Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
One must understand the psychology of Sasquatch if he or she is going to be successful in hunting and killing them. First, when you pursue them you must remember that you are entering their home. This places you at an immediate disadvantage. Second, these creatures are intelligent and very perceptive. They are the masters of their universe.
When it comes to liquidating one of these things, experience dictates the truism that if you get a shot, you have only a split second to execute it. Thus, you have to be ready, both for that moment - to recognize it and to act - and be able to execute effective bullet placement. There are many elements to killing a Bigfoot, and your hunt is only as effective as its weakest link.
One must also consider that these critters are very curious. This sets them apart from many of its fellow woodland creatures. However, this attribute can be used against these monsters with extreme and beautify prejudice. It is their Achilles heel. One may manipulate their curiosity to lure them into range for a kill shot. But again, they are very intelligent and perceptive. If you get a shot, you have to take it quickly. Any hesitation will blow your opportunity to take the animal. The animal WILL make you, and it will happen before you know it! You are essentially in the living room of this hyper-perceptive beast. You simply do not have time to find the Bigfoot in your rifle optic, wait for the cleanest shot, and then pull the trigger. These are not deer. They are wild man-like, stone cold killers. Govern yourselves accordingly.
With that said, there is a tactic I have learned that will cause the Sasquatch to pause just a bit longer so you can get the shot off. I have been actively pursuing this creature for nearly 50 years. See, I first became aware of them when I was 3 years old when I happened to look up from my Lego’s and look at the television during one of Leonard Nimoy’s discussions about Sasquatch on an episode of “In Search Of”. I was immediately hooked. I decided right then and there that I would make it my life's purpose to whack these monsters and sell their corpses to the highest bidders. I immediately hit the woods!
I have managed to bring down exactly 72 Bigfoot (along with 11 Dogman, 5 Wendigo, 32 “little people”, and 17 Hobgoblins) over the course of my career. I have probably maimed as many Bigfoot as I have killed. It was all due to hard work studying and pursuing them. I have returned from the woods skunked countless times. I have also “come close” to the shot only to have it pass without a shot fired far more times than I like to admit. I have my tricks and tactics I have developed and perfected over the years, but all of them came via trial and error, and some came at dire costs to myself and those around me. But I digress.
Obviously, a hunter must conceal his electromagnetic aura when in the woods. That is the first thing to give you away (assuming you are quiet, motionless, and scentless). I have created a contraption for this purpose that shields my aura from the bigfoot (and everything else). This is sasquatch-specific camouflage. You do not have to hide your electromagnetic field from most of the prey you will pursue. But you still have to get the animal close to you AND have it stand still for the slight moment you need to send a bullet down range and into its prehistoric cranial cavity.
At this point I am going to get to the heart of the matter. In addition to baiting it in and being set up correctly (I.e., the bait-to-kill-box configuration), you should effectuate a plan to cause confusion in the Bigfoot's mind. That is, something to give it pause, if only briefly. This extra little moment is all the time a good rifleman will need to place a bullet on target; i.e., the kill shot.
This technique came to me one night when I was at a titty bar called “The Bang Box”. I lured a hot Latino chick named Alexandria into a back room (the “Gentleman’s Lounge”) with a bag of blow. After some passionate kissing on the couch, I stood up and pulled out my wang. “THUD!!” was the sound my Johnson made with it hit the floor. Alexandria was floored at the sight of my healthy tallywacker. She sat motionless for a moment in awe of its dinosauric size and immense girth. Then we got busy.
Later on, while relaxing in my jail cell, I thought to myself, “I wish I could make a Sasquatch dumbstruck like that, like I did to that Bimbo stripper when I showed her my Hawg leg, just for a moment.” If I could, then I could up my game and have more kill shots on target. Then I thought to myself, “Why the hell not?!?” Once I got home and sobered up I immediately got to work on this idea.
My first attempt was exposing my huge whooping stick to the Bigfoot. This failed miserably. The big hairy critter just laughed at me and then showed me his huge hairy sasquatch rod, which dwarved even my mega fuck stick. I knew I had to take another tact.
I tried several more things. It took a long time, but eventually I happened onto a winner. I will explain how it happened.
See, I had this new idea and was eager to try it out. But I would need help. I contacted two of my employees, Tyrone and Tron, both good boys from the hood who worked for me. I asked them, “Ya’ll boys wanna go sasquatch hunting with me?” At first they were not too eager to be alone in the woods with a pickup truck driving white man carrying a gun. But when I offered to pay them time-and-a-half they jumped at the chance. "Dat be like 2 hole paycheks at once!!", cried Tron. So off we went.
We drove to the woods and then headed off on foot to one of my prime spots I call “Murder Ridge”. I got to tell you, I had a heck of a time keeping Tyrone and Tron quiet during our sojourn. I had to take away their ear buds and keep telling them to shut the fuck up. Fortunately, I remembered my electric cattle prod.
Once on location, I set up a fake campsite, complete with a campfire and tent. Then I cooked up some bacon, so the odor attracts the Bigfoot. It would catch a whiff of the bacon frying, then show up at what it thinks is a campsite looking for food. Then it would do its regular Bigfoot shit of stalking around the area like a demented asshole. I was to be 100 yards down range, high in a tree, with my Barrett semi-auto .50 BMG. I put Tron in the tent with a walking talkie, and I had Tyrone, also with a hand-held radio, and put him behind a big old red oak with strict instructions to stay hidden until I gave him the word to jump out and yell “BOO!!” at the Bigfoot.
Three hours later, as I was set up in my tree, I heard an approaching bi-pedal creature. By the sound of the heavy footfalls and loud, labored breathing, I knew it was the Sasquatch I was after. I had not told Tyrone and Tron about this specific critter; I.e., that it was the area alpha male, it had major anger issues, and was very violent. The beast had earned its nickname “Satan”. I figured if I told those two clowns, Tron and Tyrone, they would pussy out on me. Then they would miss out on this unique opportunity.
Satan came crashing into the camp with reckless abandon. This was bad, as it indicated it was wanting to go on yet another murderous rampage, killing every camper it saw. I radioed Tyrone in the tent. Nothing. I continued trying to get him, but he would not respond. “That sorry sumbitch done fell asleep on me!”, I muttered under my breath.
I then radioed Tron. “Yeah, I hear it, Rod! What da fuck is dat thang?!?”, he said. I told him to maintain his position. About that time the tent door opened and that sorry fucker, Tyrone, came ambling out of the tent, yawning and stretching from his little nap. The Sasquatch was standing right there next to him. Tyrone was completely unaware of it until it let out a ferocious growl.
Tyrone’s eyes became as big as saucers. He was clearly paralyzed in fear. The Sasquatch was growling and baring its teeth. Tyrone was a goner for sure!! Then it happened.
The monster’s expression changed. It closed its mouth and cocked its head sideways, looking at Tyrone. Then the Bigfoot raised its right hand and scratched its head, suggesting it did not know what to make of Tyrone. Something about Tyrone perplexed and confused the big monster.
I thought to myself, “YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!! It works!!! It fucking works!!!!”
See, these critters are used to seeing us white folks in the woods. But none of them have ever seen a black guy!! Right now that hulking hairy bastard was trying to figure out why Tyrone’s skin is black. It’s probably thinking he caught on fire or something.
Then it was over. The Bigfoot growled, grabbed Tyrone by his head, and then ripped poor Tyrone’s head clean off!!! “Goddamnit!!!”, I said to myself. Now I am going to have to hire someone to replace Tyrone at work!! FUCK!!!”
Tyrone’s body crumpled to the forest floor. It then occurred to me that I had missed the shot. Yes, my theory was sound. It worked like a charm! But I was so happy with my discovery that I forgot to take the shot. Oh well, I still had Tron in place.
I radioed to Tron to get ready, it was about his time. “Oh, I don’t knowd bout that, Mista Rod!! That sumbitch, he sounds SCARY!!” I told him to man-up and hold his position. Satan was busy shredding the camp to pieces. I knew I had to draw it closer to Tron, who now was directly between me and the monster. This time I would be ready to take the shot.
I yelled at Satan to get him moving toward me (and Tron). “HEY, COME HERE, MOTHERFUCKER, AND GET SOME!!”, I yelled. It looked in my direction. “YEAH, OVER HERE, YOU GODDAMN OVERGROWN MUPPET!!”, I yelled again. Satan grew agitated and charged.
As it neared the red oak I gave Tron the order, “NOW!!!” Tron jumped out from behind the large tree and yelled “BOO!!” He was standing no more than 3 feet from the infernal forest beast!!
Well sir, Tron gave that fucker a real fright!! The Sasquatch, scared shitless by Tron jumping out at him, shrieked and fell backward onto his ass!! It was pretty damn funny, honestly, but I knew I had to take the shot. I raised my rifle and took aim through my night vision optic.
The creature was huge, and it was still sitting on its ass. Yet, its head was as high as Tron’s head with the latter still on his feet (and paralyzed in fear). The problem was that I could not see the Sasquatch’s head because Tron’s head was in the way. The huge monster was recovering from its fright and would soon be on its feet, where it will rip Tron into shreds. I could not let such a horrific fate befall poor Tron. There was only one thing I could do.
“BOOM!!!!!” The report of that fiddy cal was damn near deafening!! Tron’s head blew apart like a watermelon, throwing all manner of blood, brain, and skull fragments right into Satan’s face. It was not lethal to the monster, but the obvious distraction gave me enough time to squeeze off a couple more shots. “BOOM!!!! BOOM!!!!!”
That sumbitch fell over dead!! Fortunately it was a nomad, most likely kicked out of area Bigfoot clans for being the huge psycho prick that he was. In any other scenario one would have to worry about the clan taking vengeance on you for killing one of their own.
I gutted that sumbitch Sasquatch and packed him out of there. I was quite pleased with myself for developing this successful tactic. I use it all the time now, almost always with success!
So, as you see, by creating temporary, but acute, confusion in the mind of the Sasquatch, you are able to create for yourself just enough time to place a kill shot on the monster. Time is of the essence in Sasquatching. This one little tactic makes all the difference in the world!!
When it comes to liquidating one of these things, experience dictates the truism that if you get a shot, you have only a split second to execute it. Thus, you have to be ready, both for that moment - to recognize it and to act - and be able to execute effective bullet placement. There are many elements to killing a Bigfoot, and your hunt is only as effective as its weakest link.
One must also consider that these critters are very curious. This sets them apart from many of its fellow woodland creatures. However, this attribute can be used against these monsters with extreme and beautify prejudice. It is their Achilles heel. One may manipulate their curiosity to lure them into range for a kill shot. But again, they are very intelligent and perceptive. If you get a shot, you have to take it quickly. Any hesitation will blow your opportunity to take the animal. The animal WILL make you, and it will happen before you know it! You are essentially in the living room of this hyper-perceptive beast. You simply do not have time to find the Bigfoot in your rifle optic, wait for the cleanest shot, and then pull the trigger. These are not deer. They are wild man-like, stone cold killers. Govern yourselves accordingly.
With that said, there is a tactic I have learned that will cause the Sasquatch to pause just a bit longer so you can get the shot off. I have been actively pursuing this creature for nearly 50 years. See, I first became aware of them when I was 3 years old when I happened to look up from my Lego’s and look at the television during one of Leonard Nimoy’s discussions about Sasquatch on an episode of “In Search Of”. I was immediately hooked. I decided right then and there that I would make it my life's purpose to whack these monsters and sell their corpses to the highest bidders. I immediately hit the woods!
I have managed to bring down exactly 72 Bigfoot (along with 11 Dogman, 5 Wendigo, 32 “little people”, and 17 Hobgoblins) over the course of my career. I have probably maimed as many Bigfoot as I have killed. It was all due to hard work studying and pursuing them. I have returned from the woods skunked countless times. I have also “come close” to the shot only to have it pass without a shot fired far more times than I like to admit. I have my tricks and tactics I have developed and perfected over the years, but all of them came via trial and error, and some came at dire costs to myself and those around me. But I digress.
Obviously, a hunter must conceal his electromagnetic aura when in the woods. That is the first thing to give you away (assuming you are quiet, motionless, and scentless). I have created a contraption for this purpose that shields my aura from the bigfoot (and everything else). This is sasquatch-specific camouflage. You do not have to hide your electromagnetic field from most of the prey you will pursue. But you still have to get the animal close to you AND have it stand still for the slight moment you need to send a bullet down range and into its prehistoric cranial cavity.
At this point I am going to get to the heart of the matter. In addition to baiting it in and being set up correctly (I.e., the bait-to-kill-box configuration), you should effectuate a plan to cause confusion in the Bigfoot's mind. That is, something to give it pause, if only briefly. This extra little moment is all the time a good rifleman will need to place a bullet on target; i.e., the kill shot.
This technique came to me one night when I was at a titty bar called “The Bang Box”. I lured a hot Latino chick named Alexandria into a back room (the “Gentleman’s Lounge”) with a bag of blow. After some passionate kissing on the couch, I stood up and pulled out my wang. “THUD!!” was the sound my Johnson made with it hit the floor. Alexandria was floored at the sight of my healthy tallywacker. She sat motionless for a moment in awe of its dinosauric size and immense girth. Then we got busy.
Later on, while relaxing in my jail cell, I thought to myself, “I wish I could make a Sasquatch dumbstruck like that, like I did to that Bimbo stripper when I showed her my Hawg leg, just for a moment.” If I could, then I could up my game and have more kill shots on target. Then I thought to myself, “Why the hell not?!?” Once I got home and sobered up I immediately got to work on this idea.
My first attempt was exposing my huge whooping stick to the Bigfoot. This failed miserably. The big hairy critter just laughed at me and then showed me his huge hairy sasquatch rod, which dwarved even my mega fuck stick. I knew I had to take another tact.
I tried several more things. It took a long time, but eventually I happened onto a winner. I will explain how it happened.
See, I had this new idea and was eager to try it out. But I would need help. I contacted two of my employees, Tyrone and Tron, both good boys from the hood who worked for me. I asked them, “Ya’ll boys wanna go sasquatch hunting with me?” At first they were not too eager to be alone in the woods with a pickup truck driving white man carrying a gun. But when I offered to pay them time-and-a-half they jumped at the chance. "Dat be like 2 hole paycheks at once!!", cried Tron. So off we went.
We drove to the woods and then headed off on foot to one of my prime spots I call “Murder Ridge”. I got to tell you, I had a heck of a time keeping Tyrone and Tron quiet during our sojourn. I had to take away their ear buds and keep telling them to shut the fuck up. Fortunately, I remembered my electric cattle prod.
Once on location, I set up a fake campsite, complete with a campfire and tent. Then I cooked up some bacon, so the odor attracts the Bigfoot. It would catch a whiff of the bacon frying, then show up at what it thinks is a campsite looking for food. Then it would do its regular Bigfoot shit of stalking around the area like a demented asshole. I was to be 100 yards down range, high in a tree, with my Barrett semi-auto .50 BMG. I put Tron in the tent with a walking talkie, and I had Tyrone, also with a hand-held radio, and put him behind a big old red oak with strict instructions to stay hidden until I gave him the word to jump out and yell “BOO!!” at the Bigfoot.
Three hours later, as I was set up in my tree, I heard an approaching bi-pedal creature. By the sound of the heavy footfalls and loud, labored breathing, I knew it was the Sasquatch I was after. I had not told Tyrone and Tron about this specific critter; I.e., that it was the area alpha male, it had major anger issues, and was very violent. The beast had earned its nickname “Satan”. I figured if I told those two clowns, Tron and Tyrone, they would pussy out on me. Then they would miss out on this unique opportunity.
Satan came crashing into the camp with reckless abandon. This was bad, as it indicated it was wanting to go on yet another murderous rampage, killing every camper it saw. I radioed Tyrone in the tent. Nothing. I continued trying to get him, but he would not respond. “That sorry sumbitch done fell asleep on me!”, I muttered under my breath.
I then radioed Tron. “Yeah, I hear it, Rod! What da fuck is dat thang?!?”, he said. I told him to maintain his position. About that time the tent door opened and that sorry fucker, Tyrone, came ambling out of the tent, yawning and stretching from his little nap. The Sasquatch was standing right there next to him. Tyrone was completely unaware of it until it let out a ferocious growl.
Tyrone’s eyes became as big as saucers. He was clearly paralyzed in fear. The Sasquatch was growling and baring its teeth. Tyrone was a goner for sure!! Then it happened.
The monster’s expression changed. It closed its mouth and cocked its head sideways, looking at Tyrone. Then the Bigfoot raised its right hand and scratched its head, suggesting it did not know what to make of Tyrone. Something about Tyrone perplexed and confused the big monster.
I thought to myself, “YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!! It works!!! It fucking works!!!!”
See, these critters are used to seeing us white folks in the woods. But none of them have ever seen a black guy!! Right now that hulking hairy bastard was trying to figure out why Tyrone’s skin is black. It’s probably thinking he caught on fire or something.
Then it was over. The Bigfoot growled, grabbed Tyrone by his head, and then ripped poor Tyrone’s head clean off!!! “Goddamnit!!!”, I said to myself. Now I am going to have to hire someone to replace Tyrone at work!! FUCK!!!”
Tyrone’s body crumpled to the forest floor. It then occurred to me that I had missed the shot. Yes, my theory was sound. It worked like a charm! But I was so happy with my discovery that I forgot to take the shot. Oh well, I still had Tron in place.
I radioed to Tron to get ready, it was about his time. “Oh, I don’t knowd bout that, Mista Rod!! That sumbitch, he sounds SCARY!!” I told him to man-up and hold his position. Satan was busy shredding the camp to pieces. I knew I had to draw it closer to Tron, who now was directly between me and the monster. This time I would be ready to take the shot.
I yelled at Satan to get him moving toward me (and Tron). “HEY, COME HERE, MOTHERFUCKER, AND GET SOME!!”, I yelled. It looked in my direction. “YEAH, OVER HERE, YOU GODDAMN OVERGROWN MUPPET!!”, I yelled again. Satan grew agitated and charged.
As it neared the red oak I gave Tron the order, “NOW!!!” Tron jumped out from behind the large tree and yelled “BOO!!” He was standing no more than 3 feet from the infernal forest beast!!
Well sir, Tron gave that fucker a real fright!! The Sasquatch, scared shitless by Tron jumping out at him, shrieked and fell backward onto his ass!! It was pretty damn funny, honestly, but I knew I had to take the shot. I raised my rifle and took aim through my night vision optic.
The creature was huge, and it was still sitting on its ass. Yet, its head was as high as Tron’s head with the latter still on his feet (and paralyzed in fear). The problem was that I could not see the Sasquatch’s head because Tron’s head was in the way. The huge monster was recovering from its fright and would soon be on its feet, where it will rip Tron into shreds. I could not let such a horrific fate befall poor Tron. There was only one thing I could do.
“BOOM!!!!!” The report of that fiddy cal was damn near deafening!! Tron’s head blew apart like a watermelon, throwing all manner of blood, brain, and skull fragments right into Satan’s face. It was not lethal to the monster, but the obvious distraction gave me enough time to squeeze off a couple more shots. “BOOM!!!! BOOM!!!!!”
That sumbitch fell over dead!! Fortunately it was a nomad, most likely kicked out of area Bigfoot clans for being the huge psycho prick that he was. In any other scenario one would have to worry about the clan taking vengeance on you for killing one of their own.
I gutted that sumbitch Sasquatch and packed him out of there. I was quite pleased with myself for developing this successful tactic. I use it all the time now, almost always with success!
So, as you see, by creating temporary, but acute, confusion in the mind of the Sasquatch, you are able to create for yourself just enough time to place a kill shot on the monster. Time is of the essence in Sasquatching. This one little tactic makes all the difference in the world!!
