my mother has stage 5 alzheimer's...learn with me...

[saveliberty]

Add TP to her list and don't complain if it isn't your brand. Everybody uses two-ply quilted right?

 

[saveliberty]

Make yourself some index cards that saying the following and put by your mirror. Read them at least twice a day.

1. The insanity is coming from the outside, not from me.
2. I am doing a fantastic job of keeping Mom safe and cared for.
3. I can't help others if I am too tired or stressed.
4. I did a lot of things right, I have a good husband, son and friends.
5. Check for TP before leaving the house.

 

[saveliberty]

No weekend updates from HB. I'm nervous.

 

[Foxfyre]

She's around. Maybe no news is good news? And sometimes you just have to focus on something else for awhile or you go crazy.

 

[strollingbones]

where to start? it has been a rollar coaster ride. we had the interium trial....when well....mother called me names..told them they could kiss her ass and walked out. we were all stunned...i had like a half a minute to be stunned then had to go get her....she would not come back....she cursed me like a sailor..then we got her to talk..and it went down hill from there...she accused me of steaing from her....now remember she is saying what her sister is calling and telling her...a major issue was i did not have the orginial durable power of attorney....dpoa from now on...you can only file an orginial and you can only enforce on e that has been filed....so now for lack of this....i am screwed...i had copies....many many copies....her sister and brother are contesting the guardianship.....i gave my attorney a nice fat retainier...so now i find myself defending myself...against vague accusations.....i am meeting with banks....etc....so monday...there is a mix up and i miss her neuro appt. i am like what the hell....it was told july 28 th not june 28th....so i totally freak...now remember at this point...the courts and her sister and brother are looking at all i am doing...(well most likely really not but i have entered a totally paranoid stage) i have a total meltdown....but get a new appt..so i go to the bank....they only keep records for so long blah blah blah blah....so her sister and brother are meeting with their lawyer....blah blah blah....
so i am at a total loss...anything i find seems to make it worse...when i begin to look into a box of papers for banking stuff....i am paging thru it..going yea yea another couple of the damned dpoa....just what i need ...more copies....when the little sane voice...goes.....its not a copy....of course all the other voices are bitching and whining...and the little sane voice goes.....its not a copy....you have the orginial....

sane voice is right...so now what....my lawyer is in court....so then i find out my mothers brother and sister are in the area and have checked my mother out for lunch.....meltdown in ....5,...4....3...2...1

i freak and go file the dpoa and then have to meet with lawyer first thing tuesday morning. she wants to know why i filed it here....i am like...i dont know....it gave me purpose...she says.....it needs to be filed 4.5 hours away....can i get the hard copy etc....i go to the courthouse get the hard copy...we left at 11:30 am and got back about 10:30 pm. .. we made the filing at the place the attorney wanted.

she told me to call the minute i got it filed there....i did....i have no idea what is going on.....we only met long enough for her to tell me it needed to be filed in another county...and that its the "holy grail" her words not mine and that now she will dismiss the compantency hearing......now i read this thing on the way down east....i dont really have much of a clue...but i did understand the part where no court can set it aside nor can family interfer and that i am her attorney in fact.

soooooooooo here we are....i am not sure what is going on but apparently finding this dpoa is gonna make a major difference. i hope it is a good major difference.

i took mom to one of them fancy ice places 8 bucks for two cones.....8 bucks??? o well...she was happy....then she goes...this cone is plastic.....i reply....no mom its not....she insists it is....i ask her if she thinks i would feed her plastic..she says no.....gets quiet then goes...but this is plastic.....such is the new world i live in.

 

[Annie]

Oh Bones, I am so sorry for all of this family stuff. Seems too many spin apart rather than together under stress. Hopefully this will work out and sanity will return. If it does, make 3 copies at least of every damn paper. 1 for yourself. 1 for your attorney. 1 for your son in case both you and the attorney can't find. Perhaps for the time being, keep your copies, the ORIGINALS in a bank box.

I'll say a non-pagan prayer that family healing and peace come to you and yours. I hate when illness/death fracture families.

 

[editec]

okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....

my cousin called and demanded to speak to my mother while my mother was out with my son...then lost it with the staff...they are making such a good impression on the staff...accused them of not letting mom talk to anyone blah blah blah....

totally insane.....i dont know how i escaped this damned insanity of her family but i did...and i have decided that i must not let them yank me around anymore....its over....stick a fork in me i am done...
i will protect my mother from this craziness too...

i think she mostly wants to go decorate the graves and see her childhood friend...they went to high school together...so they have known each other for 65 years...i cant help but want her to see everyone she can see while she knows them....

yea i know the stuff that is gonna happen...i see it happening...she is like a wind up doll...going strong in the morning.....then just slowing down and getting confused....i see the coughing and the choking....i know what is happening...i know she will 'forget' how to swallow... i know that most die of pnemonia from inhaling liquids and food particles. i know then i will have to decide...a feeding tube or let my mom starve....i know all this ....and as much as i know it....when i hear or read it....it just hits me...a viseral feeling.....and the tears come....

I am working especially hard to live a lifestyle that will end with a sudden and fatal heart attack.

I come from a family that typically lives a very long life...and that ends with us being senile for quite some time, too.

I truly don't want to put my kid though having to take care of my in my doltage.

And to be perfectly honest I don't much want to force the living (that is to say the public, not necessarily just my kids) to pay for an extended period of me dying by inches and costing them a small fortune, either.

I watched my mother go that way, and it was the taxpayers who spend a fortune on her dying process.

It just ain't right.

 

[Annie]

okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....

my cousin called and demanded to speak to my mother while my mother was out with my son...then lost it with the staff...they are making such a good impression on the staff...accused them of not letting mom talk to anyone blah blah blah....

totally insane.....i dont know how i escaped this damned insanity of her family but i did...and i have decided that i must not let them yank me around anymore....its over....stick a fork in me i am done...
i will protect my mother from this craziness too...

i think she mostly wants to go decorate the graves and see her childhood friend...they went to high school together...so they have known each other for 65 years...i cant help but want her to see everyone she can see while she knows them....

yea i know the stuff that is gonna happen...i see it happening...she is like a wind up doll...going strong in the morning.....then just slowing down and getting confused....i see the coughing and the choking....i know what is happening...i know she will 'forget' how to swallow... i know that most die of pnemonia from inhaling liquids and food particles. i know then i will have to decide...a feeding tube or let my mom starve....i know all this ....and as much as i know it....when i hear or read it....it just hits me...a viseral feeling.....and the tears come....

I am working especially hard to live a lifestyle that will end with a sudden and fatal heart attack.

I come from a family that typically lives a very long life...and that ends with us being senile for quite some time, too.

I truly don't want to put my kid though having to take care of my in my doltage.

And to be perfectly honest I don't much want to force the living (that is to say the public, not necessarily just my kids) to pay for an extended period of me dying by inches and costing them a small fortune, either.

I watched my mother go that way, and it was the taxpayers who spend a fortune on her dying process.

It just ain't right.

I think most of us would prefer to keep our ability to think normally right to the end. Most would not want to be less than whole, through multiple strokes, heart ailments, cancer, etc. Sometimes though, these things happen.

They did with my mom. She was 'less than she had been' for more than 10 years. The last 4 years of her life; 3 in my house, with my dad and 24 hour nursing. Last year in nursing home. The changes with first stroke were perhaps the hardest. Stress from my divorce and problems my kids were having preceded that. Guilt was horrendous. My dad chose to move her to FL to get her away from the situation. They had some good times, she recovered for the most part. My brother and I and our families visited quite a lot. My folks came in for the holidays.

A few more years, lots of TIA's and then a broken hip required them to move back. Most of the problems with the kids were resolved and for a year she lived with my brother, in his ranch home-easier with hip rehab. Then the hip broke again.

That's when they moved in with me. By this time, she was confined to a wheel chair and while she would read a newspaper-it took all day. She had always been a voracious reader of papers and newsmagazines. She did however manage to keep track of politics. She wasn't the same mom, not at all. Always small, she went down to under 70 lbs by the end. However, in her 3rd month in the nursing home, she got in a fight with another wheel chair bound 200 lb women, dragging her out of her chair. The woman had taken a doll, (baby) from a women with Alzheimer's.

We have some very fond memories of my mom, even during those last years. Funny how her personality, if not abilities shown through. Her very helplessness helped in ways that would not have been possible to make my youngest son a very caring person.

You just never know where gifts will come from.

 

[AllieBaba]

okay i meet with the lawyer...she is very nice and took time to listen...course at those rates...she can afford to take her time....lol....tomorrow is the first hearing..where they expect me to be appointed the interium guardian....her lawyer meet with her today....

my cousin called and demanded to speak to my mother while my mother was out with my son...then lost it with the staff...they are making such a good impression on the staff...accused them of not letting mom talk to anyone blah blah blah....

totally insane.....i dont know how i escaped this damned insanity of her family but i did...and i have decided that i must not let them yank me around anymore....its over....stick a fork in me i am done...
i will protect my mother from this craziness too...

i think she mostly wants to go decorate the graves and see her childhood friend...they went to high school together...so they have known each other for 65 years...i cant help but want her to see everyone she can see while she knows them....

yea i know the stuff that is gonna happen...i see it happening...she is like a wind up doll...going strong in the morning.....then just slowing down and getting confused....i see the coughing and the choking....i know what is happening...i know she will 'forget' how to swallow... i know that most die of pnemonia from inhaling liquids and food particles. i know then i will have to decide...a feeding tube or let my mom starve....i know all this ....and as much as i know it....when i hear or read it....it just hits me...a viseral feeling.....and the tears come....

I am working especially hard to live a lifestyle that will end with a sudden and fatal heart attack.

I come from a family that typically lives a very long life...and that ends with us being senile for quite some time, too.

I truly don't want to put my kid though having to take care of my in my doltage.

And to be perfectly honest I don't much want to force the living (that is to say the public, not necessarily just my kids) to pay for an extended period of me dying by inches and costing them a small fortune, either.

I watched my mother go that way, and it was the taxpayers who spend a fortune on her dying process.

It just ain't right.

Ahem..it's "dotage" not "doltage". Though possibly for you it could be both!

Dealing with aged parents is and has always been a part of life. Yes it would be nice if they would just go away when they become a burden, but they don't. It's a stage of life just like adolescence, young adulthood, middle age. My mom is 76 and we're looking it down the throat right now. She's not likely to get Alzheimer's, nobody in my family has had it to my knowledge; but she can be very, VERY unpleasant, is always negative, cruel, and a control freak. So under the best of circumstances she can be trying. But it's just one of those things. She'll come to stay with me sometime in the near future, and we'll muddle through somehow.

 

[Foxfyre]

My mom had most of her marbles through the diagnosis all the way through all the ugliness until cancer finally took her life. In a way that was almost worse because she knew what was happening and she fought it the whole way.

With Hubby's mom and dad--PaPaw was diagosed with Alzheimers but the long goodbye was relatively short--a little over two years. With MaMaw it took 20 years of gradual onset dementia--not really Alzheimers but the net effect was much the same. She died peacefully after slipping into deep sleep for three days--on her 100th birthday, with her family around her.

Now it is Hubby's older brother and his wife. Brother is beginning to ever so subtly show the first stages of dementia. Wife's family is not so prone to that but she suffered a bad stroke something over a year ago and recpvered okay physically but is severely mentally impaired. Her short term memory is shot--she will forget what she said or did two minutes earlier. She needs to be in a supervised place to be sure she doesn't do something to hurt herself and now the brother is almost incapacitated after a fall and compression fracture in his back. Of course the family is torn and divided on what should happen but no food fights.

I wouldn't trade our problems for HB's situation. But if good vibes across the distances help, they're still going out.

 

[JimH52]

OMG

I am so sorry you are going through all this. Please keep the faith and hang in there. I know you are doing all that you can do. God Bless!

Editec, I too am hoping for a quick exit from this life. My dad just laid down on this bed and died. I had one uncle who fell over while shaving and I had another who died while he was driving and the car just idled to a stop. They were all in their 80s. I want to go quickly and not be a burden on anyone, well, other than the burden that I am now...

 

[saveliberty]

The cone tasted like plastic because your drying up like a prune Mom. Drink some frigging water already! Sounds like you can use a smaller table at the Holidays thanks to the relatives screwing themselves. Glad the sane self showed up the other day. I TOLD you she was there the whole time. Take pictures when they arrest your relatives for trying to check out Mom next time. I want to see.

 

[strollingbones]

well seems the dpoa wrapped up the financial side totally...now the sister and brother just want guardianship of the person.....they say my mom wants to go to ga....sure when they tell her to say that...fuck em....my mom is staying with me....my attorney said....no legal goes quickly....so i am on wait and see again...i figure when they found out the cash and all is locked up tight...they couldnt just go....o well we will crawl back under our rock...they had to save face by saying they want guardianship of the person...the person is my mother...but i did not cry today nor did i let this really get to me...i had a good day with mom...we walked we went shopping...she insists on paying....i tell her its okay but she gives me a 20....i get change and give her back a 10.....so we go to kfc where we have to get two sides of mac/cheese....she gives me the 10....i pay the $4.63 and then dump the change in my purse...she informs me that is her money so i have to give her 6 bucks...such is my world....she is funny...the place had sale of 12 packs of cokes...buy 2..get 3 free...i now have 4 12 packs in my car....she told me just to sneak them in when i could....so from today she has....2 packs of ice cream....8 sammies in each box.....a 12 pk of diet coke and two sides of mac/cheese.....when i call at 7 pm to check on her....she will not have left her room and she will not have eaten supper....she swears those girls just lie to me...about her eating....she seems to be realizing she is not going home anytime soon....it still breaks my heart....today she was so clear and so much like my old mom....it was a good day.....and its these good days i will continue to fight for..thank yall for the prayers and the best wishes.....thanks for making me keep a sense of humour

 

[strollingbones]

it has been 2 months and some weeks since my last post, some of you know what was going on....some of you have ask...here goes...

I took my mother to doctors non stop...once the guardianship was file..the durable power of attorney is voided...i will have to report to the court and i had to be bonded....no worries....in a way its kinda reassuring..that much money is tempting....real tempting and we all have a dark side.

medical reports confirmed she has dementia....let me tell you the fits she tossed....we are walking out of hardees and she if fuck you...fuck this...i told her to use her inner voice...she told me to fuck myself...nice mom real nice..she simply refused to take the tests....told her that was not going to help her case...now i have a lawyer, she has a lawyer and the fucking sister has a lawyer..total cost $575.00 an hour for all 3...anyways i am being accused of stealing from her...of trying to keep her locked up so forth and so on ...and of course while i am taking her to doctors and all...they are being all charm and sweetness....

look all they wanted was to have her declared incompetant...then they can have her change her will etc..which she did tell me she was disowning me. so i had to have my mother declared incompetent...
never do it...i dont care...just never do it..she will forget it ..the trial etc....i never will....it was the hardest thing i have ever done and i have buried very close friends....but this tore me up..and i couldnt really show it...i had to be hard core on the stand. her lawyer asks her to id people in the court room.....she told them i was her sister...she couldnt tell them she would dial 911 in an emergency..nor did she know the date or what week it was....who was president etc...it was sad and humilating...to her...this is a proud woman who has lived a life of hard work, saving etc....she walked to her job after 9/11 when she could have stayed home....(she was in civil service at ft. bragg) she is cold and mean at best but i always knew she would kill for me...and she has always come thru....sometimes on the sketchy side but doing the best she could.

so she is declared incompetent...i really dont think that is the correct spelling...anyways....that is part one...then we go to part two? who gets guardianship...now the dpoa is in place and they have to drop the guardianship of the estate and just go for guardianship of the person...o hell...of course my mother is all about them..they are telling her just what she wants to hear...me....not so much...i am the child she wished she never had and she is very vocal about it....o talk about hell....it was hell

some of it was just amazingly crazy...what would be crazy you ask...o her brother offering me 200k for my mother...o yes..this happened in open court..we were all stunned....but the judge told everyone that morning....due to emotions in the court room he would not rule that day. well isnt that grand....

so now i have to wait..days...i mean days....to find out.....i got guardianship of my mother....both estate and person....the whole ball game....

then my mother's sister lawyer tells my lawyer they are appealing the incompetancy part of the hearting...that is all they can appeal....my world crashed...i told my lawyers para legal that i couldnt do it again...i wouldnt do it again....it was like my whole life crashed on me....my husband was so angry he was shaking like a jack hammer...he just wanted to make someone pay ....now keep in mind that the minute the trial was over...i pulled up a chair and told my mother's sister that i would work with her...i emailed her....about letting my mother spend time with her in ga...et.....suddenly my lawyer goes and tells me they are not appealing...they are afraid if the were to appeal and lose that i wouldnt allow them any contact...so 5 pm passes...the deadline...so that is over....whew...i actually exhaled...

then the bond...i had to be bonded for my mother's estate which is larger than most underwriters can do. i have worked with several agents.....since 9/02 as soon as i got the paperwork from the clerk i started trying to find bond. while monday my lawyer calls and tells me to go see this lady downtown..and to get this done...hello i am trying...well i called the clerk of court today and told them the bond wasnt going well....what other avenues do i have? o none you say? again i am mired in the hell of all this....

then at 1:30 PM....i got bonded...its over people....i have guardianship of estate and more importantly of my mom. (the person)

i have been accused of all kinds of stuff....i loved when they found out...i had not touched my mother's stocks and bonds...had there been this up close and personal relationship...they would have know that my mom stock broker and i went to high school together blah blah blah....they tryed to make a big deal out of me buying a used car..that failed...

so here i am..for the first time in months where i dont feel like the weight of the world is on me....i have almost forgotten what emotions are. i have become very numb to all of this. i kinda got the attitude ..this is what has to be done, i have to do it...dont fucking get in my way....then dealing with suits...all these people determing my fate and my mom's fate.

now about mom...she is beginning to settle a wee bit....she is not being told she is going home by her sister or that they will all pay me back for what i have done to her. i let her go with them this past weekend and she seemed to have had fun. i dont get this sibling crap but if it makes her happy i will do it.

she has a hard mass on her left kidney. they are just gonna watch that...now i am going to drink heavily....

thanks

 

[strollingbones]

and you have no clue of the stuff i left out.

a lot of the time...i am so disconnected....i feel like i am watching a drama that does not really involve me...i am more the state manager...i feel oddly indifferent, cold and hard. i wonder now if that will pass with time or will i harden more?

 

[saveliberty]

Your love has been tested and you have done the good and right things all the way through. Figure out where Bones begins and ends. Then fit da man, kiddo and Mom in, in that order. Some assembly required.

Okay, enough with the serious stuff from me. That isn't my job here. So, why leave out all the important things like did you figure out how to get downstairs? Does Mom still want Dove bars? Any fun interactions with store clerks? Come on, spill.

 

[Foxfyre]

Just leaving Bones a hug. I have a vivid imagination for all that was left out.

 

[strollingbones]

yes she still goes downstairs....she was down to 5 ice creams yesterday so we went and got more..she insists she wants mac/cheese instead of mac salad...when in reality she eats mac salad....she has developed a taste for pricey breads...4 bucks a loaf....

i think she is beginning to realize how bad her memory is...she admits she cant really use her cell phone anymore....she knew how but as she says.....'she has forgotten'

while she was gone...they replaced the towel racks in her room...and i put in a new mattress and box springs and had a terrible chair removed...she didnt notice the chair being gone....so i mention that they have upgraded the towel racks and she goes 'and they took my damned chair' and put a headboard on the bed....etc...the headboard has always been there.....

and on the upside she wants to have lunch there....we have not figured that one out yet...if i call her and tell her i am coming by...she goes....make it after lunch okay?

 

[saveliberty]

Did the lunch staff start talking with French accents? Maybe they just started serving burritos and she figures its self defense.

 

[trams]

Bless you Bones. I am proud of you for sticking it out so the right thing was done.