Alpha1
NAVY
- Jun 3, 2007
- 1,719
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For those that dont know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
Invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. Thats how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Qs and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or
imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasnt fair to
make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends todays lesson in world history:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
Invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. Thats how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Qs and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or
imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasnt fair to
make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide
what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends todays lesson in world history:
