"The United Nations says we're the best country in which to live in the world!" Actually, the United Nations says that the US, and SIX OTHER COUNTRIES ARE BETTER THAN YOU! "But, but, but, but, we USED to be the best!" Living in the past doesn't make you any less WRONG!
"You Americans are all illiterate." The US and Canada both have 97% literacy rates.
"Yeah well... At least we don't have GUNS like you!" Get ready to be conquered. Actually, to say there are NO guns in the hands of Canadian civilians is naive and dishonest. There are 1.4 MILLION registered gun owners in Canada, and about 667 thousand unregistered gun owners are protesting by REFUSING to register, even after the government waived the registration fee. 2 Million is about equal to the total populations of Detroit, Washington DC and Saint Louis combined; three of America's bloodiest cities. The article that I linked to says, "The law does little to curb gun use by criminals, and criminals are obtaining firearms easily illegally, or in some instances legally." Unregistered guns are harder to track, so have fun trying to run down the criminals who DO have them, and do USE them on Canadian civilians and cops. No serial numbers, no ballistics tests... Have fun with that little forensics nightmare.
"Americans are fat." So are you. 47.9% of Canadians are overweight, and that statistic is gradually rising. In Prince Edward Island 59% of people are fat. McDonalds is the most popular restaurant in Canada by a long stretch with three million customers a day. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Since your beef has Mad Cow Disease (the only cases found in North American livestock in over ten years, and guess where the last cases were before that? CANADA!), McDonalds Canada gets its beef from the US. May we help the next customer, please?
"We burned down the White House during the War of 1812!" Check that date again? That's right. You haven't found anything else to shove in our faces in nearly TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS. And let's get something straight. It wasn't EVEN the Canadians that burned the White House. It was the British. The Canadians fought alongside the British in the War of 1812, but it wasn't them who burned the White House. If you look anywhere online (other than an Anti-USA Canadian comebacks page) it ALWAYS says the British did it. And NO, being a British Colony doesn't make you British. As you're so fond of reminding the whole world every chance you get, "I am Canadian, Eh!" So, Canadian, no bragging rights for British accomplishments. That's like someone winning the Nobel Prize and having his CAT take credit for it. While you're digesting the fact that you can't take credit for burning down A particular building, consider the fact that WE BURNED THE WHOLE CITY OF TORONTO FIRST (York). The British burned Washington, including the White House later.
"We get better grades in school than you dumb Americans!" That could be, in part, because the Canadian grading scale makes it MUCH EASIER to pass. In the US, a 64% or below is an F. In Canada, a 49% and below is an F. In Canada, a 60%, which will fail you in the US, will get you a C+. An 80%, which is a C in the US, is an A- in Canada. This explains a lot when I think about the quality of hatemail I get.
"We invented Hockey!" BZZZZZZZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZT! Hockey was invented in Europe. Field hockey was played over 500 years ago in several European countries, and in the winter it was played on frozen ponds. It was later brought to North America by British troops. Woo-woo! You invented the Zamboni. If Europe didn't invent hockey first, would you have even bothered?
"We invented Basketball!" Actually the Mayans invented Basketball over 1000 years ago. In their version of the game, the losers were BEHEADED. I am, of course, completely in favor of reviving this tradition in basketball. It would make it a far more honorable game than the cocaine-snorting hooker-fucking steroid-shooting money-grubbing shoe-endorsing crap that it has become, and no doubt, the TV ratings would eclipse the second coming of Christ at Britney Spears' live nude Half-time Show at the Superbowl where she has steamy lesbian sex with her own clone.
"We invented Baseball!" Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. You invented the padded baseball GLOVE. Using your logic, Professional Skateboarder Mike McGill did the first aerial 540 on a skateboard. Hence, Mike McGill invented the skateboard.
"We invented Five Pin Bowling!" Just because you couldn't afford all ten pins doesn't mean you INVENTED something.
"We invented Lacrosse!" If, by "invented," you mean "Stole from the Native Americans, who had been playing it for centuries before Europeans ever set foot in North America," then, sure! I guess you DID "invent" it.
"We invented Velcro!" NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It was invented by a Swiss guy named George de Mestral. Yes, yes. Of course, I'm sure Canadians invented the wheel, the internal combustion engine, the microchip, fire, the everlasting gobstopper, the sun, the moon and the stars.
"We invented the Telephone! Bell lived in Ontario in 1874 when he invented it." Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, then moved to England, and later lived in Canada for LESS THAN ONE YEAR before moving to Boston - IN 1871. He was living in Boston for three whole years before the date that Canadians claim he invented the telephone in Canada. But let's slow down for a second. Bell DIDN'T INVENT the TELEPHONE. He merely STOLE the designs of Antonio Meucci, who was from Florence, Italy and invented the first telephone while living in Havana, Cuba in 1849. So BZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!
"We invented Cable TV!" NOPE It was invented in 1948 in Johnstown, Pennsylvania by John Walson to get TV to secluded houses in the mountains. Did the CBC tell you Cable was invented in Canada or something? Read 1984, please.
"We invented the ZIPPER!" So this is what it all boils down to. No wonder you're so proud. I definitely wouldn't want to live in a non-zipper inventing country. I mean... A guy's got to have standards, right? Oh! But Wait! I DO live in a zipper inventing country! The zipper was invented by the inventor of the sewing machine, Elias Howe, who was from Massachusetts, and it was further developed by Whitcomb Judson who was from Chicago. It was improved later by a Swede named Gideon Sundback. Oh well. I guess that's another Canadian claim to fame tossed in the fire.
"We invented Penicillin!" BZZZZT! BZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZT! Sir Alexander Fleming was from the UK. Seriously.... why are you all such pathological liars? Do you think that telling people that your country invented the first antibiotic will help you score or something? Don't you have any REAL accomplishments? "Uhhh. Yes, we do! And uhh.... I drive a Porsche and I'm a Millionaire!"
"We invented/accomplished <insert thing that Canadians supposedly invented/accomplished>" The US has the highest number of Nobel Prize winners of any country in the world; TWENTY SEVEN TIMES the number of Nobel Prize winners from Canada.
"The whole world LOVES Canada and HATES the US!" I guess that's why the whole world, including Canada, imitates our pop culture, and we have more immigrants than any other country in the world. We're also the second most visited country in the world. Canada is the ninth.
"Canada is sixth in the world for most Olympic Medals, despite having a population of only 30 million." I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to impress people with accomplishments at the world's biggest Credit Card Commercial, but uhh.. you're lying about how good you are at it. Canada isn't even in the top ten.
"When Americans go abroad, they sew Canadian flags on their bags so people will love them and rub on them!" How can you simultaneously play both the "Americans are arrogant assholes" and "Americans will disavow their nationality at the slightest sign of disapproval" cards? I've asked around and everyone who's not Canadian thinks that's insane and preposterous. Europeans that I asked were completely perplexed. Are you so blinded by your self-love that you think that Americans would lie and say they're you? Not only are you so deluded to think we'd rather be you, but do you truly believe that we'd make the effort to go out and find canadian flags, which of course, we'd end up having to mail-order since they aren't available for purchase anywhere, and take needle and thread and attach them to our bags? That's fucking absurd. Sure, YOU may sew Canadian flags on all your stuff, but that's because you guys are OBSESSED with disassociating yourselves from us and apparently have a lot more free time than we do. Even though we know we're not well liked in a lot of places, do you really think we love you so much that we'd rather be you than who we are? If that were the case, you'd see a massive influx of Americans moving to Canada. If we were going to lie and pretend to be from someplace else, we'd pretend to be French or Italian or something that would get us LAID. What's to be gained by people thinking we're Canadian? That's like lying and saying you're from Ohio. "Wow! That guy's from Canada! I bet he owns a very high quality winter coat." Sure, we don't do a lot of vacationing in Cuba, but who fucking does?
"We're a part of the British Empire." Get some balls and fight a war for independence like we did over 200 years ago. Don't you think it's about time to boot the foreigners off your money instead of kissing the asses of the descendants of the FORMER British government?
"Our Currency Is pretty and American Money is dirty and smelly" Wow! A Loon! EEZ SO PREETY! It's a fucking DUCK with a silly call, a pointy beak and beady red eyes. American money is dirty and smelly because, unlike Canadian Currency, IT GETS USED.
"Yeah well, at least Avril is better than Britney!" Do you seriously not hear how stupid and pathetic that sounds? "OUR TURDS ARE COOLER THAN YOUR TURDS!" I thought I'd mention it, since I get it at least once a day.
"Our Beer is Better than yours!" Is that the only thing you can think of? Drown your sorrows, Canucks. It's not like Canadian beer could even hold a candle to German, Irish or many other European beers, so find another point to brag about. "Better than Budweiser" doesn't exactly bring home the trophy. Lots of Americans drink import beer... and no, not Canadian.
"At least we use the Metric System, unlike you stupid Americans!" The imperial system is hard? Only if you're really crappy at remembering basic units and are too stupid for Third-Grade-level mathematics. Also, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? That's like laughing about the colors that a country paints its road signs. If you have to resort to ripping on our system of weights and measures, don't you think that's kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel? Is that all you've got? I made this big, fat, evil page and all you can come back with is, "Haw, Haw! You use the Fahrenheit temperature scale! HAW HAW HAW!"
"Haha! Terrorists are attacking you!" The most backwards, uneducated, fucked up religious fanatics in the world consider us "The Great Satan." Hey, we must be doing a few things right. Sure, YOU might not agree with our policies on economics or pollution, but do you really think that the people who hit the World Trade Center could give a rat's ass about any of that? Why are they hitting us and not you? After all, your value system is almost identical to ours, even if you're too stubborn to admit it. Why bother hitting such an impotent and innocuous country? If a suicide bomber has one life to give, why spend it on you? Why bother hitting the bully's little sister? Why would you assassinate the President's cat? After the attack, the value of the US Dollar plunged... but it never came close to being as low as the Canadian Dollar is on an average peaceful Tuesday. Oh, and uhh- Thanks for having such lax border policies that they slipped into our country over your border, right under your noses. I guess you file that under your famed self-proclaimed politeness. "Well, they looked busy and we didn't want to pry into their affairs."
"Your Healthcare System Sucks Compared to Ours!" Now you're just DIGGING for something. You know how often I think about healthcare? Almost never. Do you seriously walk around all day with a big cheesy grin because you have free healthcare? Are you sick all the time? Does the subject of healthcare seriously float around in the front of your mind all the time? The only time I think about healthcare is when I'm sick. I've been to the doctor once in the past 6 years, because I'm not sick very often, and I live in what you like to describe as a "Big, filthy, dangerous city." The visit cost me ten bucks and the medicine cost me another ten bucks because I have insurance. Your healthcare is also not exactly FREE, since your TAX DOLLARS pay for it, is it? Which is more beneficial to consumers? Giving your healthcare money to a private insurance company that's in competition with other private insurance companies, or giving it to a beleaguered government bureaucracy? So uhhhh... Time for you to dig your silly arguments for Canada's superiority out of a deeper, more creative bin.
If you like, read the entire page here! Fuck Canada
"You Americans are all illiterate." The US and Canada both have 97% literacy rates.
"Yeah well... At least we don't have GUNS like you!" Get ready to be conquered. Actually, to say there are NO guns in the hands of Canadian civilians is naive and dishonest. There are 1.4 MILLION registered gun owners in Canada, and about 667 thousand unregistered gun owners are protesting by REFUSING to register, even after the government waived the registration fee. 2 Million is about equal to the total populations of Detroit, Washington DC and Saint Louis combined; three of America's bloodiest cities. The article that I linked to says, "The law does little to curb gun use by criminals, and criminals are obtaining firearms easily illegally, or in some instances legally." Unregistered guns are harder to track, so have fun trying to run down the criminals who DO have them, and do USE them on Canadian civilians and cops. No serial numbers, no ballistics tests... Have fun with that little forensics nightmare.
"Americans are fat." So are you. 47.9% of Canadians are overweight, and that statistic is gradually rising. In Prince Edward Island 59% of people are fat. McDonalds is the most popular restaurant in Canada by a long stretch with three million customers a day. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Since your beef has Mad Cow Disease (the only cases found in North American livestock in over ten years, and guess where the last cases were before that? CANADA!), McDonalds Canada gets its beef from the US. May we help the next customer, please?
"We burned down the White House during the War of 1812!" Check that date again? That's right. You haven't found anything else to shove in our faces in nearly TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS. And let's get something straight. It wasn't EVEN the Canadians that burned the White House. It was the British. The Canadians fought alongside the British in the War of 1812, but it wasn't them who burned the White House. If you look anywhere online (other than an Anti-USA Canadian comebacks page) it ALWAYS says the British did it. And NO, being a British Colony doesn't make you British. As you're so fond of reminding the whole world every chance you get, "I am Canadian, Eh!" So, Canadian, no bragging rights for British accomplishments. That's like someone winning the Nobel Prize and having his CAT take credit for it. While you're digesting the fact that you can't take credit for burning down A particular building, consider the fact that WE BURNED THE WHOLE CITY OF TORONTO FIRST (York). The British burned Washington, including the White House later.
"We get better grades in school than you dumb Americans!" That could be, in part, because the Canadian grading scale makes it MUCH EASIER to pass. In the US, a 64% or below is an F. In Canada, a 49% and below is an F. In Canada, a 60%, which will fail you in the US, will get you a C+. An 80%, which is a C in the US, is an A- in Canada. This explains a lot when I think about the quality of hatemail I get.
"We invented Hockey!" BZZZZZZZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZT! Hockey was invented in Europe. Field hockey was played over 500 years ago in several European countries, and in the winter it was played on frozen ponds. It was later brought to North America by British troops. Woo-woo! You invented the Zamboni. If Europe didn't invent hockey first, would you have even bothered?
"We invented Basketball!" Actually the Mayans invented Basketball over 1000 years ago. In their version of the game, the losers were BEHEADED. I am, of course, completely in favor of reviving this tradition in basketball. It would make it a far more honorable game than the cocaine-snorting hooker-fucking steroid-shooting money-grubbing shoe-endorsing crap that it has become, and no doubt, the TV ratings would eclipse the second coming of Christ at Britney Spears' live nude Half-time Show at the Superbowl where she has steamy lesbian sex with her own clone.
"We invented Baseball!" Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. You invented the padded baseball GLOVE. Using your logic, Professional Skateboarder Mike McGill did the first aerial 540 on a skateboard. Hence, Mike McGill invented the skateboard.
"We invented Five Pin Bowling!" Just because you couldn't afford all ten pins doesn't mean you INVENTED something.
"We invented Lacrosse!" If, by "invented," you mean "Stole from the Native Americans, who had been playing it for centuries before Europeans ever set foot in North America," then, sure! I guess you DID "invent" it.
"We invented Velcro!" NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It was invented by a Swiss guy named George de Mestral. Yes, yes. Of course, I'm sure Canadians invented the wheel, the internal combustion engine, the microchip, fire, the everlasting gobstopper, the sun, the moon and the stars.
"We invented the Telephone! Bell lived in Ontario in 1874 when he invented it." Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, then moved to England, and later lived in Canada for LESS THAN ONE YEAR before moving to Boston - IN 1871. He was living in Boston for three whole years before the date that Canadians claim he invented the telephone in Canada. But let's slow down for a second. Bell DIDN'T INVENT the TELEPHONE. He merely STOLE the designs of Antonio Meucci, who was from Florence, Italy and invented the first telephone while living in Havana, Cuba in 1849. So BZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!
"We invented Cable TV!" NOPE It was invented in 1948 in Johnstown, Pennsylvania by John Walson to get TV to secluded houses in the mountains. Did the CBC tell you Cable was invented in Canada or something? Read 1984, please.
"We invented the ZIPPER!" So this is what it all boils down to. No wonder you're so proud. I definitely wouldn't want to live in a non-zipper inventing country. I mean... A guy's got to have standards, right? Oh! But Wait! I DO live in a zipper inventing country! The zipper was invented by the inventor of the sewing machine, Elias Howe, who was from Massachusetts, and it was further developed by Whitcomb Judson who was from Chicago. It was improved later by a Swede named Gideon Sundback. Oh well. I guess that's another Canadian claim to fame tossed in the fire.
"We invented Penicillin!" BZZZZT! BZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZT! Sir Alexander Fleming was from the UK. Seriously.... why are you all such pathological liars? Do you think that telling people that your country invented the first antibiotic will help you score or something? Don't you have any REAL accomplishments? "Uhhh. Yes, we do! And uhh.... I drive a Porsche and I'm a Millionaire!"
"We invented/accomplished <insert thing that Canadians supposedly invented/accomplished>" The US has the highest number of Nobel Prize winners of any country in the world; TWENTY SEVEN TIMES the number of Nobel Prize winners from Canada.
"The whole world LOVES Canada and HATES the US!" I guess that's why the whole world, including Canada, imitates our pop culture, and we have more immigrants than any other country in the world. We're also the second most visited country in the world. Canada is the ninth.
"Canada is sixth in the world for most Olympic Medals, despite having a population of only 30 million." I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to impress people with accomplishments at the world's biggest Credit Card Commercial, but uhh.. you're lying about how good you are at it. Canada isn't even in the top ten.
"When Americans go abroad, they sew Canadian flags on their bags so people will love them and rub on them!" How can you simultaneously play both the "Americans are arrogant assholes" and "Americans will disavow their nationality at the slightest sign of disapproval" cards? I've asked around and everyone who's not Canadian thinks that's insane and preposterous. Europeans that I asked were completely perplexed. Are you so blinded by your self-love that you think that Americans would lie and say they're you? Not only are you so deluded to think we'd rather be you, but do you truly believe that we'd make the effort to go out and find canadian flags, which of course, we'd end up having to mail-order since they aren't available for purchase anywhere, and take needle and thread and attach them to our bags? That's fucking absurd. Sure, YOU may sew Canadian flags on all your stuff, but that's because you guys are OBSESSED with disassociating yourselves from us and apparently have a lot more free time than we do. Even though we know we're not well liked in a lot of places, do you really think we love you so much that we'd rather be you than who we are? If that were the case, you'd see a massive influx of Americans moving to Canada. If we were going to lie and pretend to be from someplace else, we'd pretend to be French or Italian or something that would get us LAID. What's to be gained by people thinking we're Canadian? That's like lying and saying you're from Ohio. "Wow! That guy's from Canada! I bet he owns a very high quality winter coat." Sure, we don't do a lot of vacationing in Cuba, but who fucking does?
"We're a part of the British Empire." Get some balls and fight a war for independence like we did over 200 years ago. Don't you think it's about time to boot the foreigners off your money instead of kissing the asses of the descendants of the FORMER British government?
"Our Currency Is pretty and American Money is dirty and smelly" Wow! A Loon! EEZ SO PREETY! It's a fucking DUCK with a silly call, a pointy beak and beady red eyes. American money is dirty and smelly because, unlike Canadian Currency, IT GETS USED.
"Yeah well, at least Avril is better than Britney!" Do you seriously not hear how stupid and pathetic that sounds? "OUR TURDS ARE COOLER THAN YOUR TURDS!" I thought I'd mention it, since I get it at least once a day.
"Our Beer is Better than yours!" Is that the only thing you can think of? Drown your sorrows, Canucks. It's not like Canadian beer could even hold a candle to German, Irish or many other European beers, so find another point to brag about. "Better than Budweiser" doesn't exactly bring home the trophy. Lots of Americans drink import beer... and no, not Canadian.
"At least we use the Metric System, unlike you stupid Americans!" The imperial system is hard? Only if you're really crappy at remembering basic units and are too stupid for Third-Grade-level mathematics. Also, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? That's like laughing about the colors that a country paints its road signs. If you have to resort to ripping on our system of weights and measures, don't you think that's kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel? Is that all you've got? I made this big, fat, evil page and all you can come back with is, "Haw, Haw! You use the Fahrenheit temperature scale! HAW HAW HAW!"
"Haha! Terrorists are attacking you!" The most backwards, uneducated, fucked up religious fanatics in the world consider us "The Great Satan." Hey, we must be doing a few things right. Sure, YOU might not agree with our policies on economics or pollution, but do you really think that the people who hit the World Trade Center could give a rat's ass about any of that? Why are they hitting us and not you? After all, your value system is almost identical to ours, even if you're too stubborn to admit it. Why bother hitting such an impotent and innocuous country? If a suicide bomber has one life to give, why spend it on you? Why bother hitting the bully's little sister? Why would you assassinate the President's cat? After the attack, the value of the US Dollar plunged... but it never came close to being as low as the Canadian Dollar is on an average peaceful Tuesday. Oh, and uhh- Thanks for having such lax border policies that they slipped into our country over your border, right under your noses. I guess you file that under your famed self-proclaimed politeness. "Well, they looked busy and we didn't want to pry into their affairs."
"Your Healthcare System Sucks Compared to Ours!" Now you're just DIGGING for something. You know how often I think about healthcare? Almost never. Do you seriously walk around all day with a big cheesy grin because you have free healthcare? Are you sick all the time? Does the subject of healthcare seriously float around in the front of your mind all the time? The only time I think about healthcare is when I'm sick. I've been to the doctor once in the past 6 years, because I'm not sick very often, and I live in what you like to describe as a "Big, filthy, dangerous city." The visit cost me ten bucks and the medicine cost me another ten bucks because I have insurance. Your healthcare is also not exactly FREE, since your TAX DOLLARS pay for it, is it? Which is more beneficial to consumers? Giving your healthcare money to a private insurance company that's in competition with other private insurance companies, or giving it to a beleaguered government bureaucracy? So uhhhh... Time for you to dig your silly arguments for Canada's superiority out of a deeper, more creative bin.
If you like, read the entire page here! Fuck Canada
