You ever have to take an old person's keys?

[Grumblenuts]

I've ridden with her. Her knees are stiff and she can barely move them. There is no gentle braking. There is no smooth acceleration. It's close to all or nothing. When she turns from one road to another, the last minute braking throws anything on the seat into the floorboard. If she sees a sign that attracts her attention, she doesn't glance and then look back at the road. She will continue to look for 5 or 6 seconds while drifting to that side of the road. I'm not doing this lightly. She will likely hurt herself or others. The DPS will evaluate older drivers capabilities upon receipt of an anonymous report of it being necessary. It might be best to let them tell her it's time. It would certainly be easier for me.

My mom was showing signs of dementia in her 70s. More power to yours for successfully remaining so independent into her 90s. Imo, you should periodically discuss it (taking her keys, filing an anonymous report, or letting it go) with your brother. You're the ones who'll have to live with the consequences. Talk to a lawyer?

My ex-mother-in-law is 93 and also tough as nails. Her son recently retired and moved in with her. Now he does all the driving using her car while his just sits. I took my mom in for her final two years. Hospice helped me out a lot. Everyone's situation is different.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

Not sure what you mean by that or why, but if you doubt my sincerity in trying to work through this issue, you aren't obligated to participate.

if so, then think of it this way from a different perspective..............The adult has now become the child, and the child has become the adult

Think of what she went thru and whatever decisions she made when you were 15/16 asking for the keys and/or teaching you to drive.........even if it was your father that did, she was still impacted.........very similar to what you are dealing with now to take them away.

 

[John Edgar Slow Horses]

Have a cool cop talk to her at home.

 

[martybegan]

I've thought about it in the past, but just couldn't do it, but it's past time. She's 96 and still lives alone. Does her own house work, shops for groceries, drives herself to church and everything else. I did convince her to not drive after dark and stay off the interstate, It's not like she would be stranded. There is enough family to take her anywhere she wants to go when she wants to go. Driving represents her autonomy, and to take her car would break her heart. Not because he wants to drive, but because her son was the one to do it. Still---- can't get past the point that it is time. Has anybody here had to do that? Any suggestions to make it easier?

if you are going to do it, go with the ripped of band aid approach. Be honest, be firm, and follow through.

My grandfather died at 102 still driving, but he self-limited himself to less than 1 or 2 miles just to go to the stores. Anything else he called one of us for a pickup.

My friend on the other hand had to do it to his in her 80's mother when she went into the hospital for a few months. he just took the car and didn't return it to her house when she went home.

 

[cnm]

The DPS will evaluate older drivers capabilities upon receipt of an anonymous report of it being necessary. It might be best to let them tell her it's time. It would certainly be easier for me.

Yeah, you're allowed to slide on this one. She's gonna resent whoever does it.

 

[BULLDOG]

if so, then think of it this way from a different perspective..............The adult has now become the child, and the child has become the adult

Think of what she went thru and whatever decisions she made when you were 15/16 asking for the keys and/or teaching you to drive.........even if it was your father that did, she was still impacted.........very similar to what you are dealing with now to take them away.

The difference being that at 15 or 16, I didn't have a lifetime of experience telling me that it a was none of their business.

 

[MarathonMike]

It's on me and my brother. My three other siblings have passed. Lots of grandkids and great grandkids, but nobody else to deal with this subject.

My Dad was stubborn as a mule and insisted on driving himself to and from dialysis treatments against the DIRECTION of the doctors. He passed out driving home and barely missed a head on collision. My Mom and my brother who was living nearby at the time were finally able to take his keys.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

The difference being that at 15 or 16, I didn't have a lifetime of experience telling me that it a was none of their business.

Another difference........she was giving you your freedom, against her own fears for your safety, while you are taking her freedom away.....because of your fears for her safety.

Is there any other reason to take her keys, beyond the fact she is old??? Has she had tickets or accidents? Is her overall health such that driving is a problem? Any health problem that can be a danger even when not driving???

Such as seizures, uncontrolled diabetes where she may not be eating or taking meds to correct or stabilize the problem?? Having heart palpitations? Blacking out? Not knowing where she is? Anything that would make you question if she can even live on her own?

If she is doing fine at every other aspect of life, then leave her be for now. Bring it up again in a few months to see how she feels about it then. In the meantime, offer to take her to the store with you because you need a few things and thought she might too. And church and to her friends place and wherever she normally goes on her own because you are going that way too. Make it an enjoyable event, maybe buy her lunch with a good visit each time. She will love and appreciate the time spent together.

IOW, take over the driving without a fight........it's very possible she secretly wants to give it up, but outwardly fights it. So give her more good memories of your times together, rather than setting both of you up for a fallout

 

[BULLDOG]

Another difference........she was giving you your freedom, against her own fears for your safety, while you are taking her freedom away.....because of your fears for her safety.

Is there any other reason to take her keys, beyond the fact she is old??? Has she had tickets or accidents? Is her overall health such that driving is a problem? Any health problem that can be a danger even when not driving???

Such as seizures, uncontrolled diabetes where she may not be eating or taking meds to correct or stabilize the problem?? Having heart palpitations? Blacking out? Not knowing where she is? Anything that would make you question if she can even live on her own?

If she is doing fine at every other aspect of life, then leave her be for now. Bring it up again in a few months to see how she feels about it then. In the meantime, offer to take her to the store with you because you need a few things and thought she might too. And church and to her friends place and wherever she normally goes on her own because you are going that way too. Make it an enjoyable event, maybe buy her lunch with a good visit each time. She will love and appreciate the time spent together.

IOW, take over the driving without a fight........it's very possible she secretly wants to give it up, but outwardly fights it. So give her more good memories of your times together, rather than setting both of you up for a fallout

She should probably have someone with her at all times too, but one step at a time. No tickets but accidents and close calls that could have been much worse. She overshot her road and almost ended up in the ditch. Without checking for oncoming traffic, she backed up, blocking both lanes on that side of the road. Luckily the oncoming traffic was able to stop or otherwise dodge her. The four lane road her church is on is busy about the time church lets out. She has caused crossing traffic to squeal their brakes many times. I'm not doing this on a whim. It should have been done before now. The decision has been thoroughly considered and made. I'm just looking for some way to make it less stressful for everybody involved. It looks like there is no easy way to do it. I just have to do it.

 

[Deplorable Yankee]

I've thought about it in the past, but just couldn't do it, but it's past time. She's 96 and still lives alone. Does her own house work, shops for groceries, drives herself to church and everything else. I did convince her to not drive after dark and stay off the interstate, It's not like she would be stranded. There is enough family to take her anywhere she wants to go when she wants to go. Driving represents her autonomy, and to take her car would break her heart. Not because he wants to drive, but because her son was the one to do it. Still---- can't get past the point that it is time. Has anybody here had to do that? Any suggestions to make it easier?

My mother had to give up her keys .My brother took them away.... She knows she can't drive ...possibly never drive again.. He had to move in with her .

The last time she drove, she had to pull over in a heavy rain storm.. A nice state trooper helped her out... She knows them all anyway

She was a para legal for a local attorney for years
He's dead to

Everybody ******* dies
Ah crap

 

[JustAnotherNut]

She should probably have someone with her at all times too, but one step at a time. No tickets but accidents and close calls that could have been much worse. She overshot her road and almost ended up in the ditch. Without checking for oncoming traffic, she backed up, blocking both lanes on that side of the road. Luckily the oncoming traffic was able to stop or otherwise dodge her. The four lane road her church is on is busy about the time church lets out. She has caused crossing traffic to squeal their brakes many times. I'm not doing this on a whim. It should have been done before now. The decision has been thoroughly considered and made. I'm just looking for some way to make it less stressful for everybody involved. It looks like there is no easy way to do it. I just have to do it.

At 96, she is probably a creature of habit........same days & times to do her errands, appointments and shopping.....find out what those are, then show up early with an excuse........I'm going right by there, why not go together, we can stop at your favorite coffee shop or ice cream parlor after......or whatever might interest her.

IOW......do those things for her, without being obvious about it. You can also mention that due to her age you want to spend more time with her before it's too late. Soft approach goes a long way.

 

[CrusaderFrank]

I've thought about it in the past, but just couldn't do it, but it's past time. She's 96 and still lives alone. Does her own house work, shops for groceries, drives herself to church and everything else. I did convince her to not drive after dark and stay off the interstate, It's not like she would be stranded. There is enough family to take her anywhere she wants to go when she wants to go. Driving represents her autonomy, and to take her car would break her heart. Not because he wants to drive, but because her son was the one to do it. Still---- can't get past the point that it is time. Has anybody here had to do that? Any suggestions to make it easier?

That’s a tough one.

My Mom made the call herself when they moved out of the Bronx for suburbia.

Do it with Love and Compassion

Sounds like your Mom wants to stay relevant, connected and independent

 

[BULLDOG]

At 96, she is probably a creature of habit........same days & times to do her errands, appointments and shopping.....find out what those are, then show up early with an excuse........I'm going right by there, why not go together, we can stop at your favorite coffee shop or ice cream parlor after......or whatever might interest her.

IOW......do those things for her, without being obvious about it. You can also mention that due to her age you want to spend more time with her before it's too late. Soft approach goes a long way.

I visit her for a couple of hours every day. She knows I have mentioned her driving several times. Without telling me, she waits until I'm gone, or goes early before I usually get there. This is not a sudden issue and that sweet little old lady can be a formidable, conniving foe when she wants to be.

 

[BULLDOG]

That’s a tough one.

My Mom made the call herself when they moved out of the Bronx for suburbia.

Do it with Love and Compassion

Sounds like your Mom wants to stay relevant, connected and independent

Ya think?

 

[sparky]

Little by little we loose our freedoms as we age..........~S~

 

[BULLDOG]

Little by little we loose our freedoms as we age..........~S~

I always heard getting old wasn't a chore for sissies. Until recently, I didn't understand the full impact of that remark.

 

[sparky]

I always heard getting old wasn't a chore for sissies. Until recently, I didn't understand the full impact of that remark.

welcome to the club Dog........

~S~

 

[BULLDOG]

welcome to the club Dog........
View attachment 1140284
~S~

This isn't my first trip through those club house doors

 

[JustAnotherNut]

I visit her for a couple of hours every day. She knows I have mentioned her driving several times. Without telling me, she waits until I'm gone, or goes early before I usually get there. This is not a sudden issue and that sweet little old lady can be a formidable, conniving foe when she wants to be.

Then let me suggest hog tie her

but on a serious note....just remember this when it's your kids wanting to take your keys

 

[BULLDOG]

Then let me suggest hog tie her

but on a serious note....just remember this when it's your kids wanting to take your keys

Never happen. I will always be an excellent driver, and I already have an extra set of keys hidden where nobody else can find them. If my kid ever gets within reach of my walker, I'll show her who shouldn't be driving!!

I'm pretty sure I won't be as hard to convince, but we'll see.