fuzzykitten99
VIP Member
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy." "No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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Dear Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating . Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. Since you became a New York senator you don't need him anymore.
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Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.
Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?
A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.
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"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." --David Letterman
"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." --Jay Leno
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." Jay Leno
"The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno
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i'll post more as i find them...
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
------
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Bill Clinton was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Democrat gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
------
Dear Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating . Also since he lost his job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV, while I work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. Since you became a New York senator you don't need him anymore.
-------
Q: How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: At least four. One to unscrew the old lightbulb. One to simultaneously announce his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb. One to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.
Q: Why did John Kerry cross the road?
A: He didn't cross the road. He crossed to the middle to demonstrate his grasp of the nuances and subtleties involved in crossing the road, and was still explaining them to the New York Times reporter when the logging truck hit him.
-------
"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." --David Letterman
"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." --Jay Leno
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." Jay Leno
"The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno
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i'll post more as i find them...
