dispose of them.

The first one bought expensive clothes, the best cosmetics, went
to an elite beauty salon - in general, she did everything to look
perfect, and said: `I love you very much and I want everyone to know
that you have the most beautiful wife in town.`

The second spent all the money on her potential husband,
buying him new suits, shirts, tools for the car,
and she said: `You are the most important thing to me, so I spent
all my money on you.`

The third put $ 5,000 into circulation, earned another $ 5,000 and
returned everything to the man: `I love you very much. I did it so
that you would understand that I am smart and not wasteful.`

The man thought hard about all that -
and married the one with bigger breasts.