When men don’t want sex

[Anachronism]

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Trust me, it isn't exactly easy to locate the sort of woman who would succeed/excell in that sort of situation either these days.

You need therapy. I mean that with no malice intended.

It's been tried, to no avail. Once when I was about 11 years old and again a couple years ago. As both therapists have said.... "Until you decide there's a need to change, there's nothing we can do for you."; and I've never found a sufficient reason to even consider changing.

 

[Grace]

Is that really samson in his avie???
Go easy on me. Im still semi sorta new and have no clue.

 

[Anguille]

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Trust me, it isn't exactly easy to locate the sort of woman who would succeed/excell in that sort of situation either these days.

You need therapy. I mean that with no malice intended.

It's been tried, to no avail. Once when I was about 11 years old and again a couple years ago. As both therapists have said.... "Until you decide there's a need to change, there's nothing we can do for you."; and I've never found a sufficient reason to even consider changing.

How's has being so inflexible worked out for you so far? Not too good, it seems.

Sometimes good things come to people later in life and then they are even more cherished. I think you have potential once life has taught you to be more open minded.

How about puttting some trust in your therapists in the way you expect a woman to put trust in you?

 

[Anachronism]

Not my idea of the ideal male! Maybe as a father figure but not as a mate. I think two heads are better than one. (In a relationship, I'm not saying I like two headed men. )

Two heads, yes; but there can only be ONE Voice or nothing gets done.

You keep saying you don't want a pity party but that's the vibe I get from many of your posts. Whether you want it or not, you have my pity. You seem sincere enough in wanting a better life but you aren't willing to compromise or put your convictions to the test. You also seem smart enough that someday you will.

Please save it for someone who actually wants it and can use it, Anguille. There are plenty of people out there much more deserving of your sympathy than I am. As for compromising or changing, that I kind of doubt. I'm open to the idea, but it's definitely going to take something extroridnary to make it happen, and I just don't see that sort of positive luck/karma/energy coming my way any time soon.

Well, hell. It was High school before lots of us succeeded at anything. K-12 is NOT the be all or end all of anything. Its a VERY small part of life, and if you let it color everything that follows, you're selling life, and yourself, very short.

I was ugly, and my mother dressed me funny. She cut my hair herself, too. My bangs were stubs lots of times. There's a whole WORLD out there. You're only 37, but at 37 you're judging that world on reactions you got in K-12?! You wasted 25 YEARS of your life shackled to a lunchroom you don't even eat in anymore. That's fucked up, dude.

No. I've judged the world on 37 years worth of seeing the absolute worst in people a hundred times more often than I see even the least bit of the positive. Especially in their interactions with me. I've judged the world on the world's reaction to me. I learned early on in life that the only person I could count on to my best interests first was ME; and that doing so left precious little time or energy to do anything for anyone else. I've softened on that a little bit over the years, but I still weigh every decision based on what I'm going to get out of it compared to what I put into it.

Still, two people can't drive at the same time, and even if its a shared task, only one can drive at any one time.

Exactly/

Ive given up. Dude, you need to see someone about your issues. And you DO have issues.

I definitely have issues. You won't get any arguement from me on that. I've been down the therapy road and it doesn't work for me. The issues are too deeply ingrained and nobody has ever been able to show me a significant, guaranteed benefit to changint any of them. So unless you know someone who has a time machine and a DNA-altering device, there really isn't any help for me.

 

[Anachronism]

How has being so inflexible worked out for you so far? Not too good, it seems.

It has its advantages. Mostly as a means of defending myself against the world.

Sometimes good things come to people later in life and then they are even more cherished. I think you have potential once life has taught you to be more open minded.

I would not bank on my ever becoming significantly more open minded than I am now. As I mentioned earlier, it is going to take some pretty drastic event or a very special person in my life to even make me consider changing who I am to any significant degree.

How about puttting some trust in your therapists in the way you expect a woman to put trust in you?

In my youth, I spent a year's worth of Thursday nights with a therapist and it did absolutely nothing. In the last two years I've periodically seen someone else (mostly for my anger management issue). In both cases they provided really nothing of substance or value in showing me any real reason to change things in my life. No REAL, TANGIBLE, positive value that would be experienced as a result. Oh, there's a lot of.... Maybe's and If's and Possibly's but at this point in my life that's not what I'm interested in.

 

[HUGGY]

How has being so inflexible worked out for you so far? Not too good, it seems.

It has its advantages. Mostly as a means of defending myself against the world.

Sometimes good things come to people later in life and then they are even more cherished. I think you have potential once life has taught you to be more open minded.

I would not bank on my ever becoming significantly more open minded than I am now. As I mentioned earlier, it is going to take some pretty drastic event or a very special person in my life to even make me consider changing who I am to any significant degree.

How about puttting some trust in your therapists in the way you expect a woman to put trust in you?

In my youth, I spent a year's worth of Thursday nights with a therapist and it did absolutely nothing. In the last two years I've periodically seen someone else (mostly for my anger management issue). In both cases they provided really nothing of substance or value in showing me any real reason to change things in my life. No REAL, TANGIBLE, positive value that would be experienced as a result. Oh, there's a lot of.... Maybe's and If's and Possibly's but at this point in my life that's not what I'm interested in.

I've tried...I've listened...I put my hand to god that no effort has been spared.

Put me back on ignore please ..I can't take any more of this.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Cecilie,
Was it rule #5 you "know of some exceptions to"? What would those be? I'm not sure I get where you're going with that.

It was rule #5. I know some women who get off on being treated . . . well, a little less ladylike in public, let us say.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Well, the more I read, the more I dont think you are looking for a mate at all. You want a Little house On The Prairie woman what will pull the plow, feed the chickens, wash the clothes in the water trough outside, stable the horses, clean the stalls then run in at dinner time to make sure you have a nice hot meal she just made from scratch that she grew herself in your garden (I say you, because it sure wouldnt be hers from what Ive gathered so far), have a nice hot drawn bath she heated the water from the fireplace she stoked and make sure your pipe is stuffed with tobaccy and your slippers on your feet after giving them a good massage with Bagbalm that was used on the cows in the barn. And for those efforts, she doesnt get a kiss, a hug, told she is loved and appreciated. Its her job as your mate. And shes nothing more.

Good luck in your hunt, dude.

Aside from the "not getting a kiss or a hug" part of this (which I haven't seen even implied in Anachronism's posts, FYI), what do you think a mate IS, precisely?

 

[Anguille]

One of the benefits of being a woman in our society is that when the not in the mood issue comes up. It's considered acceptable for women to not want it all the time whereas a man might feel less of a man if he's not randy 24/7.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Well now. Can I ask which one makes the final decision? My ex tried that. See, he was married before just as I was. His ex wife walked two steps behind him like the submissive one she was. When he said they needed new furniture, HE picked it out. Anything she liked, was dismissed.
Alas...that didnt work too slick on me. We went to get a new couch. He wanted that one. I wanted the other one. He said he was boss, put the bread on the table and it was his choice. I said ok. But when you get home tomorrow, that fucking couch is going to be out front, smoldering because Im gonna set the sob on fire. Guaranteed. So we got a different couch then the ones we originally picked out and we BOTH agreed on. Soon after that, i got a job. So his "whats yours is mine and whats mine is mine" changed real fast, lemme tell ya.
He tried all thru our marriage to pull that crap. Id just flick a lighter in his direction and smile.

Grace, I'm pretty sure you're a bright enough person to figure out which one gets to make the final decision in my mind. I'm not going to insult you by thinking that you don't. That's just one of the reasons why a relationship between someone like you and someone like me wouldn't work out very well.

Now, I'm a lot more open to her opinion on things of the nature that you're describing. At least in part because I have no fashion sense and couldn't care much less about furniture, curtains, carpet, and the like. However, there are going to be times in any relationship where there will be two disparate opinions and there needs to be a means for breaking that tie.... and I'm not a big believer in Compromise.

Anywho..I tend to digress.
Gotta have a meeting of the mind. One having "more power" over the other one or insisting 50/50 doesnt work never tried it. Or bent enough to MAKE it 50/50. It does indeed work. And it shouldnt be that anyway. Each person should put 110 percent EACH in.

I will willingly admit that I've never tried the 50/50 thing. It's not something that I'm interested in. It's not how my parents relationship worked. It's definitely not how either of my sets of grandparents' relationships worked. It's not how my brother and sister-in-law's relationship works (her vows included.... With this ring I thee wed, with this body I thee worship, with all my worldly possessions I thee endow). It's not about how much energy each person puts in. I agree with your 100% comment there. It's about control and power. Who has the final say in things.

Control and power, or trust?
See, to my mind, where there is a total disagreement, SOMEBODY has to drive. I'm tired. Maybe lazy...but I do believe that in the ideal relationship, I would TRUST the man in my life not to abuse the last word. That is not to say I wouldn't have ANY words, but that I would trust him enough not to be an asshole about it if he were given that. Haven't been in that relationship yet. Should have held out for it from jump. But it should NOT be about control and power, but about trusting someone to drive, to give them the trust to have that final say on any given issue, and to really know that they would only and always have your best interests at heart, even if that meant giving up a little ground himself.

And furthermore, getting to make the decision doesn't mean that's he's stupid and arrogant enough to ignore any and all input from the woman, who he hopefully chose in part because she has a brain.

 

[Cecilie1200]

I'm not sure that is entirely fair. Given the ideal (intellectually and emotionally) male, it wouldn't be a bad bargain. That's hard to locate though.

Not my idea of the ideal male! Maybe as a father figure but not as a mate. I think two heads are better than one. (In a relationship, I'm not saying I like two headed men. )

All men are two headed. I wouldn't have them any other way. And I don't have daddy issues. I never let anyone have what I proposed, simply because none of the men I've known could handle it without one of their heads inflating. And not the right one. Still, two people can't drive at the same time, and even if its a shared task, only one can drive at any one time.

My husband DOES get that arrangement, and I can tell you he generally considers it more of a pain-in-the-ass chore than an ego-inflating power trip. I deal with the world outside my home and family primarily because hermithood just ain't practical, by and large, not because I have any real desire to. It is a tremendous relief to be able to say, "YOU handle it. I'm going to go make dinner", and then come back and find out that my husband has worked everything out and rearranged the world to take care of me.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Is that really samson in his avie???
Go easy on me. Im still semi sorta new and have no clue.

Not unless Samson is a professional actor.

 

[Anachronism]

And furthermore, getting to make the decision doesn't mean that's he's stupid and arrogant enough to ignore any and all input from the woman, who he hopefully chose in part because she has a brain.

Gee, it's nice to see that someone actually does READ what I type on occasion; considering that I've said something to that effect in multiple posts over the last two days and it seems to be going in one eye and out the other for some people.

My husband DOES get that arrangement, and I can tell you he generally considers it more of a pain-in-the-ass chore than an ego-inflating power trip. I deal with the world outside my home and family primarily because hermithood just ain't practical, by and large, not because I have any real desire to. It is a tremendous relief to be able to say, "YOU handle it. I'm going to go make dinner", and then come back and find out that my husband has worked everything out and rearranged the world to take care of me.

You know, I don't think I could have said it any better myself, Cecilie. Anyone who thinks that being the individual who gets to make the decisions, make it all work, and sort it all out is a fun and pleasant chore has never had to do it.

 

[Samson]

Ive given up. Dude, you need to see someone about your issues. And you DO have issues.

Just send me another rubber ducky.

 

[masquerade]

Can I watch TV, or read the paper?

NASCAR, darlin'.

Football dahlin'!

 

[masquerade]

The only advice I can give is for Anachronism to:

throw away his "what Im looking for" list and burn any backup copies he may have. Hold on now. I say keep a list of all the qualities you want in your mate, and be sure to express those same qualities in yourself.

Be himself. When he sees a woman he want to talk to, talk to her like shes someone he already knows. In short..be at ease. Accept yourself as you are now and know you are adequate for all situations.

Dont keep ragging on himself. Never EVER criticize yourself! Ever! He seems insecure on his looks. Women are like wolves. They can smell that insecurity and dont find it attractive.

You look the way you were intended to look from the genes of your parents, and their parents parents on down the line. Being eye candy is a plus, but it isnt the most important thing.

Hygene is important. So is clean teeth even if they are crooked. CLEAN is the key word. Nails kept short and no spitting in front of the woman!

Not seeing a pic of you, I cant give you tips, nor would even if you did post one. Dorky as it sounds, INSIDE far outweighs the OUTSIDE....except in certain scenarios ie morbidly obese where he cant even walk....or has rotten teeth...or extreme lack of hygene, etc.

~

 

[High_Gravity]

I don't want to be crude but, if you have a reputation for being very skilled at orally pleasuring the ladies, you will get girls to come to you. Just sayin.

 

[masquerade]

Im sorry if I offended you with my bluntness, anachronism, but maybe what you think and what you say is what is turning women away? I have no clue. But I DO wish for you to experience love in the way you have not found. Yet. Youre only 37. In your prime.
Im no Gods Gift to Men, but I can pull an engine with or without the bellhousing intact (easier with it in...all one whack as long as you aim correctly and turn here and there), I can build a room, I can put up fences, I can climb trees (ask Lumpy, lol), I have a brain that functions quite well, a great problem solver, dont much like sex cuz I forgot what its all about (my choice) and am pretty much secure in who I am and what I can do...or choose to do. Im old enough to be your ma...so Im telling you like a ma would....take down your armor, toss the list, and open your heart. Youll get stabbed, yes. But being stabbed is at least feeling. You are shutting yourself off and its coming across to women. Like you have a big ol note on your shirt that says DISS ME! I KNOW YOU WILL! Take it off. Because someone IS out there. You just havent found her yet. Stop looking. And she might find YOU.

Ahhhh the old cliche .... it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. So true.

 

[masquerade]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

Your beliefs in lack and limitation towards yourself and life, are being reflected. Can you see that? What you belief about life and about yourself, becomes true for you.

 

[masquerade]

I gave up when I was 4 and lost my rubber ducky.

Sarcasm doesn't look good on you either, Samson. As I alluded to, I grew up with two younger brothers who were pretty much better at everything physical, mental, and social than I was. Everything they touched turned to gold. Everything I touched turned into dog crap. After a while it's not worth even bothering to try anymore. I can honestly say it was High School before I ever really succeed at anything, and even then it was as a member of a team, not an individual.

You keep saying you don't want a pity party but that's the vibe I get from many of your posts. Whether you want it or not, you have my pity. You seem sincere enough in wanting a better life but you aren't willing to compromise or put your convictions to the test. You also seem smart enough that someday you will.

Or to look within to find changes that need to be made there.