mal
Diamond Member
Irritus College has educated republicans for nearly one hundred years, our goal has always been the same, prepare our students with the skills and the experience to keep the corporate status quo solidly profitable and republican. We provide our students with the tools for success and wealth, and a set of ideas that answer all the questions life gives to 'our' people, 'our Americans.' The curriculum provides the very best ideas of republican ideas past and present and prepares the student to be the same republican of the past into the future. A sampling of our core courses is listed below.
[This is an internal Irritus document and if revealed to the public will be denied and the messenger castigated by all the powers and means money can purchase and our media can make up.]
Republican Philosophy 101: No more complicated questions about why we are here, we know why we are here to support corporations and to make money. Face it future republicans, elections cost money and money comes from one place, our friends and benefactors. A favorite topic of the course is 'What's Wrong With Altruism,' an exposition of Ayn Rand's self interest as the only purpose and happiness in life. Self-interest, each persons pursuit of happiness without any concern for others, is a God given right and one that works best when valued above all else. Unimpeded individualism, unregulated corporate freedom, our philosophy.
Deception Spin Propaganda 101: In this course the student will learn how information can be modified and changed regardless of content or truth. Examples include deficits. While primarily the result of republican policy, learn how deficits can be blamed on your opponent. Learn how Reagan's Phone policy became 'free stuff' from Obama, and how lies about welfare can be started and repeated even when other media sources refute them with facts. Heritage Foundation and other corporate supported think tanks worked with Irritus to refine our spin tactics. Study how Assault weapons changed meaning and use in a updated lecture meant for today's America.
Words and Slogans 201: How about the new buzz word 'demographics,' great diversionary word and the excuse for any republican loss. Immigration is another great buzz word even with our immigrant past. Professor Sterculus PhD covers appropriate buzz words such as freedom, markets, constitution, redistributing wealth, entitlements, fiscally conservative, and other generalities. He also reviews dying phrases such as 'compassionate conservatism' and 'trickle down economics.' Words to avoid are covered: justice, truth, golden rule, fairness, reason and religious. Euphemisms that serve as cover for republican failures are outlined, and their uses in stump speeches articulated. As Lee Atwater noted years ago we must change our dog whistle words and phrases so that meaning is so vague only our own dogs, in a matter of speaking, hear the whistle. Learn how to avoid references to 'food stamps' while meaning food stamps. Tricky would be proud.
Flag Pins and Symbols 101: How to wear your pins, wave your flag, and place your hand over your heart even if your money is in foreign banks, hidden away in the Cayman Islands, or your company outsourced American jobs to a sweat shop in China. Placement of our flag on your status appealing foreign car is covered, and arguments about why you bought foreign are resolved and justly excused with Austrian economic theory.
Regulatory Maneuvering 101: Learn how to use public funds and public land to support private companies and use America's resources for private gain all the while appearing patriotic and concerned about America's future. Loopholes in environmental concerns are covered and explanatory reasons for pollution detailed. Global warming is detailed clearly as a plot against the free market and against corporate success.
Outsourcing 301: Learn how to use terminology that sounds meaningful but isn't related to the topic's underlying purpose. Corporations create their own reality, their own morality, our students are versed in 'it's not about you, it's about the corporation,' or 'the movement of work to China will help us continue the important work we do here at Colossal Corp Inc.' Colossal has hired high level people from AEI and Irritus students may find a suitable position there after graduation. Austrian economics provides the justificatory explanation. [Also check our Words and Slogans study courses]
Filibustering / Obstructionism Advanced Lessons: In this course you'll learn how to ask irrelevant questions, raise slippery slope arguments, defend the status quo, and waste vast amounts of time so as to stop any regulation or imposition on K street's financial backers. Practice is provided introducing the same bills with alternate explanations on why they are solutions for America. Witness Paul Ryan's introduction of the same bill with new and important reasons for passage of the same bill. Michele Bachmann gives a history lesson on why Obama is destroying America with that special reading of history only Michelle can provide.
Gerrymandering 201: Irritus is proud of its obstructionist tactics, when bills that do not support corporations or the wealthy are proposed in congress. It is essential the class of people who agree with our essential beliefs is aligned in such a way so that the largest number of our voting followers are placed together. How else could one get Ted Cruz, Sharon Angle, or that republican candidate who wasn't a witch. We've had some losses lately with too much honesty, but we are learning to stay away from rape, spaceships, aliens, conspiracies, and women's uteri, these complex topics show too clearly the lack of depth of our aspiring leaders.
Government as Cause / Problem 102: Students from Joe McCarthy to Ted Cruz and Alan West have learned how to stir the pot of dissent against government. Reagan lead the way, government interference in the working of corporations is covered and state's rights emphasized whenever federal law and regulation are unfavorable to our republican sponsors. It really doesn't matter that there are no longer communists except as business partners of Walmart in China, many of our rural republicans living in the remote cities in the mid west and south still believe. So mentioning 'the commies are coming' only helps. Use of socialist and socialism as covers for opposition to government is documented. This course covers the transitional change from 'love it or leave it' to the present use of government as problem. It helps to integrate notions of change with the fact nothing changes without republican and corporate approval.
Liberal Media 101: In this course you will study the war on the GOP, on conservatives, and on free market libertarians. MSM will remain the source of complicated and honest reporting and thus will always be the easy foe. If information does not fit a republican narrative of freedom and growth it is by default wrong. Aside from FOX and numerous corporate supported conservative talk shows, any attempt by Media to clarify a complex issue that disagrees with corporate talking points must be labeled liberal bias and thus marginalized. Fox media includes the highest number of Irritus graduates with Heritage, Cato, and AEI as places where our best students find work.
Free Market 101: This course covers any public attempt to control corporations. Positive outcomes are the working of the free market, negative outcomes the work of government. It is really that simple. Two credits are given for learning this mantra. Some of our students actually have it tattooed on their arm for quick reference.
Budgets, Deficits and Healthcare 101: Christian and religious principles must be modified if we are to be profitable in business. if someone mentions racism it must be converted into a slogan rather than a reality. Wars are patriotic, Wars create deficits but they support the corporate complex of the defense industry and provide after college and after congress job opportunities. Let's keep that in mind and remind our libertarian brethren. Ryan's Budget attempts may hurt the lesser among us, but this could help incentivise them to work harder or even provide them placement in privately owned prison facilities, another one our many benefactors and a growth business in America.
Tax Avoidance 101: This course is a hands on tax consultant taught course. Students bring their savings and piggybanks to class and consultants through modeling examples show them where they can hide their capital from taxes and Uncle Sam. Later in the course money is deposited in foreign nations, places like the Cayman Islands, Dominican Republic, and Switzerland. This prepares our students for life as a established republican, and even a retired republican benefactor of other republicans, and of course our school.
Freedom and Guns - Extended Class: This course covers the complexity of the often inconsistent approaches required for freedom. Freedom as we know covers lots of bases for republicans. While the 2nd Amendment is about a regulated militia that format does not work for the profit class. America has lots of guns and lots of death, but in a real sense these both contribute to our goals and ideology. Money is made in purchase and money is made in death, and money is received from our support of guns and our cries of a loss of freedom. Whenever regulation is mentioned more money pours in to republican coffers. This topic is a win win for republicans in most areas of America. Always remember when stuck for an answer, freedom followed by States rights, is always the answer.
Gay Marriage: We needed to adjust our focus on this issue, our goal in life is profit and gays buy too. So in this course you'll learn how to address rural folk and how to address city folk. City people may actually know gay people, rural folk only know their neighbor and they ain't gay or at least openly gay. Rural people get all their news from Fox, Rush Limbaugh, and other right wing media. So address your audience accordingly and when on national TV talk about your own marriage and how happy you are. If you are gay, just say you haven't found the right one yet. Use words like tradition, family, and children. 'One man one woman is so American, just like apple pie,' sounds so nice.
Rape Contraceptives Abortion 101: Here's a real life example of how an unprepared republican can get in trouble. The aspirin between the legs didn't go over well, nor did the many exculpatory discussions of types of rape. It is important we test the waters and find common ground before venturing forth in this area. Our teachers bring together religion and rhetoric so the answers bring forth memories of bible study and children. We blend these in such a way that giving birth becomes a woman's greatest freedom. Women make up the majority of voters and while this topic (abortion) is important to our base constituency, we have to find an ambiguous ground in which it's hard to figure out what we are supporting or even what we are saying. 'Mumbling made Simple' is an elective and required for candidates on the national stage. Rick Santorum provides a video conference lesson.
Science Creationism Global Warming: While an elective students flock to this course for fun and speculation. The more science oriented student may want to avoid it but remember much of our base believes this stuff thus we must give them fodder for conversation and dialogue. Science projects can also hurt business: consider acid rain, water pollution, toxic chemicals and global warming. Irritus approaches them from the business person's profit point of view. The Flintstones and Ark building are favorite areas of study and participation. Dead forests are shown as a revival of God's plans. A trip to 'Ark Encounter, Kentucky's Creationist Theme Park is also scheduled.
Entertaining Wealthy / Corporate Sponsors 110: This course was added in 2012 after an unfortunate republican was videotaped outlining genuine republican feelings about the working class in America. Being taped speaking honestly can be a big problem and thus we cover technologies and scanning devices to block and disguise our people. Public pronouncements must never stray from our fundamental slogan terms: liberty, freedom, free market, individualism, growth, patriotism, constitution, and responsibility. We know we didn't build it, but let's not get ourselves in trouble with actual history or our true sentiments. Always remember lots of these lower class workers and jobless vote republican. Remember your whistle words, but use them judiciously and off record.
Irritus College is expanding to Southeast Asia and other locations where wages are low. Just like Walmart and Mitt we believe in cheap labor that creates big profits. Our slogan and theme song: small government, less regulation, lower taxes, growth, patriotism, constitutional principles, and freedom are all you need to know to be a well educated republican. We must adhere to these principles as Ronald Reagan proclaimed, and while we know Reagan was not perfect, history doesn't really matter so long as profits are up. Remember our mantra when in doubt it's the liberal Main Stream Media, or communists and socialists who are trying to transform our nation's values. Our goal must be to modify minds and modify them so they know the real value of American freedom: making money for our people.
Job Placement on K street, the Heritage Foundation, Fox, Cato, or AEI is guaranteed when you have a degree from Irritus College. Our students are the prepared ones, they have the correct answer regardless of the question. We realize these think tanks are not really about thinking, their task is creating ideas that support corporations and muddy the water of rational thinking people. The propagation of these ideas pays very well if our students can't get a cushy job in the legislatures of state or federal governments. We hope to see you soon. Our semester cost structure will be updated in 2013.
Irritus is constantly updating our curriculum so please check often for later updates.
You couldn't pay me enough money to read that...
peace...
