Discussion in 'Humor' started by uscitizen, Aug 23, 2010.

  1. uscitizen

    uscitizen Senior Member

    May 6, 2007
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    My Shack

    Enjoy a good laugh!

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word,

    taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of

    staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you



    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

    Can I get a new attorney?


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ______________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead


    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a


    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No .

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,


    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

    practicing law.
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1

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