You might be a republican if...

Crepitus · May 25, 2021

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Crepitus · May 25, 2021

You Might be a Republican if you believe:

Lying is appropriate and normal
Fear is the best political tool
Loyalty is personal and not given to institutions or the Constitution
It is reasonable to vote against the will of the vast majority of the people
Apologizing when proven wrong is a sign of “weakness”
Authoritarian leaders and dictators are “strong” and to be emulated
TBI (traumatic brain injuries) in combat are just headaches
Congress should be (is) subordinate to the Executive Branch
The oath of office is to the Party not the Constitution
Facts don’t matter - Inconvenient facts are to be ignored
Use of “Alternate facts” is acceptable for senior leaders
Condoning amorality is appropriate to achieve your policy goals
You can undermine confidence in national institutions and govern effectively
The first response to any criticism should be “but what about” (HRC, Biden, or anything but the issue at hand)
No one really needs to be held accountable for anything
Abandoning allies who have fought and died for you in combat is acceptable
Russia did not interfere in the 2016 election
Your leader is smarter than all experts on all topics and doesn’t need advice from anyone
Vladimir Putin is your friend
Tax breaks are best provided to the wealthy
Corporations are people
Corporations always function in the best interests of the public
There is a “Deep State” that is insidiously acting against the Party
Predatory capitalism is in the best interest of the country
Immigrants are coming to steal your jobs
There should never be any regulations of private firearms
Some white supremacists are “very fine people”
One can enter international summits with no preparation, wing it, and be successful
Announcing major policy changes by tweets without informing those who must implement them is good management
There is no need to consider the consequences of policy changes before announcing them
Mexico is going to pay for a wall
Undocumented children should be separated from their parents
Those children should be kept in cold cages
The Joint Chiefs are “dopes and babies”
The Department of Defense doesn’t know how to fight and win
America does not need allies (America Only)
There is little or no benefit to the U.S. by having troops stationed abroad
It is presidential to denigrate allied foreign leaders
It is acceptable to renege on international commitments
Tax cuts will increase revenue
The USG budget was/will be balanced “fairly quickly”
A U.S. President cannot commit a crime
The press is the enemy of the people
Information that comes from your sources like Fox News, Rush or Breitbart
Venezuela is the best example of socialism available
Public demeaning of subordinates is good management practice
The NRA has public safety as a primary interest
Many immigrants come from “shithole” countries
Global climate change is Chinese hoax/not happening
Legal requirements are an imposition and can be ignored arbitrarily
Financial institutions will self-regulate in the public interest
The environment does not need protection
Clean water is not important
Public lands should be sold off for profit
Former lobbyist should be appointed to government positions overseeing critical issues such as energy, environment, or pharmaceuticals
Trade wars are easy to win
Constituents are happy to lose their farms to support international trade wars
Lobbyists should draft laws and regulations for Congress
The CDC budget should be cut (even more)
American health care is simple and best fixed by taking it away without planning for replacement
An immigration invasion is happening
Health care is only for some people
Immigrants (even undocumented ones) don’t pay taxes
All poor people want to be on welfare
Homelessness is a choice for most experiencing it
You are not already paying for uninsured patients
It is acceptable to make fun of disabled people
School nutrition is not important
Where one pees is of great importance
Gender identity is clear-cut and variations a “choice”
That personal relationships are to be regulated (and only normal ones allowed)
Paying legitimate bills is not necessary (so sue me)
Catsup is a vegetable

JackOfNoTrades · May 25, 2021

You might be a Republican if you believe,

1) The Laffer Curve is gospel.
2) Grover Norquist shits golden easter eggs. Or just GOLD!!
3) That introducing UV light into your body "in some other way" will cure COVID-19.

Floyd61 · May 25, 2021

You might be a democrat if you

Votto · May 25, 2021

You might be a Republican if:

1. You think George Bush was a conservative

2. You think you can have big government abroad, but at the same time, not at home.

3. Orange man bad

4. All we need is a little less Marxism

5. You cry every time someone calls you a racist and apologize for it.

6. You think Biden is a good President, but definitely better than Orange man

7. The press is really not biased against them.

8. The education system is not really biased against them

9. You think it would be swell to agree to a few democrat demands to show they can work with them and think they will do the same at some point

10. Liz Cheney is the best Congressman ever.

Rambunctious · May 25, 2021