Have you been Married?... Divorced?... What's your History?

[mal]

I carried a tremendous amount of guilt after divorce from #1. Then I chanced upon a newspaper article titled "The 7 signs of emotional abuse". I thought my god that's exactly what I put up with for 13 years. I felt vindicated.

What were the Grounds for Divorce, if you don't Mind me Asking?...



peace...

Yeah well.... I did the Stray Cat Strut for two years. We tried to reconcile, and at one point I was resolved to straighten up. I then realized the best I could hope for was to get the marriage back to where it was- a disaster. To know my ex was to know her dad- an overbearing verbally and emotionally (sometimes physically) abusive nut job. Nah, it was a blessing in disguise. I was heartbroken for the kids, but leaving that marriage saved my life. I was on the fast track to a stroke or heart attack. I know two wrongs don't make it right but that chick was beyond mean- from day one.

Damn...



peace...

 

[Emma]

I interviewed a police chief who was retiring after decades, and I asked him the one thing he had learned from all those years that surprised him. His answer...

"How hard it is for abused women to get out of an abusive relationship." He said even though he was a veteran officer by the time he was a chief, he always had the attitude that if a woman was abused, and wanted out of the relationship, she'd just go. He had disgust for women who kept going back.

He said as a chief and seeing so many cases of DV, he came to the realization that it is a heartbreaking and often impossible step for a woman to take. Not only are they MOST at risk when they leave, they have to deal with either leaving the kids behind with someone they fear might hurt the kids or prevent them from seeing them, or taking the kids out of the home with nothing..no money, no transportation, nowhere to go, and depend upon complete strangers or family to support them until they are able to become self sufficient.

And they generally have barriers. They may be missing teeth (try to get a job missing your front teeth), they may have psychological and physical issues, they may have addiction issues and fear issues and social issues.

I deal with the attitude from my co-workers almost every day. We have money available to help DV victims become safe...but over and over I see my co-workers deny this money to women because they want money to move into an apartment in the same city...where they're families are, and according to the workers, this won't make these women "more safe" so they deny the funds. It makes me so mad I could spit. How is it more safe to require the women to leave the country....they can be traced, they can be found. Our own workers have idiotically given out location specifics to "secret shoppers" who are testing our practices. How many more times has it happened when the actual abusers are after the information?

Anyway. I could go on and on. It gives me a fucking rash, though. Glad you got out, I'm glad for anyone who gets out.

I've lived it. It's the most helpless, hopeless feeling imaginable. Being someone's punching bag is one thing; the mental abuse is far, far worse and (IMO) is never healed completely. Not only could I not see any possible means of escape, he'd beat me down to the point I believed I wasn't smart enough or capable or worthy to even try.

He convinced me I was a totally worthless piece of shit. I don't know that I believed I deserved to be abused, and I didn't blame myself--- i.e. that only if I were a better [wife, lover, companion, person] he'd stop. I knew he'd never stop. And he convinced me that as bad as he was (unlike the 'typical' abuser, he never felt remorse for what he did, never apologized), I'd get the same from anyone else... and they'd never stop either.

It's hard to describe and if you haven't lived it, it's nearly impossible to understand.

To this day, I have no idea what triggered me to leave. And even so, it wasn't really leaving. I left the state to attend nursing school with the full intent on going back after I graduated. It's a testament to how deeply I'd sunk, and how utterly complete his control was over me that he never once doubted I'd return--- except for his warning that if I didn't, he'd find me and kill me. I knew he meant it. Even 27 years later, that fear is always there. I don't think about it (until I get into discussions like this lol), but just typing this out I'm starting to shake.

I was out of school and working in my first job (not yet having returned, but trying to earn enough to go back, as crazy as that sounds). I don't recall what we were talking about one night at work, but I must have said something about him (not the physical abuse; no one knew of that) that a co-worker picked up on his emotional abuse and control over me. She looked me in the eye and said "You deserve better than that."

This was a woman who wasn't a friend; she barely knew me. But NO one, not even those over the time I was with him who I knew suspected the abuse had ever said that to me. No one had ever told me I deserved better. It seems rather simplistic, but that comment hit me like a ton of bricks.... and it was the turning point.

I moved to VA to be with my parents while I went to school for my RN. In 1992, ten years after I'd left him to attend LPN school, I was still married to him. I'd never attempted to get a divorce, because I was certain he'd come after me, and I did not want him to know where I lived.

I decided to buy a house; at the time, I couldn't do so unless I was divorced. Being 'separated' was not allowed. So I saw an attorney, told my story and was adamant that he NOT find out where we were. The attorney said by law he had to serve him, but would do so in a manner that would guarantee he wouldn't actually be served. Since I didn't know his (then) current address, they'd serve it to him without an address, and that the officials wouldn't try to find him.

Well, he wasn't counting on the fact that the local law enforcement knew of his whereabouts, as he'd been in trouble numerous times. They took it right to him.

I came home a few days later to a frantic call from the attorney who'd received a call from him demanding to know where I was, why I was divorcing him, and promising to *get* my daughter, too.

The schools were instructed under no circumstances was anyone but myself allowed to remove her from school or pick her up from any school event. No matter what ID or documentation they showed, no matter if they thought they recognized them as a family member, no matter what my daughter had to say.

So I was living in terror all over again; 10 years after I'd left and over 1000 miles away. I felt I'd never get away from him.

After she became an adult, my fear subsided. Until within the last year or so, when his SISTER hunted her down through the internet and began harassing her for info on how to contact her, her address, phone number, etc. I am certain he put his sister up to this. My daughter has never responded to her, and never has acknowledged her in any way, but she has continued. The most recent being just within the past couple of months.

27 years and they still won't let go.

 

[Soggy in NOLA]

Gee.. my ex-wife just couldn't keep her pants on after a few drinks. I thought she was bad...

 

[mal]

I interviewed a police chief who was retiring after decades, and I asked him the one thing he had learned from all those years that surprised him. His answer...

"How hard it is for abused women to get out of an abusive relationship." He said even though he was a veteran officer by the time he was a chief, he always had the attitude that if a woman was abused, and wanted out of the relationship, she'd just go. He had disgust for women who kept going back.

He said as a chief and seeing so many cases of DV, he came to the realization that it is a heartbreaking and often impossible step for a woman to take. Not only are they MOST at risk when they leave, they have to deal with either leaving the kids behind with someone they fear might hurt the kids or prevent them from seeing them, or taking the kids out of the home with nothing..no money, no transportation, nowhere to go, and depend upon complete strangers or family to support them until they are able to become self sufficient.

And they generally have barriers. They may be missing teeth (try to get a job missing your front teeth), they may have psychological and physical issues, they may have addiction issues and fear issues and social issues.

I deal with the attitude from my co-workers almost every day. We have money available to help DV victims become safe...but over and over I see my co-workers deny this money to women because they want money to move into an apartment in the same city...where they're families are, and according to the workers, this won't make these women "more safe" so they deny the funds. It makes me so mad I could spit. How is it more safe to require the women to leave the country....they can be traced, they can be found. Our own workers have idiotically given out location specifics to "secret shoppers" who are testing our practices. How many more times has it happened when the actual abusers are after the information?

Anyway. I could go on and on. It gives me a fucking rash, though. Glad you got out, I'm glad for anyone who gets out.

I've lived it. It's the most helpless, hopeless feeling imaginable. Being someone's punching bag is one thing; the mental abuse is far, far worse and (IMO) is never healed completely. Not only could I not see any possible means of escape, he'd beat me down to the point I believed I wasn't smart enough or capable or worthy to even try.

He convinced me I was a totally worthless piece of shit. I don't know that I believed I deserved to be abused, and I didn't blame myself--- i.e. that only if I were a better [wife, lover, companion, person] he'd stop. I knew he'd never stop. And he convinced me that as bad as he was (unlike the 'typical' abuser, he never felt remorse for what he did, never apologized), I'd get the same from anyone else... and they'd never stop either.

It's hard to describe and if you haven't lived it, it's nearly impossible to understand.

To this day, I have no idea what triggered me to leave. And even so, it wasn't really leaving. I left the state to attend nursing school with the full intent on going back after I graduated. It's a testament to how deeply I'd sunk, and how utterly complete his control was over me that he never once doubted I'd return--- except for his warning that if I didn't, he'd find me and kill me. I knew he meant it. Even 27 years later, that fear is always there. I don't think about it (until I get into discussions like this lol), but just typing this out I'm starting to shake.

I was out of school and working in my first job (not yet having returned, but trying to earn enough to go back, as crazy as that sounds). I don't recall what we were talking about one night at work, but I must have said something about him (not the physical abuse; no one knew of that) that a co-worker picked up on his emotional abuse and control over me. She looked me in the eye and said "You deserve better than that."

This was a woman who wasn't a friend; she barely knew me. But NO one, not even those over the time I was with him who I knew suspected the abuse had ever said that to me. No one had ever told me I deserved better. It seems rather simplistic, but that comment hit me like a ton of bricks.... and it was the turning point.

I moved to VA to be with my parents while I went to school for my RN. In 1992, ten years after I'd left him to attend LPN school, I was still married to him. I'd never attempted to get a divorce, because I was certain he'd come after me, and I did not want him to know where I lived.

I decided to buy a house; at the time, I couldn't do so unless I was divorced. Being 'separated' was not allowed. So I saw an attorney, told my story and was adamant that he NOT find out where we were. The attorney said by law he had to serve him, but would do so in a manner that would guarantee he wouldn't actually be served. Since I didn't know his (then) current address, they'd serve it to him without an address, and that the officials wouldn't try to find him.

Well, he wasn't counting on the fact that the local law enforcement knew of his whereabouts, as he'd been in trouble numerous times. They took it right to him.

I came home a few days later to a frantic call from the attorney who'd received a call from him demanding to know where I was, why I was divorcing him, and promising to *get* my daughter, too.

The schools were instructed under no circumstances was anyone but myself allowed to remove her from school or pick her up from any school event. No matter what ID or documentation they showed, no matter if they thought they recognized them as a family member, no matter what my daughter had to say.

So I was living in terror all over again; 10 years after I'd left and over 1000 miles away. I felt I'd never get away from him.

After she became an adult, my fear subsided. Until within the last year or so, when his SISTER hunted her down through the internet and began harassing her for info on how to contact her, her address, phone number, etc. I am certain he put his sister up to this. My daughter has never responded to her, and never has acknowledged her in any way, but she has continued. The most recent being just within the past couple of months.

27 years and they still won't let go.

That's a Tragic Story.



peace...

 

[Emma]

Yeah, but it doesn't preoccupy my thoughts although that may not be apparent by my post. When the subject comes up, I do think about all of this and acknowledge there is a worry in the back of my mind.

 

[mal]

Gee.. my ex-wife just couldn't keep her pants on after a few drinks. I thought she was bad...

Short and to the Point... Also makes my Mind go Imaginey...

Did you have any Kids?...



peace...

 

[mal]

Yeah, but it doesn't preoccupy my thoughts although that may not be apparent by my post. When the subject comes up, I do think about all of this and acknowledge there is a worry in the back of my mind.

Nobody could Possibly Expect to Keep a 27 Year Period out of their Thoughts...



peace...

 

[Emma]

Yeah, but it doesn't preoccupy my thoughts although that may not be apparent by my post. When the subject comes up, I do think about all of this and acknowledge there is a worry in the back of my mind.

Nobody could Possibly Expect to Keep a 27 Year Period out of their Thoughts...



peace...

I wasn't with him for 27 years.

It was ten years after I left when he made those threats through my attorney. It's now been 27 years since I left him, and he's again attempting contact with my daughter through his sister. Sorry, I wasn't really clear on that.

 

[G.T.]

Is it his daughter, also?

 

[Emma]

Is it his daughter, also?

Yes.

 

[G.T.]

Then I am torn.

 

[Emma]

Then I am torn.

I'm not. I'd kill him before I'd let him get near my daughter or her son.

I believe that men should have the right to be involved in their kids lives. Even as screwy as my daughter's ex is, he's not abusive and I feel he truly cares about the little one. But this sperm donor? Fuck no.

There are truly evil people in this world. Sadly, some of them are parents. And just because they ARE parents doesn't automatically give them the right to fuck with and fuck up their children's lives. And in this case, she's an adult. She has explicitly stated she has no desire to have any contact with him, ever. I never 'bad-mouthed' him to her as she was growing up. After she was grown and on her own, I did tell her he was physically and emotionally abusive. She doesn't know the details and doesn't need to know them; she trusts my judgement and although I've never told her she can't contact him I did tell her that in my opinion it would be bad news for her (and now her son) should she do so.

 

[G.T.]

I getcha.

 

[tigerbob]

Then I am torn.

I'm not. I'd kill him before I'd let him get near my daughter or her son.

I believe that men should have the right to be involved in their kids lives. Even as screwy as my daughter's ex is, he's not abusive and I feel he truly cares about the little one. But this sperm donor? Fuck no.

There are truly evil people in this world. Sadly, some of them are parents. And just because they ARE parents doesn't automatically give them the right to fuck with and fuck up their children's lives. And in this case, she's an adult. She has explicitly stated she has no desire to have any contact with him, ever. I never 'bad-mouthed' him to her as she was growing up. After she was grown and on her own, I did tell her he was physically and emotionally abusive. She doesn't know the details and doesn't need to know them; she trusts my judgement and although I've never told her she can't contact him I did tell her that in my opinion it would be bad news for her (and now her son) should she do so.

If he'd do it to you, he'd do it to your daughter as well. I wish you both well.

Do you get any sense that he imposes his will on his sister as well, or is she cut from the same cloth that he is?

 

[Emma]

Then I am torn.

I'm not. I'd kill him before I'd let him get near my daughter or her son.

I believe that men should have the right to be involved in their kids lives. Even as screwy as my daughter's ex is, he's not abusive and I feel he truly cares about the little one. But this sperm donor? Fuck no.

There are truly evil people in this world. Sadly, some of them are parents. And just because they ARE parents doesn't automatically give them the right to fuck with and fuck up their children's lives. And in this case, she's an adult. She has explicitly stated she has no desire to have any contact with him, ever. I never 'bad-mouthed' him to her as she was growing up. After she was grown and on her own, I did tell her he was physically and emotionally abusive. She doesn't know the details and doesn't need to know them; she trusts my judgement and although I've never told her she can't contact him I did tell her that in my opinion it would be bad news for her (and now her son) should she do so.

If he'd do it to you, he'd do it to your daughter as well. I wish you both well.

And my grandson.

Do you get any sense that he imposes his will on his sister as well, or is she cut from the same cloth that he is?

He was abusive to her and their mother.

His mom was (to put it bluntly) a crazy bitch. Even though he treated her like shit, and I am certain she was aware of his abuse toward me, she thought he could do no wrong and made it quite clear and even stated outright I wasn't 'good enough' for her baby.

She (and her mother) told everyone who'd listen that I was faking my pregnancy. I ended up having an abruption and going in for an emergency section. As they were prepping me for the surgery, she burst into the labor room (how she got in there, I'll never know) as the doc was telling me the baby was in danger and even with the c-section she may not make it. This mother in law from hell interrupted the doc and demanded that she be allowed to watch the surgery, because I was not really pregnant and she was finally going to have proof of that. Then she said, "and while you're in there, tie her goddamned tubes!"

I don't recall the doc's exact words, but it contained an impressive amount of profanity and she was dragged from the room. Because she didn't see my daughter emerge from my body, she never did believe I was ever pregnant.




BTW, anyone else conflicted on why I don't want my ex (or anyone in his family) to have contact with my daughter or her son?

 

[Polk]

Never married.

 

[mal]

Never married.

Against it?... Have any Prospects?...



peace...

 

[Polk]

Never married.

Against it?... Have any Prospects?...



peace...

Not against it. Just not quite to that point of my life yet. Other things I'd like to get done first.

 

[mal]

Never married.

Against it?... Have any Prospects?...



peace...

Not against it. Just not quite to that point of my life yet. Other things I'd like to get done first.

Understandable... The Wife and I Owned Property before we did it Right in God's Eyes...

The State already Viewed us as Married because of the things we had Done, including Property.

Definitely do NOT rush it... And do NOT do it because others are Against it...

If they have Proof she's a Prostitute and a Crackhead, then take that Evidence and RUN!...

As Funny as that Sounds... I Know somebody...



peace...

 

[RodISHI]

BTW, anyone else conflicted on why I don't want my ex (or anyone in his family) to have contact with my daughter or her son?

None at all. I fully understand.


I allowed my children to make their own choices when they were old enough to do so. He could only have supervised visits at first even though the children were teens by then. They did not know him. Although I had taken them every year to see his mother and his grandparents at least once per year he had never taken the time to see them.

My daughter decided she was moving out at 14 and going to live with her "real dad". I had grounded her for a month (to think now she is much tougher on her children than I was when it comes to punishments for bad behavior). She told me, "well no need to keep me grounded since I'm leaving anyhow". Told her no your still grounded while your under my roof. A week and a half later she was living in Chino, California. His newest wife spent thousands of dollars on her new clothes, her own tv, stereo and her new bedroom. Daughter thought that was all great. Until three weeks later when she called me crying. He had threw her out literally into the streets. I had my secretary call and cancel all my appointments and drove to California to pick her up.