Merlin1047
Senior Member
DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
