Thinking about death

[strollingbones]

i have pondered death....esp when i was told to begin doing the paperwork for the hospital....i forget what its called...where you tell them let you go...and now its not our spouse....its the doctors who decide...and you have the talk with the spouse about what do to and when to let go...i was lucky ...he already knew...its a hard discussion and you have to have it....

 

[Bonzi]

A Living Will or an Advance Directive

 

[Iceweasel]

I can't say I give it much thought, what's the point? I do some dangerous things, namely ride motorcycles so mortality is always staring your right in the face, especially when the drones behind the wheels these days. I could sit safely in my chair at home but that's not a life.

You can increase or decrease your odds, there are no guarantees in life. You can hit a deer in your car and die. A drunk can hit you. Someone with a heart attack. I've known healthy people come down with pancreatic cancer and poof, they are gone.

As far as a afterlife, I believe there is more than this world but won't know or not know when the time comes.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.

 

[Bonzi]

I can't say I give it much thought, what's the point? I do some dangerous things, namely ride motorcycles so mortality is always staring your right in the face, especially when the drones behind the wheels these days. I could sit safely in my chair at home but that's not a life.

You can increase or decrease your odds, there are no guarantees in life. You can hit a deer in your car and die. A drunk can hit you. Someone with a heart attack. I've known healthy people come down with pancreatic cancer and poof, they are gone.

As far as a afterlife, I believe there is more than this world but won't know or not know when the time comes.

I've seen someone die before my eyes.
I mean talking about how the weather was going to be, turning around cause I heard a crash, and dead (or dying) on the sidewalk.
I was in shock, it's interesting because you have no clue what to do.
It never bothered me though. Strange.

 

[Bonzi]

I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.

what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?

it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:

(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol

That's pretty much it.

 

[strollingbones]

my fears arent so much for myself....i worry about grumpy....my son will be good....he will move on pretty quickly and i have told him not to begrudge grumpy that year waiting period and all....let that go....grumpy needs to be married...it suits him better than not being married

 

[IsaacNewton]

I only have a few years left where I can look decent enough where that might actually interest someone....
I am not cut out to be old and ugly.

Well that's life. The flower fades. I never was nice looking, but I'm for sure worse now than I was in my teens.

Although if you got the money, Cher still looks nice. Not sure it's worth it though. So much plastic in that girl, they should call her Charbie.

Know what I did today? Went to the market, hit two thrift stores, came home...and discovered that my blouse was inside out. LOL

I look awful. I did not grow old gracefully. But, with age, comes with the emotion of...."who the **** cares cuz I sure don't" mentality. I woulda died of embarrassment if I had done that 5 years ago. Now? Meh.

Be old, Bonzi. Nobody cares. Well, except you and it shouldn't.

Nope. Not for me.
Of course, until I have the courage to make that decision for myself, I'm at the mercy of time and fate.
I'm a shallow and selfish person. (God, I sound like paulie, gross)
I had a dream (now I sound like MLK), I realize it won't happen, not because it CAN'T but because I'm not willing to make the sacrifices (or wasn't) to make it happen.

Basically, I have quit. I am a dead person walking.

I don't like hearing that from anyone. Good lord you raised two kids who are happy and productive and have good hearts? That is more than enough on any scorecard.

If you want to do something do it by very tiny steps. Whenever I am faced with what appears to be Mt Everest that I have to climb I consider the great pyramids in Egypt. 2,000,000 blocks, the smallest weighing 2 tons. One block at a time.No matter what you want to do it won't take more than one day because you only live one day at a time. The next day you start again.

Everyone considers and does not want to face death, it is normal and healthy. I was looking at images of headstones a few days ago online, funny ones that people left behind. I'd like mine to be made of granite with two hands underneath trying to lift the stone up and a caption that says "wow, this thing is heavy".

I also have times of sadness and melancholy, which I also think are healthy. It is like your mind comforting itself and at times like that it is great to listen to sad songs or watch sad movies.
But as I've grown older I appreciate everything. Children laughing, a dog that is overjoyed to see you, coming over the rise in the highway on the way to Monterey and seeing the far expanse of the Pacific with Mozart playing or Ozzie blasting, driving through the giant sequoias in the Sierra Nevadas, helping someone down on their luck or homeless with a little money or food, the sighs and come-hither looks of women, seeing a little girl or 33 miners rescued from some hopeless dark pit.

 

[strollingbones]

your not too late to do any of that....living alone and being lonely are totally different things....seems you are pretty much loney now...why stay? money? most men are more generous than one might think when you leave them....sometimes they are glad you are gone and will happily pay for the being gone...for a while...

 

[strollingbones]

the noise of kids playing....such a great and hopeful sound....i love the drama of life....the noise...the chaos....i love watching the toddler discover things....even when she is fussing cause she cant quite use her words ...and wants to ....

we are all in the cycle of life...some of us...just beginning....others of us...mellowing into the distance...sometimes the invisibility of it all is hard...

 

[Bonzi]

my fears arent so much for myself....i worry about grumpy....my son will be good....he will move on pretty quickly and i have told him not to begrudge grumpy that year waiting period and all....let that go....grumpy needs to be married...it suits him better than not being married

my death worries me that way. How it will effect others. As selfish as I am, I actually do, deep down, love my kids.

 

[Bonzi]

I only have a few years left where I can look decent enough where that might actually interest someone....
I am not cut out to be old and ugly.

Well that's life. The flower fades. I never was nice looking, but I'm for sure worse now than I was in my teens.

Although if you got the money, Cher still looks nice. Not sure it's worth it though. So much plastic in that girl, they should call her Charbie.

Know what I did today? Went to the market, hit two thrift stores, came home...and discovered that my blouse was inside out. LOL

I look awful. I did not grow old gracefully. But, with age, comes with the emotion of...."who the **** cares cuz I sure don't" mentality. I woulda died of embarrassment if I had done that 5 years ago. Now? Meh.

Be old, Bonzi. Nobody cares. Well, except you and it shouldn't.

Nope. Not for me.
Of course, until I have the courage to make that decision for myself, I'm at the mercy of time and fate.
I'm a shallow and selfish person. (God, I sound like paulie, gross)
I had a dream (now I sound like MLK), I realize it won't happen, not because it CAN'T but because I'm not willing to make the sacrifices (or wasn't) to make it happen.

Basically, I have quit. I am a dead person walking.

I don't like hearing that from anyone. Good lord you raised two kids who are happy and productive and have good hearts? That is more than enough on any scorecard.

If you want to do something do it by very tiny steps. Whenever I am faced with what appears to be Mt Everest that I have to climb I consider the great pyramids in Egypt. 2,000,000 blocks, the smallest weighing 2 tons. One block at a time.No matter what you want to do it won't take more than one day because you only live one day at a time. The next day you start again.

Everyone considers and does not want to face death, it is normal and healthy. I was looking at images of headstones a few days ago online, funny ones that people left behind. I'd like mine to be made of granite with two hands underneath trying to lift the stone up and a caption that says "wow, this thing is heavy".

I also have times of sadness and melancholy, which I also think are healthy. It is like your mind comforting itself and at times like that it is great to listen to sad songs or watch sad movies.
But as I've grown older I appreciate everything. Children laughing, a dog that is overjoyed to see you, coming over the rise in the highway on the way to Monterey and seeing the far expanse of the Pacific with Mozart playing or Ozzie blasting, driving through the giant sequoias in the Sierra Nevadas, helping someone down on their luck or homeless with a little money or food, the sighs and come-hither looks of women, seeing a little girl or 33 miners rescued from some hopeless dark pit.

Thanks Isaac.

I am a deep thinking and think a lot. My happiest moments are my mornings. I do what I want without thought or regards to others.
I would have to get into some deep personal stuff to explain how my life is after that on a day to day basis. Something I'm not willing to do, not even with counselors or therapists.

I don't feel sad or melancholy. Having examined my life, I have two choices. Go on "as is" or make some sort of drastic move that would create upheaval on many levels and really that's all I can say about it. It's very serious.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.

what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?

it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:

(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol

That's pretty much it.

When both of my kids were in high school I had numerous conversations with them NOT to work for any commercial enterprise. Find a career in medical, education etc. Stay out of the business world.
For 8 years I ran a company, I made $millions in profits, not revenue, profits...for someone else. I put everything of myself into the job. And accomplished a LOT in my tenure...for someone else. And after 8 years of growth and margins well above industry average - they sold the business to an even larger corporation that merged the operation. **** me.
Of course I was offered a position, and I had offers all over the county. But I made a decision that I will never do this again. I do not want to spend 15 more years of 10-12 hour days. the stress and burden of running a business.
So now I operate a much smaller business, make a third of what I use to - but that is okay, I am set. More importantly I work a third as hard also.

 

[Bonzi]

I don't see Catcher In The Rye anywhere in that picture.....

 

[Bonzi]

I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.

what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?

it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:

(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol

That's pretty much it.

When both of my kids were in high school I had numerous conversations with them NOT to work for any commercial enterprise. Find a career in medical, education etc. Stay out of the business world.
For 8 years I ran a company, I made $millions in profits, not revenue, profits...for someone else. I put everything of myself into the job. And accomplished a LOT in my tenure...for someone else. And after 8 years of growth and margins well above industry average - they sold the business to an even larger corporation that merged the operation. **** me.
Of course I was offered a position, and I had offers all over the county. But I made a decision that I will never do this again. I do not want to spend 15 more years of 10-12 hour days. the stress and burden of running a business.
So now I operate a much smaller business, make a third of what I use to - but that is okay, I am set. More importantly I work a third as hard also.

Both my kids work for the Government (not contractors; THE government). They can retire at 50 (and maybe earlier...)

 

[iamwhatiseem]

I am 51, I am not really bothered by the thought of my demise so much...I don't want to die, but I do not dwell on it.
I am bothered more by things I know I will never do, and what I have or have not done like career choices I made where the money was good but did I really DO anything important or of value beyond the moment.

what's more important?
the money
or enjoying your work?

it's not a judgment.
we all have different desires, wants and needs out of life.
if I could wave a magic wand right now, here is what my life would look like:

(1) Living alone
(2) A job I enjoy, which would pay enough for an efficiency apartment or tiny house.
(3) TV and internet
(4) Alcohol

That's pretty much it.

When both of my kids were in high school I had numerous conversations with them NOT to work for any commercial enterprise. Find a career in medical, education etc. Stay out of the business world.
For 8 years I ran a company, I made $millions in profits, not revenue, profits...for someone else. I put everything of myself into the job. And accomplished a LOT in my tenure...for someone else. And after 8 years of growth and margins well above industry average - they sold the business to an even larger corporation that merged the operation. **** me.
Of course I was offered a position, and I had offers all over the county. But I made a decision that I will never do this again. I do not want to spend 15 more years of 10-12 hour days. the stress and burden of running a business.
So now I operate a much smaller business, make a third of what I use to - but that is okay, I am set. More importantly I work a third as hard also.

Both my kids work for the Government (not contractors; THE government). They can retire at 50 (and maybe earlier...)

Aye.
We have a semi-closed market system in America. We do not have free markets. We have markets that are HEAVILY favored towards the largest companies within those markets, as well as a tax system - corrupt local/state governments that give them HUGE tax breaks that smaller companies could only dream of. They write regulations that choke small businesses while helping large established businesses.
It is awful what is happening. Corporations have turned America into a collection of "Anytown, USA" - everytown has the same box stores, drug chains, grocer chains, retail chains doing 90% + of each market.
But I digress

 

[JakeStarkey]

my death worries me that way. How it will effect others. As selfish as I am, I actually do, deep down, love my kids.

Of course you love your kids, and you did a good job it sounds like.

 

[TyroneSlothrop]

I am going to live forever or die trying...............

 

[Renae]

www.near-death.com
I like this site, if you wade through the NDE's you start to get a feel for those that seem real, and those that are not. It makes one pause. I lost my mother when I was 7. She died after an 18 month fight with cancer, this was back in 1983. My father flew F-4's for the AF. I lived every day as a child certain that I'd be an orphan by bed time. (My father is alive and well btw) Death has always haunted me. I used to close my eyes and see death, seriously. A person I know had passed, and I could see them, lying generally on a table, or a slab, and for just a brief moment I'd feel the cold emptiness that was their non-existence. It would keep me up for hours. I'm torn on the thought of an ever lasting life. I'm a Christian, I believe in God, but my faith has it's doubts, it's questions as is normal. The one that haunts me the most is:
For me, if there is nothing after we die, the injustices of life are compounded beyond expectation. It means our existence is truly, meaningless. No matter how "good" or "evil" you were life in death we are are equal to oblivion. It means that the moment you die, you cease to have existed, why exist at all? Your loved ones aren't in a better place, they are in the same place as the criminal your state put to death last week. No where. It means the hedonist were right, and humanity's obsession with religion was beyond misguided. Thus I cannot accept this is the end, but I sometimes fear that this non-acceptance is rejection of the injustice rather than rational thought.

 

[Judicial review]

Ok. This needs clarification, but I won't talk about it in detail. My childhood sucked. My mother was extremely abusive and not just verbally. My father was a great guy, but he didn't stop the abuse even though he knew it was happening. I bailed at 17 years old. He gave me the money to run off. And I did.
From then on, life has pretty much sucked. But I lived it. I worked, had a roof over my head on my own efforts, eventually married, had 2 kids, sucked at being a good mom. I just didn't have the ability or knowledge how to be one since I was raised as a "burden". Shit happened. Bad shit. But I carried on and did the best I could. I am soon to be 64. I began falling apart at 58. I beat breast cancer. I am still here. But I am tired. I am ready to go. I do not fear it. It's just another adventure for me...death is. Maybe wherever I land afterwards will be better than what I have lived on this earth and MAYBE, I hope, some of the things I did do that were right, were good things for other people. That's it. That's all. Done.

Even though there is a direct corrolation between abuse and neglect and generations it can be broken if the person wants it to. Don't blame your parents for how you are blame you and you'll heal.

The only thing in your life you have me beat on is cancer. You think childhood abuse is bad try 21 years of it. Try having to feed all 5 people in family paycheck to paycheck for 7 years right after high school graduation. The day after. Try feeling the anxiety of if you make 1 mistake your whole family doesn't eat or you lose your home. Try being the most hated man in your family after sacrificing everything and your life to save them.

I don't blame anybody. I actually thank god everyday for who I am.

Wrap your head around that.