- Sep 22, 2013
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Yes, one last final heist tale involving Wake Forest, boiling water, Rumpelstiltskin(!), and of course a dreaded damsel in distress. Thanks so much for reading USMB (and Happy New Year's!),
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On the campus of Wake Forest, a wily thief visited and decided to rob a bank. This was no ordinary American school. Wake Forest boasted excellent academics as well as athletics. This visiting thief was the infamous Isaac Satan, who'd already robbed over 20 banks all over California. Now Wake Forest was Isaac's new target!
SATAN: "I'm an exceptional thief...not a terrorist!"
Isaac walked into the Wachova bank on the Wake Forest campus with a water-gun inserted with a protective thermally-lined glass tube containing boiling hot water. He grabbed the security guard and told him that if the guard and manager didn't cooperate for the heist, he'd shoot boiling hot water at their feet. The guard and manager were shocked and had no choice but to cooperate and didn't set off any of the computer alarms inside the bank.
Isaac walked out of that Wachovia bank that day with $1 million in cash. It was cash invested by students' families from Wake Forest as well as very wealthy residents of the Wake Forest area, including a very famous but secretive American venture capitalist named Steve Jobs who went by the name Rumpelstiltskin. Jobs had a very gorgeous daughter who attended Wake Forest named Deanna Jobs who was a Demon Deacons cheerleader. Isaac noticed Deanna's cheerleader photo in the Wachovia bank on the day of his thrilling heist!
ISAAC: You're a knock-out!
DEANNA: Who're you, darling?
ISAAC: I'm a visitor to Wake Forest!
DEANNA: Well, what's your name, sweetheart?
ISAAC: Satan.
DEANNA: Satan?
ISAAC: Yeah, well, that's my Algerian surname.
DEANNA: Like Satan, the Christian Devil (hehe)?
ISAAC: Sort of; no, it's just an unusual Algerian surname.
DEANNA: Aha.
ISAAC: You're a knock-out.
DEANNA: Thanks, I guess; so you're a visitor.
ISAAC: Uh-huh, and I'm not departing without a date with you!
DEANNA: A night of romance.
ISAAC: A one-night college stand...perhaps with diamonds and a deranged marriage.
DEANNA: A marriage?
ISAAC: Right, well, we'd informally but officially declare wedding vows over a bridge.
DEANNA: Sounds like a movie or something; I get the eerie feeling you're in trouble!
ISAAC: Maybe the cops on Wake Forest are tracking me, darling!
While Satan was holding up the Wachovia bank on Wake Forest's campus area, there were news-reporters and police cars and pedestrians there to photograph the entire incident for their Facebook conversations the following day. Afterwards, all Satan (Isaac) cared about was his one-night 'marriage' to Deanna, Wake Forest Demon Deacons cheerleader and gorgeous daughter of Rumpelstiltskin.
ISAAC: I love you.
DEANNA: I love you!
ISAAC: Maybe I'll return one day and become a campus cop.
DEANNA: I doubt it!
When the new chancellor arrived on campus, Ms. Jennifer Pennyman, she was ordered to tighten security matters on campus, following the elusive heist of Isaac Satan. No one even discovered Isaac's one-night 'marriage' to Rumpelstiltskin's daughter Deanna. Pennyman insisted that the key to security tightening would be the pervasive consciousness thas university security in modern times, in the era of terrorism, would be all about real dogma.
WAKE FOREST: "We're most proud of our academics and athletics, and we won't let Satan destroy our sacred design."
PENNYMAN: "This is a story of crime and punishment...not American depression."
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
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On the campus of Wake Forest, a wily thief visited and decided to rob a bank. This was no ordinary American school. Wake Forest boasted excellent academics as well as athletics. This visiting thief was the infamous Isaac Satan, who'd already robbed over 20 banks all over California. Now Wake Forest was Isaac's new target!
SATAN: "I'm an exceptional thief...not a terrorist!"
Isaac walked into the Wachova bank on the Wake Forest campus with a water-gun inserted with a protective thermally-lined glass tube containing boiling hot water. He grabbed the security guard and told him that if the guard and manager didn't cooperate for the heist, he'd shoot boiling hot water at their feet. The guard and manager were shocked and had no choice but to cooperate and didn't set off any of the computer alarms inside the bank.
Isaac walked out of that Wachovia bank that day with $1 million in cash. It was cash invested by students' families from Wake Forest as well as very wealthy residents of the Wake Forest area, including a very famous but secretive American venture capitalist named Steve Jobs who went by the name Rumpelstiltskin. Jobs had a very gorgeous daughter who attended Wake Forest named Deanna Jobs who was a Demon Deacons cheerleader. Isaac noticed Deanna's cheerleader photo in the Wachovia bank on the day of his thrilling heist!
ISAAC: You're a knock-out!
DEANNA: Who're you, darling?
ISAAC: I'm a visitor to Wake Forest!
DEANNA: Well, what's your name, sweetheart?
ISAAC: Satan.
DEANNA: Satan?
ISAAC: Yeah, well, that's my Algerian surname.
DEANNA: Like Satan, the Christian Devil (hehe)?
ISAAC: Sort of; no, it's just an unusual Algerian surname.
DEANNA: Aha.
ISAAC: You're a knock-out.
DEANNA: Thanks, I guess; so you're a visitor.
ISAAC: Uh-huh, and I'm not departing without a date with you!
DEANNA: A night of romance.
ISAAC: A one-night college stand...perhaps with diamonds and a deranged marriage.
DEANNA: A marriage?
ISAAC: Right, well, we'd informally but officially declare wedding vows over a bridge.
DEANNA: Sounds like a movie or something; I get the eerie feeling you're in trouble!
ISAAC: Maybe the cops on Wake Forest are tracking me, darling!
While Satan was holding up the Wachovia bank on Wake Forest's campus area, there were news-reporters and police cars and pedestrians there to photograph the entire incident for their Facebook conversations the following day. Afterwards, all Satan (Isaac) cared about was his one-night 'marriage' to Deanna, Wake Forest Demon Deacons cheerleader and gorgeous daughter of Rumpelstiltskin.
ISAAC: I love you.
DEANNA: I love you!
ISAAC: Maybe I'll return one day and become a campus cop.
DEANNA: I doubt it!
When the new chancellor arrived on campus, Ms. Jennifer Pennyman, she was ordered to tighten security matters on campus, following the elusive heist of Isaac Satan. No one even discovered Isaac's one-night 'marriage' to Rumpelstiltskin's daughter Deanna. Pennyman insisted that the key to security tightening would be the pervasive consciousness thas university security in modern times, in the era of terrorism, would be all about real dogma.
WAKE FOREST: "We're most proud of our academics and athletics, and we won't let Satan destroy our sacred design."
PENNYMAN: "This is a story of crime and punishment...not American depression."
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
