Singles bar

[Statistikhengst]

Was single then married then single then married then single then married now single again (even though still legally married). No longer looking. Don't feel like going through the energy drain and don't feel like experiencing any more heartache in my life. I gots my computer; I gots my Xbox; I gots my big screen TV; and I gots my stereo. What more can a man want?

Oh ... and bartender ... a tall lemonade and bowl of peanuts for me. Thanks.

I have all that too, DriftingSand ( except the Xbox ) plus I have a great cat, my perfect companion. No more drama in my life. Peace and contentment. It's nice to have a long-distance sweetheart, too.

I hope you have a dog. I can't imagine living happily without an animal friend to love.

At first, I was in shock but I'm really luvin' it now. There's something comforting about waking up with a warm body next to you but there's something freeing about doing whatever I want when I want. I think that, overall, I'm under less stress so that makes me happier.

I like the warm body part, but she needs to be really, really voluptuous.

 

[Andylusion]

Is seven months to soon to be talking about getting a place together ?

Well... Disclaimer.... I'm an old fashioned person, and thus my advice likely does not fit, and will be ignored by most, and I'm ok with that. If you think I'm full of crap, and old fogey garbage, that works just fine for me. This my opinion, and you paid nothing for it, and so I'll guarantee you a full refund.

1. If you are not married, you shouldn't be getting a place, or living together at all.

90% of all shackup relationships fail. Research after research, shows that your chances of having a happy marriage fall, the moment you shackup.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?_r=0

This is just one of THOUSANDS of sources that all show that if you want a short term, doomed to fail relationship, your best bet is to shackup.

2. Not being married and buying a place together, is almost a guarantee of heartache and problems.

If you are not married, there is no legal method of separating assets.

The following examples are real. These are people I actually know.

One girl bought a house with her boyfriend. The boyfriend decided he wanted a new girl friend. He brought the 'new' girl friend home with him. Meanwhile the girl I know, was still in the house.

Because they were not married, the house is considered 'jointly' owned. Meaning that both people can do whatever they want in the home. There is no way to force either to separate the property. There is no divorce court to split the asset, because they are not married.

Another example, was a guy who bought a car, with his girl friend. The girl decided she wanted a new guy, and drove off in the car. He can't call the police, because it's legally equally her car too. So he just lost the car. Of course he stopped paying payments on the car, and of course she didn't pay the payments either. So now his credit is trashed, and she still has the car. If they ever find the car, and repo it, then he'll have a repo on his credit report as well. He has no legal recourse. After they repo it, and sell it, whatever deficit there is, he'll end up owing, and they garnish his wages over it.

When you buy things with someone you are not married too, you are ASKING for trouble.

I know of another deal where, I can't remember if it was the guy, or the girl, that did it, but one paid for the entire college education of the other, and the moment they finished the degree, they left. Nothing the other could do. Can't take them to court. They were not married. The money is gone, and some other lucky person has a fully educated spouse, and has no debt.

Now before I get swamped with flames, I know that the same thing can happen with married couples. Marriage is not a 100% certified guarantee of relational success. If a spouse really wants to do something crazy, there is no possible way to prevent it from happening... but.... Not being married practically a guarantee you'll end up hurt.

3. Lastly, once you are married, I would suggest you rent a place for at least a year. It takes that long to figure out how far away from the in-laws, to buy a home.

If you find out your spouses family drives you crazy, then you need to buy a house farther away.

Additionally, sometimes in the first year of marriage, you find something out about your spouse, that they hid from you, or intentionally misled you. I would suggest you move immediately for an annulment. Typically this level of crazy comes out in the first year, and thus, not owning a home make it easier.

 

[Andylusion]

There are NO rules in love and war!

Not so much in war, but there are in love for sure. I would suggest to you that it is exactly because people have been doing love without rules, that is why our culture today is the train wreck that it is. I would say the divorce rate alone, is a direct result of thinking there are no rules in love.

There are rules in love, and those that break the rules end up ruined by them.

I have found, going by all the rules of morality, holds no guarantees of a lasting relationship. It does however, let one leave with their dignity intact.

Entitlements and the 60's led to the breakup of family life, for the most part. Those two forces have contributed more to the downfall of our country, more than anything else, in my opinion.

Well of course not. There is no such thing as 'guarantees' in this would for anything. We should have figured that out in 2008. "housing prices will always go up! Guaranteed!".... fail.

But when it comes to relationships, when you do things that right way, yeah it doesn't guarantee success... but doing it the wrong way, is almost a guarantee of failure.

It's like not driving your car off a cliff, doesn't guarantee you'll never die in an accident.... equally driving your car off a cliff doesn't guarantee you will die...

But between the two, your chances of dying are much higher doing the 'drive off the cliff' plan.

Similarly, shacking up doesn't automatically mean you will fail, and doing it right doesn't automatically mean perfection and bliss.

But I promise you, and all the statistics I have ever seen show, that doing it the wrong way, drastically increases the chance of heartache and failure.

Even without research and the statistics, I can go down the list of people I know, and the relationship they have had, and it all plays out the same.

I know a girl right now, who ended up in therapy for 3 years... because she 'hooked up' with one guy, was used and dumped. Hooked up with another for 3 years, and was dumped. Hooked up with a 3rd, and that ended in a week.

5 years later, she got her head unscrambled in therapy. Finally, she met a guy, married the guy, and now she's been married 5 years, and has two kids.

When she did it right... it worked. Shocking.... Well... not to me. Now does that mean every time you do it right it works? No. Absolutely not. But I honestly only know of one single couple, in all my years, and all the people I have met in my life... just one out of dozens on dozens on dozens, that shacked up, and they are still together.

All the rest.... heartache... pain... ruined lives... .ruined kids.

All coincidence? Ok. Whatever you want to believe.

 

[ChrisL]

Is seven months to soon to be talking about getting a place together ?

Sounds pretty soon to me. Is 7 months the amount of time you've known this person or the amount of time you've been dating? I guess if you've known this person from before you were dating, it might not be too soon.

 

[ChrisL]

Dating and sex has been a "game" since before humans were human. It's a game by design - even animals follow courtship "rules."

There are NO rules in love and war!

Not so much in war, but there are in love for sure. I would suggest to you that it is exactly because people have been doing love without rules, that is why our culture today is the train wreck that it is. I would say the divorce rate alone, is a direct result of thinking there are no rules in love.

There are rules in love, and those that break the rules end up ruined by them.

I'm only joking around. Like I said, I didn't realize you guys were having such a serious discussion when I posted it.

 

[Diana1180]

Is seven months to soon to be talking about getting a place together ?

Well... Disclaimer.... I'm an old fashioned person, and thus my advice likely does not fit, and will be ignored by most, and I'm ok with that. If you think I'm full of crap, and old fogey garbage, that works just fine for me. This my opinion, and you paid nothing for it, and so I'll guarantee you a full refund.

1. If you are not married, you shouldn't be getting a place, or living together at all.

90% of all shackup relationships fail. Research after research, shows that your chances of having a happy marriage fall, the moment you shackup.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?_r=0

This is just one of THOUSANDS of sources that all show that if you want a short term, doomed to fail relationship, your best bet is to shackup.

2. Not being married and buying a place together, is almost a guarantee of heartache and problems.

If you are not married, there is no legal method of separating assets.

The following examples are real. These are people I actually know.

One girl bought a house with her boyfriend. The boyfriend decided he wanted a new girl friend. He brought the 'new' girl friend home with him. Meanwhile the girl I know, was still in the house.

Because they were not married, the house is considered 'jointly' owned. Meaning that both people can do whatever they want in the home. There is no way to force either to separate the property. There is no divorce court to split the asset, because they are not married.

Another example, was a guy who bought a car, with his girl friend. The girl decided she wanted a new guy, and drove off in the car. He can't call the police, because it's legally equally her car too. So he just lost the car. Of course he stopped paying payments on the car, and of course she didn't pay the payments either. So now his credit is trashed, and she still has the car. If they ever find the car, and repo it, then he'll have a repo on his credit report as well. He has no legal recourse. After they repo it, and sell it, whatever deficit there is, he'll end up owing, and they garnish his wages over it.

When you buy things with someone you are not married too, you are ASKING for trouble.

I know of another deal where, I can't remember if it was the guy, or the girl, that did it, but one paid for the entire college education of the other, and the moment they finished the degree, they left. Nothing the other could do. Can't take them to court. They were not married. The money is gone, and some other lucky person has a fully educated spouse, and has no debt.

Now before I get swamped with flames, I know that the same thing can happen with married couples. Marriage is not a 100% certified guarantee of relational success. If a spouse really wants to do something crazy, there is no possible way to prevent it from happening... but.... Not being married practically a guarantee you'll end up hurt.

3. Lastly, once you are married, I would suggest you rent a place for at least a year. It takes that long to figure out how far away from the in-laws, to buy a home.

If you find out your spouses family drives you crazy, then you need to buy a house farther away.

Additionally, sometimes in the first year of marriage, you find something out about your spouse, that they hid from you, or intentionally misled you. I would suggest you move immediately for an annulment. Typically this level of crazy comes out in the first year, and thus, not owning a home make it easier.

I can agree with about 95% of this post and I am only 37. I would never mingle financial obligations with someone I am just dating or even in a long term relationship with. That would be saved for marriage. I dont want any of these examples happenign to me. I have worked too hard for my money and what I have.

Pretty much my only disagreement is that I could not marry someone I have not lived with. Financial stuff still stays seperate and both names are on the lease but living with someone and finding out all their quirks would help me decide if they are somone i COULD marry.

I just moved a year ago and the guy i was with was supposed to be moving in with me. Things happened (after I signed the lease) and he didnt end up moving with me. I HAD to move since my daughter was accepted to a school and we needed to be closer to the school. I made sure I moved to a house that I can afford on my own....just in case. He had been trying to figure out what we can afford with two incomes.

Boy was I glad I stuck to my guns on that one.

 

[Andylusion]

Is seven months to soon to be talking about getting a place together ?

Well... Disclaimer.... I'm an old fashioned person, and thus my advice likely does not fit, and will be ignored by most, and I'm ok with that. If you think I'm full of crap, and old fogey garbage, that works just fine for me. This my opinion, and you paid nothing for it, and so I'll guarantee you a full refund.

1. If you are not married, you shouldn't be getting a place, or living together at all.

90% of all shackup relationships fail. Research after research, shows that your chances of having a happy marriage fall, the moment you shackup.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html?_r=0

This is just one of THOUSANDS of sources that all show that if you want a short term, doomed to fail relationship, your best bet is to shackup.

2. Not being married and buying a place together, is almost a guarantee of heartache and problems.

If you are not married, there is no legal method of separating assets.

The following examples are real. These are people I actually know.

One girl bought a house with her boyfriend. The boyfriend decided he wanted a new girl friend. He brought the 'new' girl friend home with him. Meanwhile the girl I know, was still in the house.

Because they were not married, the house is considered 'jointly' owned. Meaning that both people can do whatever they want in the home. There is no way to force either to separate the property. There is no divorce court to split the asset, because they are not married.

Another example, was a guy who bought a car, with his girl friend. The girl decided she wanted a new guy, and drove off in the car. He can't call the police, because it's legally equally her car too. So he just lost the car. Of course he stopped paying payments on the car, and of course she didn't pay the payments either. So now his credit is trashed, and she still has the car. If they ever find the car, and repo it, then he'll have a repo on his credit report as well. He has no legal recourse. After they repo it, and sell it, whatever deficit there is, he'll end up owing, and they garnish his wages over it.

When you buy things with someone you are not married too, you are ASKING for trouble.

I know of another deal where, I can't remember if it was the guy, or the girl, that did it, but one paid for the entire college education of the other, and the moment they finished the degree, they left. Nothing the other could do. Can't take them to court. They were not married. The money is gone, and some other lucky person has a fully educated spouse, and has no debt.

Now before I get swamped with flames, I know that the same thing can happen with married couples. Marriage is not a 100% certified guarantee of relational success. If a spouse really wants to do something crazy, there is no possible way to prevent it from happening... but.... Not being married practically a guarantee you'll end up hurt.

3. Lastly, once you are married, I would suggest you rent a place for at least a year. It takes that long to figure out how far away from the in-laws, to buy a home.

If you find out your spouses family drives you crazy, then you need to buy a house farther away.

Additionally, sometimes in the first year of marriage, you find something out about your spouse, that they hid from you, or intentionally misled you. I would suggest you move immediately for an annulment. Typically this level of crazy comes out in the first year, and thus, not owning a home make it easier.

I can agree with about 95% of this post and I am only 37. I would never mingle financial obligations with someone I am just dating or even in a long term relationship with. That would be saved for marriage. I dont want any of these examples happenign to me. I have worked too hard for my money and what I have.

Pretty much my only disagreement is that I could not marry someone I have not lived with. Financial stuff still stays seperate and both names are on the lease but living with someone and finding out all their quirks would help me decide if they are somone i COULD marry.

I just moved a year ago and the guy i was with was supposed to be moving in with me. Things happened (after I signed the lease) and he didnt end up moving with me. I HAD to move since my daughter was accepted to a school and we needed to be closer to the school. I made sure I moved to a house that I can afford on my own....just in case. He had been trying to figure out what we can afford with two incomes.

Boy was I glad I stuck to my guns on that one.

The lowest rate of divorce is with those who have not lived together until they are married. It's just statistics.

In your case, you should know that blended families have a massive divorce rate. Your best bet is to stay single until the kids move on. The Brady Bunch was fake TV crap. Reality is, you marry some guy with kids, or when you have kids, chances are you will end up with broken hearts, and screwed up kids. It's just a fact. Not trying to be mean.

 

[AquaAthena]

I would only live romantically with someone I didn't want to spend the rest of my life, with.

Having said that, I did live with my favorite former hubby for one year, before we married and it lasted 14 years before it's lifetime was over. No regrets, and never looked back, only forward.

I would say 7 months is too soon. The longer you stay living apart, the more you will value living together, in my opinion.

 

[Jackson]

I was married for 15 years then got my divorce and said "Never again." Later on, I could see my self possibly living with someone, as long as I had one foot out the door. No more attorneys, depositions, counselling appointments...no, no way! Even then, when that came close, I backed away. Too independent. Two households and my time and his time is important. Keeps the romance alive.

Just like now...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?

 

[Jackson]

Is seven months to soon to be talking about getting a place together ?

Why the rush? If it's real... you have a lifetime together. Learn more about each other.

 

[GISMYS]

I was married for 15 years then got my divorce and said "Never again." Later on, I could see my self possibly living with someone, as long as I had one foot out the door. No more attorneys, depositions, counselling appointments...no, no way! Even then, when that came close, I backed away. Too independent. Two households and my time and his time is important. Keeps the romance alive.

Just like now...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?

YOU SAY"...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?
" HOW ABOUT DOING WHAT IS RIGHT?

 

[Jackson]

I was married for 15 years then got my divorce and said "Never again." Later on, I could see my self possibly living with someone, as long as I had one foot out the door. No more attorneys, depositions, counselling appointments...no, no way! Even then, when that came close, I backed away. Too independent. Two households and my time and his time is important. Keeps the romance alive.

Just like now...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?

YOU SAY"...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?
" HOW ABOUT DOING WHAT IS RIGHT?

Well, what is right? Getting married? No way! We've only been together for 15 years.lol. Why rush into things!

 

[GISMYS]

I was married for 15 years then got my divorce and said "Never again." Later on, I could see my self possibly living with someone, as long as I had one foot out the door. No more attorneys, depositions, counselling appointments...no, no way! Even then, when that came close, I backed away. Too independent. Two households and my time and his time is important. Keeps the romance alive.

Just like now...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?

YOU SAY"...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?
" HOW ABOUT DOING WHAT IS RIGHT?

Well, what is right? Getting married? No way! We've only been together for 15 years.lol. Why rush into things!

Then don't cry when you see your life and the life of those around you going into the sewer.

 

[Jackson]

YOU SAY"...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?
" HOW ABOUT DOING WHAT IS RIGHT?

Well, what is right? Getting married? No way! We've only been together for 15 years.lol. Why rush into things!

Then don't cry when you see your life and the life of those around you going into the sewer.

Okay, LOL!

 

[AquaAthena]

I was married for 15 years then got my divorce and said "Never again." Later on, I could see my self possibly living with someone, as long as I had one foot out the door. No more attorneys, depositions, counselling appointments...no, no way! Even then, when that came close, I backed away. Too independent. Two households and my time and his time is important. Keeps the romance alive.

Just like now...I am doing What I want to do... Is that selfish?

A person is not being selfish if they choose to live life on their terms. They are only being selfish if they expect another to go along with them.

 

[Diana1180]

The lowest rate of divorce is with those who have not lived together until they are married. It's just statistics.

In your case, you should know that blended families have a massive divorce rate. Your best bet is to stay single until the kids move on. The Brady Bunch was fake TV crap. Reality is, you marry some guy with kids, or when you have kids, chances are you will end up with broken hearts, and screwed up kids. It's just a fact. Not trying to be mean.

It is your opinion. I come from a blended family. A very successful one. My dad married someone with two kids....joining with him, my brother and I (My mother was never in the picture). Yes, I know they are hard.

My daughter is 15. That was my first serious (and only) relationhip in 12 years since her ftaher and I divorced. I am not one to rush into things.

 

[Andylusion]

The lowest rate of divorce is with those who have not lived together until they are married. It's just statistics.

In your case, you should know that blended families have a massive divorce rate. Your best bet is to stay single until the kids move on. The Brady Bunch was fake TV crap. Reality is, you marry some guy with kids, or when you have kids, chances are you will end up with broken hearts, and screwed up kids. It's just a fact. Not trying to be mean.

It is your opinion. I come from a blended family. A very successful one. My dad married someone with two kids....joining with him, my brother and I (My mother was never in the picture). Yes, I know they are hard.

My daughter is 15. That was my first serious (and only) relationhip in 12 years since her ftaher and I divorced. I am not one to rush into things.

Of course it's possible to have a blended family and be successful. I didn't say it was impossible, only highly unlikely.

One of the reasons your family wasn't a nightmare, is that your real mother wasn't involved. That can drastically improve things.

The worst situation is when the ex-father/mother is still involved.

One lady was talking about how she grow up with her sisters and brothers, and they were from another man, while she was from another. But her father was completely uninvolved. Not sure if he was dead, or move someplace else, or what the deal was.

But the net result was that she only had one father, the one she grew up with. Her sisters and brothers were nightmares. Shuffling between homes, and dealing with step mothers, step siblings, and the "you're not my daddy" syndrome.

She didn't have any of that. So she turned out fine, while her brothers and sisters, ended up with all kinds of problems.

Another problem that tends to happen, is the father tends to prefer his natural kids, over the blended kids.

Then you have mother and father, fighting over the inheritance. I want my money going to my daughter. Well I want the money going to my kids. Yeah well, let their real mother/father will his money to them.

Well that's terrible and wrong, and both parents should love all their kids equally......

Didn't say it wasn't wrong, just that it was reality.

I have an uncle, who married one girl, had two kids (girl / boy) with her, divorced, and married another lady and had one girl with her. The reasons and history leading up to this, was never made known to me.

Nevertheless, they had all kinds of hellish problems. The son, ended up becoming and alcoholic, and was holding up quick-marts. End in prison for years. Thus far, I haven't seen him in over two decades. No one knows for sure how he's doing.

The girl, ended up bouncing around from guy to guy to guy, dropped out of college, got married, divorced, stole from her parents, ended up having physical fights with her parents. Often refused to be associated with them, and disappeared for years.

The other girl, the child they had between them, that never knew divorce or 'step' anything, turned out fine. Got a degree in college, married a guy, has a nice family today. Wonderful person.

Coincidence? Possibly... but I've heard similar stories from dozens of people. I'm glad your family turned out ok. But I would still advice against it. Smoking doesn't guarantee cancer, but it sure ups the chances. So does blending families up the chances of crazy.

 

[MeBelle]

Most women find me difficult, because I don't beat around the bush, I don't play "the game" and I am unbelievably direct. Either they like it or they don't. Pffft. After one marriage, I sure as hell am not looking for a 2nd.

Thanks for the kind words.

No games? SOME games are fun.

Dating and sex has been a "game" since before humans were human. It's a game by design - even animals follow courtship "rules."

There are NO rules in love and war!

I agree with your assesment ChrisL! Especially when long term relationships evolve and 'outsiders', who don't care nor try to understand, apply their own set of rules yet break the 'rules' they personally claim adherance to. ''They" end up living a double life filled with double standards. But I'm sure 'they' are very happy moving the goal posts as they see fit.

 

[Unkotare]

Most women find me difficult, because I don't beat around the bush....

Stop kidding yourself. They find you to be an obnoxious loser.

























They are correct.

 

[ChrisL]

Most women find me difficult, because I don't beat around the bush, I don't play "the game" and I am unbelievably direct. Either they like it or they don't. Pffft. After one marriage, I sure as hell am not looking for a 2nd.

Thanks for the kind words.

No games? SOME games are fun.

Dating and sex has been a "game" since before humans were human. It's a game by design - even animals follow courtship "rules."

There are NO rules in love and war!

I agree with your assesment ChrisL! Especially when long term relationships evolve and 'outsiders', who don't care nor try to understand, apply their own set of rules yet break the 'rules' they personally claim adherance to. ''They" end up living a double life filled with double standards. But I'm sure 'they' are very happy moving the goal posts as they see fit.

You also should watch out for people who want to set "rules" for you. That's scary. Lol!