Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,122
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
We decided to have a period of open enrollment down at the gun club. I was serving as the Treasurer of “The Smoking Gun Club” at the time. Unfortunately, we were running deeply in the red on account of old Merrick Garland suing us cuz we were building our own exploding targets. But goddamn it! The cost of Tannerite had gone through the roof thanks to Bidenomics!
So them old fed boys put a judgment lien on The Smoking Gun property. We had to pass around the donation plate a few times extra and make some deep sacrifices to clear up all that damn nasty business. As a result, our coffers were empty. We even had to take out a loan from the Sasquatch Savings and Loan, and mortgage the club for collateral. With a 97.12% interest rate we gotta really scrape hard to make the monthly payments.
We decided to increase membership and up the dues. So we got the word out! We put up signs and advertised on our website: “God Fearing Patriot Gun Club Seeks New Blood For the Fight to Blast and Blow Shit Up!! Apply Today!!” We got us a shit-ton of applicants too. We decided to line up an orientation meeting so we could meet everbody to make sure they all conform with our strenuous and exacting standards.
When I walked into said orientation the clubhouse was packed!! “Holy shit!”, I said to our President, General Lee (his code name), “I ain’t never see so much interest in the Second Amendment!” The General replied, “Yeah, and they are all fine looking men - clean cut and white”.
General Lee was correct. As I took to the podium to address the crowd, of which I estimated there to be around 100 new recruits, I noted how nice everbody looked. Most of us are usually wearing coveralls and Carhardt clothing, along with our CAT caps.
These recruits were all wearing kakhi pants and black Izod shirts. They were all clean cut, had short haircuts, and no facial hair. It’s like we done got us a club full of Sunday school teachers.
Well, I made my opening remarks. Then I asked them to all introduce themselves and tell us what they were packing. We went down the rows. They all had names like Tood, Chad, Thad, John, Brad, etc… All single syllable names, I noted. They was all packing Glocks, every single one of them.
As we went through the introductions I noticed a couple things odd about the recruits. First, they all wore dark sunglasses. Of course, all of us existing members wore dark sunglasses too so we cannot be identified by the zoom-in lenses them G-boys use onboard them damn black helicopters.
Second, they all had little wires coming outa their shirts and going into their ears. Periodically they would lean forward and speak to thar shirt buttons in hushed voices. I found this to be right peculiar.
While they continued to introduce themselves, I walked over to 2 fellow clubbers, Mister X and Mr. Black. “Hey, you guys notice anything weird about these new recruits?”, I asked. Before I asked this, Mister X and Mr. Black were already discussing whether these fellas were robots on account of the wires coming out of their ears. I replied, “You fucking idiots!! They ain’t robots! What the hell is wrong with you?!?” They both looked at me. I looked around to make sure that nobody was eavesdropping, then leaned close to X and Black and said, “I think they are aliens!”
Black spoke up first and said, “Aliens?!? They all look American to me! Hell, they all speak perfect English!” I took off my John Deere cap and whacked Black over his head with it. “Not Mexican aliens, you fucking moron!! SPACE aliens!!! They probably came down here looking to infiltrate our gun club!!!!”, I said.
Then Mister X, a leading authority on the JFK Jr case, spoke up. “These ain’t no aliens or robots, boys. These here are space travelers what done come back in time to change the furniture”, he said. Black replied, “The furniture? What’s wrong with the furniture?”, he asked. I interjected “He means FUTURE, Black. FUTURE. Isn’t that right, Mister X?” Mister X looked at us both and said “Hmmmmm”.
Just then we heard fellow club member El Duce’ cry out, “IT’S A TRAP, BOYS!!! THEY IS ALL FED BOYS!!! RUN!!!!”
Well sir, what happened next was that total chaos broke out. Us club boys were all scared shitless. But them damn old fed boys were just as scared, running around like a bunch of fucking chickens with their heads just cut off because they had been caught in yet another dirty operation.
Since all those fed boys were fit and trim, they managed to flee the club house first. By the time the rest of us got outside, the federales were all peeling off in their Toyotas and Subarus. See, we figured they did not have anything on us, so they ran off because they did not wanna get into trouble for entrapment and such. That sounds just like something that sneaky ass Garland would do too!
We were more careful after that. We didn’t let anyone else in the club unless they could show us photos of them posing with dead animals, owned at least one Russian military surplus rifle, and had a drill press or milling machine at home.
We finally managed to get the bank mortgage paid off by registering with the federal government as a Ukraine militia group. They just started sending us gobs and gobs of money with no questions asked!! Now we all got fiddy cals mounted on the hoods of our trucks!!
So them old fed boys put a judgment lien on The Smoking Gun property. We had to pass around the donation plate a few times extra and make some deep sacrifices to clear up all that damn nasty business. As a result, our coffers were empty. We even had to take out a loan from the Sasquatch Savings and Loan, and mortgage the club for collateral. With a 97.12% interest rate we gotta really scrape hard to make the monthly payments.
We decided to increase membership and up the dues. So we got the word out! We put up signs and advertised on our website: “God Fearing Patriot Gun Club Seeks New Blood For the Fight to Blast and Blow Shit Up!! Apply Today!!” We got us a shit-ton of applicants too. We decided to line up an orientation meeting so we could meet everbody to make sure they all conform with our strenuous and exacting standards.
When I walked into said orientation the clubhouse was packed!! “Holy shit!”, I said to our President, General Lee (his code name), “I ain’t never see so much interest in the Second Amendment!” The General replied, “Yeah, and they are all fine looking men - clean cut and white”.
General Lee was correct. As I took to the podium to address the crowd, of which I estimated there to be around 100 new recruits, I noted how nice everbody looked. Most of us are usually wearing coveralls and Carhardt clothing, along with our CAT caps.
These recruits were all wearing kakhi pants and black Izod shirts. They were all clean cut, had short haircuts, and no facial hair. It’s like we done got us a club full of Sunday school teachers.
Well, I made my opening remarks. Then I asked them to all introduce themselves and tell us what they were packing. We went down the rows. They all had names like Tood, Chad, Thad, John, Brad, etc… All single syllable names, I noted. They was all packing Glocks, every single one of them.
As we went through the introductions I noticed a couple things odd about the recruits. First, they all wore dark sunglasses. Of course, all of us existing members wore dark sunglasses too so we cannot be identified by the zoom-in lenses them G-boys use onboard them damn black helicopters.
Second, they all had little wires coming outa their shirts and going into their ears. Periodically they would lean forward and speak to thar shirt buttons in hushed voices. I found this to be right peculiar.
While they continued to introduce themselves, I walked over to 2 fellow clubbers, Mister X and Mr. Black. “Hey, you guys notice anything weird about these new recruits?”, I asked. Before I asked this, Mister X and Mr. Black were already discussing whether these fellas were robots on account of the wires coming out of their ears. I replied, “You fucking idiots!! They ain’t robots! What the hell is wrong with you?!?” They both looked at me. I looked around to make sure that nobody was eavesdropping, then leaned close to X and Black and said, “I think they are aliens!”
Black spoke up first and said, “Aliens?!? They all look American to me! Hell, they all speak perfect English!” I took off my John Deere cap and whacked Black over his head with it. “Not Mexican aliens, you fucking moron!! SPACE aliens!!! They probably came down here looking to infiltrate our gun club!!!!”, I said.
Then Mister X, a leading authority on the JFK Jr case, spoke up. “These ain’t no aliens or robots, boys. These here are space travelers what done come back in time to change the furniture”, he said. Black replied, “The furniture? What’s wrong with the furniture?”, he asked. I interjected “He means FUTURE, Black. FUTURE. Isn’t that right, Mister X?” Mister X looked at us both and said “Hmmmmm”.
Just then we heard fellow club member El Duce’ cry out, “IT’S A TRAP, BOYS!!! THEY IS ALL FED BOYS!!! RUN!!!!”
Well sir, what happened next was that total chaos broke out. Us club boys were all scared shitless. But them damn old fed boys were just as scared, running around like a bunch of fucking chickens with their heads just cut off because they had been caught in yet another dirty operation.
Since all those fed boys were fit and trim, they managed to flee the club house first. By the time the rest of us got outside, the federales were all peeling off in their Toyotas and Subarus. See, we figured they did not have anything on us, so they ran off because they did not wanna get into trouble for entrapment and such. That sounds just like something that sneaky ass Garland would do too!
We were more careful after that. We didn’t let anyone else in the club unless they could show us photos of them posing with dead animals, owned at least one Russian military surplus rifle, and had a drill press or milling machine at home.
We finally managed to get the bank mortgage paid off by registering with the federal government as a Ukraine militia group. They just started sending us gobs and gobs of money with no questions asked!! Now we all got fiddy cals mounted on the hoods of our trucks!!
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