for Sky and godspeaker: Steps to Forgiveness

Discussion in 'Religion and Ethics' started by emilynghiem, Mar 28, 2011.

  1. emilynghiem
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    emilynghiem Constitutionalist Supporting Member

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    Steps to Forgiveness

    Steps to Forgiveness

    1. Confront your emotional pain - your shock, fear, anger, and grief. Recognize that the hurt that has occurred may have been very unfair and that these steps are not meant to minimize the hurt involved.

    2. Realize that forgiveness can only be appropriate after you have processed out your fear, anger, and grief. However, also realize that you can set forgiveness as a goal in the future for your sake now! Recognize that to continue to dwell on the anger and resentment involved in the hurt will literally destroy your physical health, and cause you great mental suffering.

    New studies clearly show that anger and resentment doubled the risk of myocardial heart attacks in juices with previous coronary problems. Other studies indicate cancer and other deadly illnesses are also caused by anger and resentment. So be willing, for your sake, to begin to process out these deadly emotions as soon as possible.

    3. Understand that love is what you ultimately want for yourself from yourself.

    4. Understand that forgiveness does not condone or approve or forget the harmful acts; forgiveness does not allow yourself to be double fried. We forgive the doer, not the doing. Remembering this helps us to break harmful cycles of behavior.

    5. Realize that you are the only person responsible for your own feelings and for healing the hurt that is going on inside of you.

    6. Remember that you are so powerful that usually you had some part in what happened. Be willing to totally face up to that part and accept it without blame (to forgive and love that part).

    7. See this situation as an opportunity for healing and for growth. See that the other person involved has revealed to you through his or her actions where there was a wounded spot in you which needed healing.

    8. Start releasing anger, sadness, grief, and fear through the many processes, therapies and therapists available. Have a person to work with who can truly empathize with you, yet who can be objective and help you shift your perception from blame to healing.

    9. Decide to forgive. Even if this decision is half-hearted at first, it will probably lessen your hurt and anger immediately.

    Notice that this decision can be difficult because after you have processes out the anger, resentment and grief, you will have to give up the grudge - the being the "victim", the "being right" and making the other person "wrong". Notice that this is "superior" position which can be used to get a lot of self-righteous attention. Be willing, for your sake to have the courage to get off that "superior" position.

    10. Be willing to find a new way to think about the person who wronged you. What was his or her life like growing up? What was his or her life like at the time of the offense? What were this person's good points up to the time of the hurt? Notice you may not be able to see much good within until you have processed out your anger and/or grief or fear.

    11. Be aware that being forgiving is a courageous act on your part. It has nothing to do with whether the other person can admit they are wrong. You are forgiving to liberate yourself no matter what the other person decides to do.

    12. Be willing to do and learn whatever it takes to forgive. Commit to do processes, to read courageous stories of forgiveness, to write in journals, to see a therapist, to do training's, or to do whatever it takes to heal the wounds involved. Remember these wounds may be deeply tied to past hurts going back to your interactions with your parents. Resolve to follow them through for your total healing, even if it involves years of effort to heal. Remember that you are determined to find the true happiness and joy that true forgiveness can bring to your life.

    13. If you believe in a Higher Power, be willing to pray on this problem and to turn to this Higher Power for guidance and assistance in the forgiveness process.

    14. Accept the lessons involved in this incident - our lives are laboratories for learning. What have you learned from this event that is invaluable to you? Has some form of attachment to a belief or beliefs a position has caused you the pain involved? What belief or beliefs were involved?

    15. See that everything is okay; possibly perfect, as it is now.

    16. If you have the willingness and it is appropriate, seek feedback from the other person by being willing to say "I'm sorry that I did..." (whatever it is that you feel contributed to the problem).

    17. Regardless of what the other person does, work towards seeing them with love and goodness. Know that therefore love and goodness are thus flowing to you for your mental and physical health and well-being.
     
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  2. Sky Dancer
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    Sky Dancer BANNED

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    I am not into forgiveness, which is a christian concept. If I were into forgiveness, then I would say I forgive you for starting this presumptuous thread offering me unneeded and unasked for advice.

    Radical acceptance is more my schtick. Check into Tara Brach's website particularly the teaching on meditation and trauma healing.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2011
  3. syrenn
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    syrenn BANNED

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    So this is the 17 step program?


     
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  4. Sky Dancer
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    Sky Dancer BANNED

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    Apparently she thinks sky and godspeaker need her advice. There are many, many ways of working through trauma. Forgiveness implies it's ok terrible things happen. It's not.

    What can happen is an acceptance that things really were that bad, and they were hurtful, and developing a kindness toward all the places that hurt.

    I think it's crap and phony, this forgiveness. Some things are unforgivable because they are abominable. Do we forgive Hitler for the holocaust
    Are you going to tell the Jews they SHOULD forgive the Nazi's? Start a thread on that emmmy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2011
  5. syrenn
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    syrenn BANNED

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    LOL...you missed the bradgod.:cuckoo:
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2011
  6. emilynghiem
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    emilynghiem Constitutionalist Supporting Member

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    If you read the list,
    Forgiveness is NOT about condoning, denying or not acknowledging the wrong.
    It IS about acknowledging all that.

    It is just about agreeing NOT to carry the emotional burden of
    hatred or ill will toward that person, which only hurts the victim more!

    So I agree with what you said about "radical acceptance" (whether you call this just letting go, or just having equal compassion for all people regardless what they did or didn't do).

    Just NOT "deliberately holding on" to the burdens emotionally.
    That is what forgiveness is about, whatever you call it, whatever steps it takes to let go.

    If the pain is naturally there, that is not deliberately holding on.
    That part needs to be acknowledged and is not being denied.

    Only where someone refuses to let go of blaming someone consciously,
    that can cause continued pain and mental anguish TO THE VICTIM of the wrong,
    (by attaching negative energy blocking the natural flow of positive energy the mind or body normally uses to heal itself).

    So "unforgiveness" does not help the person heal already injured by the abuse or wrong.
    At most, it creates a wall to keep that person cut off until that person feels safe again.
    It may serve as temporary protection, like a scab, but at some point the wound needs to be able to breathe and heal freely and naturally, not blocked up and covered up by emotional attachments. These are natural reactions, but at some point they must let go.

    Sky, you already know all this, and I'm sorry it annoyed or insulted you so much which is never my intent.

    If you can post your words and your ways of "radical acceptance" that would be more beneficial. I'm sure there are more similarities as to what the end goal is.

    Where these methods agree are the most important anyway.
    I would love to read more of your way of teaching steps to healing and recovery.

    Each method helps different people in different situations.
    So whatever works, I believe people should be encouraged to try that!

    Thanks, Sky
    Yours truly,
    Emily
     
  7. AmericanFirst
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    AmericanFirst Gold Member

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    True forgiveness comes from God.
     
  8. syrenn
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    syrenn BANNED

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    So if you weren't trying to single them out, why call them out? Why not just name the thread the 17 step program for forgiveness?
     
  9. boedicca
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    boedicca Uppity Water Nymph Supporting Member

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    I don't care for the lack of symmetry of an odd number, and a Prime one at that.


    We need an 18th Step:

    18. Reward yourself for getting through Steps 1 - 17 with some incredibly delicious Dark Chocolate or a glass of Champagne. Daily.
     
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  10. syrenn
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    syrenn BANNED

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    I agree, some should never deserve to be forgiven....EVER!
     

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