Funny stories

Ringo

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Jun 14, 2021
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Over there
This story happened to my school friend Alexey. It happened in Russia in the 90s, when there was no order at railway stations and airports. Alexey calmly waited for the transfer in the waiting room. It wasn't long to wait - 18 hours. He was entertaining himself as best he could - he was going to re-read the masterpiece of literary thought from the series "I am a thief in law" for the second time, when suddenly he saw how gypsies were deceiving another fellow traveler.
Alexey came closer to this company and he could hear snatches of phrases: "you have a deadly curse on you!", "you need to take it off urgently", "everyone will die", "it needs money or gold". It was obvious that the poor man was under hypnosis, the most talkative gypsy was running a feather over his face and mumbling something. The remaining 5-6 created the background. The man reached for his wallet. Alexey imagined himself without money in another city and rushed to defend the man.
- Fellow Gypsies, the guy is with me, it's time for us to go, - he took the unfortunate fellow under hypnosis by the elbow and led him aside. Immediately he felt himself being dragged away by the neck. He turned around, behind him stood a big gypsy fellow with golden teeth. They hissed at him through his teeth.
- Go where you were going. I'll stab you!
Alexey didn't want to be stabbed in another city, and he walked away. Meanwhile, the man was giving the gypsies a gold wedding ring and a watch. A sense of justice boiled up in Alexey. He felt in his jacket pocket for the chalk, that he had left after drawing on the asphalt with his niece. Resolutely approached the crowd. He sat down at the feet of the man. As in Gogol's "Vii", he outlined a circle, inside which he and the man turned out to be. He raised his hands up and started yelling like a madman:
- Anon edhelen edro hi amen! Fenos nogosrim, lasto beh lamen!
The fact is that Alexey was very fond of Tolkien's "The Lord of the Ring". He had memorized this spell of Gandalf for some reason. It meant "Elven Gate, open for us now; the door of the dwarf people, heed my word!". Alexey bowed and shouted the spell over and over again. Not only dwarves, but also gypsies listened to His word. Nervous, they began to cross themselves and leave one by one. Alexey saw the same gypsy fellow with golden teeth. He looked angrily at Alexey and muttered something sternly. Alexey remembered his favorite scene - "the battle of Gandalf with the Balrog", a demonic creature, and, looking into the face of the enemy, yelled at the whole station:
- I am the servant of the secret fire, the keeper of the flame of Anor,
Dark fire won't help you, Udun flame!
Go back into the darkness, you won't get through!
The gypsy's face turned white. He fell to his knees. Then he began to take out gold jewelry from his pockets and put it in a circle of chalk. Alexey couldn't stop and yelled in a frenzy:
- Go back to the darkness, you will not pass!
The poor gypsy began to cry:
- I don't have anything else! I have teeth, but I need some time.
Alexey didn't stop:
- I am a servant of the secret fire!
The gypsy was crying:
- I have a family. I'm scared! Police, help! They're killing me! - then he quickly got up and ran away.
In the end, two people remained at the entrance to the railway station. Alexey got up, dusted off his pants, and said to the man:
- Here take it, it's yours. Well, be healthy, don't get involved anymore!
The man looked at him with dazed eyes.
- How much do I owe you for the ritual of removing the curse?
***
When my children ask me "Dad, well, why read? Boring! You can watch TV and YouTube, " I always remember Alexey and that gypsy with golden teeth, smile and answer with the words of Felicia Janlis:
- Those who read books will always control those who watch TV.
(c)
 
A neighbor's dialogue with a friend.
- Acid was spilled in the middle of the hall, it burned a solid hole in the linoleum. Naturally, it is necessary to change all the linoleum in the room. And my husband was saving up money for a f***ing boat motor, he was saving long time, and instead of replacing the entire coating, he offered to carefully trim and replace only the damaged piece, there is somewhere 12 by 15 inches.
I was surprised, the linoleum is very old, this has not been produced for a long time, but he assured me, that he knows a place where you can get one.
A couple of days later, when I came home from work, I saw a patch glued in. Amazingly, the linoleum in it turned out to be just like ours.
"And then you found out where he got it?"
- Yes, I found out.
"Did he say so himself?"
- No. I did the general cleaning, pushed the sofa away and found this place.
 
In the Netherlands, the possibility of introducing a fine for wearing a hijab in public places has been discussed for several years. I was pleased with a cartoon in a local newspaper - two Muslim women, one in a regular hijab, the other with a tourist tent on her head and an explanation: "The penalty for pitching a tent in the wrong place is 20 euros less than for wearing a burqa."
Nevertheless, the figures wrapped up to the eyes (local children call them Zorro), and sometimes with eyes in black, seem to become more and more every year. My little daughter, seeing such a ghost for the first time in a local mall, looked at it for a long time with her mouth open in amazement.
When he got home, the child first took a large bath towel out of the closet and threw it over his head, then spent the whole evening thoughtfully wandering around the living room in this form, bumping into furniture (for which I respect my daughter, this is for the desire to first understand everything on their own, and only then ask adults). Then she sat down in a corner and thought long and hard about something - even the creaking of gears in her little head could be heard.
Without thinking of anything, the little girl finally asked us: "Is that woman was very ugly?"
Only a woman could come up with such an explanation!
 
One day an old tired dog came into my yard. Judging by the collar and fattened belly, he had a home and was well taken care of. The dog calmly approached me, and I patted him on the back of the neck. He trotted after me and entered the house. He slowly crossed the hallway, curled up in the corner of the living room and fell asleep. An hour later he got up and went to the door. I let him out.
The next day he was in my yard again, "greeted" me, came back into the house, took the same corner in the living room and again slept for about an hour. This went on for several weeks in a row. I was curious, and I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to know who is the owner of this wonderful cute dog, and do you know that almost every day he comes to my house to sleep?"
The next day the dog came with another note pinned to the collar:
"He lives in a house with six children, and two of them are not even three years old.
He's just trying to get some sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow too?"
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