Lawyers

Discussion in 'Humor' started by uscitizen, Aug 23, 2010.

  1. uscitizen
    Offline

    uscitizen Senior Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Messages:
    45,941
    Thanks Received:
    4,791
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    My Shack
    Ratings:
    +4,807
    IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS
    IS PRICELESS!





    Enjoy a good laugh!



    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

    things people actually said in court, word for word,



    taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of

    staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..

    ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

    forgot?

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his

    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

    Can I get a new attorney?

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ______________________________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

    people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

    What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

    pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No .

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

    nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

    practicing law.
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1

Share This Page