Jokes

[Ropey]

Shakespeare was making 'your mom jokes' ever so long ago...

Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?"

Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo."

Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother."

Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."

 

[App'z]

Today Lil Johnny is sitting on the park bench and
he's eating Snicker candy bars one after the other.
An old man's watching him, and is compelled to say something,
so he walks over to Lil Johnny, and asks,
"Son, what the hell are you doing eating candy bar
after candy bar? Don't you know that will make you sick???"
Well; Lil Johnny finishes the last bite of his Snickers and
looks over to the old man and says,
"Sir, do you know what my daddy did when
he was my age and he's lived a long time..."
The old man replies, "Did he eat candy bars like that, too?"
Lil Johnny replies, "Nope, he minded his own business..."

 

[Muhammed]

A sad horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says hey buddy, why the long face?

 

[Ringo]

Old age, girls, is when you take the batteries out of the vibrator to insert them into the blood-pressure cuff...

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[App'z]

A Blonde is very upset at people stereotyping blondes,
so she organises a blonde convention.
Over 50,000 blondes attend.​

The leader stands on a stage and says,
"We blondes have always been misrepresented by
the media and are always stereotyped as dumb.
We are here today to prove blondes.
Aren't dumb! Now are there any Volunteers?"
Blonds file in a long line up onto the stage.
"What is ten divided by two?"
The 1'st volunteer replies, "Two."
The leader is dismayed but the crowd cheers, "Another chance!"
The second volunteer is asked the same question.
The blonde replies, "T-ten?"
The crowd shouts, "Another chance!"
The third Blond standing on stage thinks.
& After three minutes of thought,
she correctly replies, "Five."
The crowd shouts, "Another chance!"

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

The young and really Hot young blond wife of an Arab goes to the Dr.
Dr. Lil Johnny ask her, "what symptoms are you having?"
The Hottie says, "Hi doc. I've got a pain in my butt; can you help me?"
Dr. Lil Johnny says, "Lets run some tests," Privately thinking, on your sweet Ass.
So, a few days later all the tests are complete and the Sweet Ass Blond returns.
Dr. Lil Johnny admires the Blond Hottie, this time wearing Skintight clothes and says,
"Let's figure this out. Exactly where does it hurt?"
The Blond, in the hottest, sexy skin leggings and shortest mini says, "The Pain is at the entrance!"
Dr. Lil Johnny studies the charts, the physical exam for some length of time. Finally, he says,
"Well, as long as you think of it as the entrance of your Ass,
instead of the Exit your pain will probably continue! .....

 

[Jim H - VA USA]

 

[Votto]

I have had the worst luck with jobs.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor and the muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as a barber and I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. I got fired from the cannon factory. I had a paper shop but that folded. I just couldn’t see any future as a historian and being a plumber was just too draining.

 

[Votto]

Never marry a English teacher

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Yea, yea, I know, AN English teacher.

 

[Votto]

I just quit my job at the helium factory.

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

 

[Votto]

What do you give a cannibal who’s late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.

 

[Votto]

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.
It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

 

[Votto]

The Flat Earth Society reported a big membership total.
Said they got members all over the globe...

 

[Ringo]

- Professor, how are my wife's tests going?
- Your wife is pregnant.
- That's impossible! I was careful!
- It's like on the road. You're careful but others aren't.

 

[Ringo]

The Romans could have crucified the rebel and robber Barrabbas, but they executed the only one who knew how to turn water into wine.
One of two things: either they were fucking stupid assholes, or there was already a strong alcoholic lobby in Judea at the time.

 

[Ringo]

The most dangerous job on Earth.
There is an occupational group in the world for which the officially recorded death rate due to and during their official duties is almost 9%.
These are the presidents of the United States.

 

[App'z]

 

[App'z]

I tried to work from home but could never get there on time.