Who can make Bootneck Laugh?

[Colin]

Oy! Gravel belly! Stick this in your pipe!


Royal Marine dies in an accident and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and waits his turn, eventually he gets to the front of the line and Saint Peter checks his name off and informs him he is allowed into heaven' Before he walks in he asks Saint Peter if there are any paras in heaven as if this was the case he didn't want to enter as he couldn't stand the buggers. Saint Peter informs the Royal Marine that there were, in fact, no Paras in heaven, so in he trots.

The Marine is having a great time wandering around and settles down in a clearing of tropical plants watching really nice angels of the female variety taking a swim when suddenly bushes part, a guy wearing a bergen and a maroon beret marches right over the top of him, keeps going and disappears into the undergrowth.

The Marine yomps back to the entrance to heaven and lands one on Saint Peter, who still stunned from the blow asks what he had done to deserve such a punch, the Marine reminds him that he had told him that there were no Paras in heaven, Saint Peter replies...

'There aren't ...that was God he likes to think he's airborne!'

 

[Ringel05]

Modern British Dentistry.

 

[boedicca]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting in the waiting room at the OB/Gyn's office. They start discussing what the genders of their babies will be:

The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that you'll have a girl."

The brunette says, "I always have sex on top so I'm going to have a boy."

The blonde ponders this for a minute then begins sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"

 

[JW Frogen]

Why do the Taliban seclude and oppress women?

Because they do not want gossip about the size of their dicks.

*That is not a joke, it is a sociological fact I do not intend to research or prove.

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

 

[SFC Ollie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-5d5IfdYK4]YouTube - But I Could Be Wrong[/ame]

 

[LuckyDan]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

 

[Valerie]

http://www.usmessageboard.com/gener...ave-a-message-for-bootneck-3.html#post4078046





[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRie_cRxFfY&feature=related]Robin Williams - Impersonation of a Smart Kid - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Valerie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0WsnKQCax8&feature=related]Jesus' Life - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Valerie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4]Robin Willims - Golf (full version) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[SFC Ollie]

Breaking News


At an airshow yesterday an aircraft was totally out of control. The pilot had nothing, he had lost all control of speed and direction. The aircraft crashed into four separate buildings. Imagine the horror the occupants of those buildings felt..........

Probably scared the shit out of them.

 

[BREDNAMERICA]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Royal Marine is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred taliban". Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again "One Royal Marine is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

 

[BREDNAMERICA]

Here's one for ya....
YouTube - Military Bloopers

WELL DONE

 

[Valerie]

I'm so stuck on Robin Williams because Bootneck said he loved his humor and I don't know about anyone else but I am cracking up over here!


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inbhtK80LBc&feature=related]Robin Williams on Football - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Valerie]

Dana Carvey As Bush - Video

 

[Valerie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvkBlIpLEgs&feature=related]This guy does the greatest impressions - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Valerie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RN3Z9ffvTyo&feature=related]Hot Girl + Awesome Celebrity Impressions - YouTube[/ame]

 

[Colin]

I often got asked why I chose to join the Paras instead of the Royal Marines. The answer was quite simple.

Before I joined up I pretended I was a Para on 3 nights out and as a result I had a relationship with 3 of the most stunning women in the world.

I pretended to be a Royal Marine once and I STILL can't get the guy to stop calling!

 

[Colin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

 

[Valerie]

I'm so stuck on Robin Williams because Bootneck said he loved his humor and I don't know about anyone else but I am cracking up over here!


Robin Williams on Football - YouTube

^