Dial M for Mischief

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Adam's Apple, Feb 7, 2005.

  1. Adam's Apple
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    Adam's Apple Senior Member

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    Dial M for Mischief
    By Gene Weingarten, The Washington Post
    January 30, 2005

    As I see it, if God didn't want me to harass customer service reps, He wouldn't have put those toll-free numbers for "comments or questions" on product packages.

    Johnson & Johnson's RoC Skin Care Products

    Me: Does your anti-cellulite cream work on anyone? I am 5-foot-4, 343 pounds.

    Susan: Well, it diminishes cellulite.

    Me: When I am naked, I look like a walnut the size of a rhinoceros. If I use this product conscientiously, will it make me look buff and svelte?

    Susan:

    Me: Susan, do I hear you laughing?

    Susan: No, sir.

    Me: So will this work for me?

    Susan: It may.

    Me: You don't sound really sure.

    Susan: I can't guarantee it will make you fabulous-looking.

    Pringles Potato Chips

    Me: You know how Pringles are shaped like saddles?

    Seema: Yes!

    Me: Well, I have a marketing idea. What if Pringles had a cartoon character, riding a horse, and he had a large behind, which would not only be appropriate to the product but would call attention to the saddle, which would be a Pringle?

    Seema: That's a great idea. I know corporate would love to hear it. Just go to the corporate Web site, and . . .

    Me: But I want to tell you. The character could have a name.

    Seema: I'll definitely pass it along. Thank you. At times, Procter & Gamble contacts customers about new products or special offers. Would you like to be contacted if . . .

    Me: He could be named "Buster Artery."

    Fleischmann's Yeast

    Me: Have you noticed that "yeast" becomes "Yeats" by transposing two letters?

    Emily: It does!

    Me: Now, yeast is about rising, and one of Yeats's most famous poems is, too: I will arise and go now / And go to Innisfree, / And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made: / Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee, / And live alone in the bee-loud glade. Do you see what I am saying?

    Emily: I'm not sure.

    Me: I was thinking that Fleischmann's could transform its advertising efforts into a celebration of the work of W.B. Yeats, the keeping of bees and the cultivation of string beans.

    Emily: That's an interesting thought.

    Me: Or you could forget all that and go with a Viagra-type slogan: "Trouble rising? Try Fleischmann's Yeast!"

    Sanitary Products

    Me: I have a question about your Maxi Pads, but I have to say right at the start that I am very nervous about this, and I don't want to cause any offense.

    Cindy: Okay.

    Me: I was looking at this product in the store, and it said it had a "leak-lock" feature, which I totally understand, but it also said it has the "Shh-quietest pouch."

    Cindy: Uh-huh.

    Me: My question is, and I mean this very respectfully, do women have some sort of problem with noise from that particular region?

    Cindy:

    Me: . . . Because I was unaware of anything like that.

    Cindy: It is a quieter-opening pouch the pad is enclosed in. Women prefer something quiet when opening the packaging.

    Me: Whew! That makes me feel a lot better.

    Cindy: Well, good!

    Schick Razors

    Me: I have an idea for you.

    Carrie: Okay.

    Me: I've noticed that women's razors tend to be pastel-colored and have really girly names like the Gillette "Venus" and the "Lady ShaveMs." But I was delighted to see the Schick "Intuition" goes past all that and is celebrating a female character trait.

    Carrie: Right!

    Me: I was wondering if Schick has considered broadening this concept. For example, the Schick "Crying at the Drop of a Hat."

    Carrie:

    Me: Or the Schick "If you Don't Know What You Did Wrong, I Won't Tell You."

    Visine Eye Drops

    Me: Can Visine be used for a hangover?

    Eileen: It does relieve red eyes from dilated blood vessels, so I would think so.

    Me: How about from smoking controlled substances?

    Eileen: Well, really anything that might cause eye irritation.

    Me: How about from snorting crystal methamphetamine and crushed hydrocodone through an empty Bic pen fuselage?

    Eileen:

    Me: Hello?
     
  2. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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