Who can make Bootneck Laugh?

[mudwhistle]

A rancher is working by one of his fields and a black sedan pulls up and a man in a suit and tie gets out. He quickly walks to the fence surrounding the field and begins to climb over.

The rancher shouts to him "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!!"

The suited man climbs down and briskly walks up to the rancher pulling out a wallet containing a badge. "I'm a agent for the IRS and this badge says I can do whatever the hell I want Mister....and you can't stop me. I wanna see what you've got in your field. I wanna see if you're hiding property from the United States Government."

The rancher steps back and says nothing to which the agents says "yeah...that's right. Be a good little man and shut up."

The agent scrambles over the fence and quickly walks over the bluff. After a few moments a loud scream is heard. Before long the agent comes running red-faced at top speed with the biggest..meanest bull you'd ever want to see hot on his heels...blowing snot and throwing up huge clumps of sod behind him.

Seeing this the rancher couldn't resist the opportunity.

He says "Hey asshole....show him your badge!!!!"

 

[Valerie]

YouTube - Robin Williams - Bush & Obama - we are most amused, london

I love that man!

Good to know!




[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IG3LgusJ3Q]YouTube - Robin Williams (Weapons of Self Destruction) - 10 years[/ame]

 

[Valerie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpVIkacLXEI&feature=related]YouTube - Robin Williams Weapons of self destruction Part 2[/ame]

 

[JW Frogen]

As a former squid this violates the very cells of my sea horse body, but I don't want to make him laugh. When Marines laugh sparrows fall from the sky.

I just want to thank him.

You guys are doing all right by me.

And I will be sure to let my children know what you did for us.

 

[JW Frogen]

Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.

To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.

Admit it, come clean.

 

[California Girl]

Frank Sinatra - Strangers on my flight

 

[California Girl]

In the interests of recognizing the internationality of those who fight side by side for freedom (ooorah), this is what happens when the multinational partners get some R&R.

When the troops hit the beach.........

• The Royal Marines go fishing.
• The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
• The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
• The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
• The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
• The Italians go sunbathing.
• The Germans land and build a car factory.
• The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
• The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
• The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
• The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
• The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
• The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
• The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
• The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
• The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
• The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
• The Spanish are late.
• The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
• Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
• The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
• The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
• The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
• The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
• The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
• The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
• The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
• The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
• The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
• The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
• The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
• The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
• The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
• The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
• The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
• The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
• The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
• The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
• The Kentuckians open a KFC.
• The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
• The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
• The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
• The Swedes just want to screw.
• The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
• The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
• Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
• The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
• The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
• H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
• The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
• The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
• Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
• The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
• Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
• George W. Bush doesn't know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii.
• Obama accepts the Nobel Prize for Beach Peace and tells the combined troops that he hopes to change the world and turns their beer into water- yet another good idea that he fucks up.
• When CCN arrive, the USMC run up and down the beach, chanting "everywhere we go, we are movitivated. Everywhere we go, we are dedicated. We're motivated, we're dedicated. To the Corps. My Corps. Your Corps. Our Corps. Marine Corps"
• While the USMC are performing for the cameras, one brave Royal Marine, known as Bootneck, does a commando raid and steals their kit.

 

[mudwhistle]

Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.

To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.

Admit it, come clean.

I remember when I made a promise to God that if he would just let me come back alive I would promise not to abuse my privates.

 

[California Girl]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna says, "Lord no! Definitely go out with him. Just wear an old dress."

 

[mudwhistle]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna says, "Lord no! Definitely go out with him. Just wear an old dress."

Preferably something that you can get easy access with. Maybe one of those Hoe-dresses that shows off your butt.

 

[random3434]

An English expat is hanging out in his favourite bar in Phuket, thinking about his wretched life, when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly tourist. He asks the bartender about her and is not surprised to discover that she’s a prostitute.

He watches her for the rest of the night, thinking he has to get a piece of the action, but being English he’s a bit bashful, does nothing and thus goes home frustrated.

The next night he goes back to the same bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone.

The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.
"Is it true you’re a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get US$100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there." "US$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?!!"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there’s a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.

"I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s ever had. This hand job
was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he’s back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs."

"How much is that?" "US$500"

"US$500!?! C’mon, that’s ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 6 storey apartment building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it’s worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He faints. Eight times.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I’m hooked, you’re the best! Tell me, what’ll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street.
"You see that 150 storey skyscraper over there..."

"Aw, c’mon! You can’t be serious!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a p*ssy, I’d own it."

 

[Phoenix]

Can we just make him grin, blush and do his version of "Awwww, shucks. It weren't nothin'."?


Wherever I go,
everyone is a little bit safer because I am there.

Wherever I am,
anyone in need has a friend.

Whenever I return home,
everyone is happy I am there.

To our friend, Bootneck.

 

[random3434]

Making tea, yummy!


[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuDt8ekl-o8&feature=related]YouTube - afghanistan brew - making tea for the Marines in Afghanistan[/ame]

 

[Bootneck]

As a former squid this violates the very cells of my sea horse body, but I don't want to make him laugh. When Marines laugh sparrows fall from the sky.

I just want to thank him.

You guys are doing all right by me.

And I will be sure to let my children know what you did for us.

JW I'm sorry to disappoint you. I think you're one of the funniest blokes on here. Whenever I come across one of your posts I'm pretty much guaranteed a good laugh. Sorry about that pal.

Thank you JW for those kind words. They mean a lot.

 

[random3434]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3XNFXsqjaI&feature=related]YouTube - What we Royal Marines really do in spare time[/ame]

 

[Bootneck]

Still, if you need a good laugh I have some stories about when I was Seabee training with the Marines with night vision goggles.

To my mind, in your down time in war, masturbation is man's best friend.

Admit it, come clean.

Well, OK. But she must have warm hands!

 

[Phoenix]

Is it true that y'all are issued these shirts now? Or were they your own idea?

Then there's the other one that the Marine's woman gets:

 

[JW Frogen]

I remember when I made a promise to God that if he would just let me come back alive I would promise not to abuse my privates.

You didn't keep that promise, did you?

When it comes to promises about playing with the private parts always put some fine print in the contract.

 

[California Girl]

There's some funny shit in this thread.

 

[Colin]

Singing cats on the rooftop, cats on the tiles,
Cats with the clap and cats with the piles,
Cats with their arses wreathed in smiles,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

When you wake up in the morn with the devil of a stand,
From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary gland,
If you haven't got a woman use you own horny hand,
As you revel in the joys of masturbation.

The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a miserable life,
He can't afford a mistress and he doesn't have a wife,
So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental Fife,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The ostrich on the pampas is a solitary chick,
Without the opportunity to dip its wick,
But whenever it does it slips in thick,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The elephant's dong is big and round,
A small one weighs a thousand pound,
Two together shake the ground,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

The oyster is a paragon of purity,
And you can't tell the he from the she,
But he can tell and so can she,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

The donkey is a lonely bloke,
He hardly ever gets a poke,
But when he does he lets it soak,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The hippopotamus so it seems,
Rarely, if ever, has wet dreams,
But when he does he comes in streams,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The camel likes to have his fun,
His night is made when he is done,
He always gets two humps for one,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The flea cavorts among the trees,
And there consorts with whom he please,
To fill the land with bastard fleas,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The ape is small and rather slow,
Erect he stands a foot or so,
So when he comes it's time to go,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

The orangutan is a colorful sight,
There's a glow on its arse likke a pilot light,
As it jumps and it leaps in the night,
As he revels in the joys of fornication.

Long-legged curates grind like goats,
Pale-faced spinsters shag like stoats,
And the whole damn works stands by and gloats,
As they revel in the joys of fornication.

A thousand verses all in rhyme,
To sit and sing them seems a crime,
When we could better spend our time,
Revelling in the joys of fornication.