Dial M for Mischief By Gene Weingarten, The Washington Post January 30, 2005 As I see it, if God didn't want me to harass customer service reps, He wouldn't have put those toll-free numbers for "comments or questions" on product packages. Johnson & Johnson's RoC Skin Care Products Me: Does your anti-cellulite cream work on anyone? I am 5-foot-4, 343 pounds. Susan: Well, it diminishes cellulite. Me: When I am naked, I look like a walnut the size of a rhinoceros. If I use this product conscientiously, will it make me look buff and svelte? Susan: Me: Susan, do I hear you laughing? Susan: No, sir. Me: So will this work for me? Susan: It may. Me: You don't sound really sure. Susan: I can't guarantee it will make you fabulous-looking. Pringles Potato Chips Me: You know how Pringles are shaped like saddles? Seema: Yes! Me: Well, I have a marketing idea. What if Pringles had a cartoon character, riding a horse, and he had a large behind, which would not only be appropriate to the product but would call attention to the saddle, which would be a Pringle? Seema: That's a great idea. I know corporate would love to hear it. Just go to the corporate Web site, and . . . Me: But I want to tell you. The character could have a name. Seema: I'll definitely pass it along. Thank you. At times, Procter & Gamble contacts customers about new products or special offers. Would you like to be contacted if . . . Me: He could be named "Buster Artery." Fleischmann's Yeast Me: Have you noticed that "yeast" becomes "Yeats" by transposing two letters? Emily: It does! Me: Now, yeast is about rising, and one of Yeats's most famous poems is, too: I will arise and go now / And go to Innisfree, / And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made: / Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee, / And live alone in the bee-loud glade. Do you see what I am saying? Emily: I'm not sure. Me: I was thinking that Fleischmann's could transform its advertising efforts into a celebration of the work of W.B. Yeats, the keeping of bees and the cultivation of string beans. Emily: That's an interesting thought. Me: Or you could forget all that and go with a Viagra-type slogan: "Trouble rising? Try Fleischmann's Yeast!" Sanitary Products Me: I have a question about your Maxi Pads, but I have to say right at the start that I am very nervous about this, and I don't want to cause any offense. Cindy: Okay. Me: I was looking at this product in the store, and it said it had a "leak-lock" feature, which I totally understand, but it also said it has the "Shh-quietest pouch." Cindy: Uh-huh. Me: My question is, and I mean this very respectfully, do women have some sort of problem with noise from that particular region? Cindy: Me: . . . Because I was unaware of anything like that. Cindy: It is a quieter-opening pouch the pad is enclosed in. Women prefer something quiet when opening the packaging. Me: Whew! That makes me feel a lot better. Cindy: Well, good! Schick Razors Me: I have an idea for you. Carrie: Okay. Me: I've noticed that women's razors tend to be pastel-colored and have really girly names like the Gillette "Venus" and the "Lady ShaveMs." But I was delighted to see the Schick "Intuition" goes past all that and is celebrating a female character trait. Carrie: Right! Me: I was wondering if Schick has considered broadening this concept. For example, the Schick "Crying at the Drop of a Hat." Carrie: Me: Or the Schick "If you Don't Know What You Did Wrong, I Won't Tell You." Visine Eye Drops Me: Can Visine be used for a hangover? Eileen: It does relieve red eyes from dilated blood vessels, so I would think so. Me: How about from smoking controlled substances? Eileen: Well, really anything that might cause eye irritation. Me: How about from snorting crystal methamphetamine and crushed hydrocodone through an empty Bic pen fuselage? Eileen: Me: Hello?