The annoyed boss

[rtwngAvngr]

The angry boss swore as the underling fidgeted nervously.

"Simmons, will you please quit chattering and squirming, What's wrong with you?"

Simmons sat silently. His eyes began to well up.

"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."

Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office.

 

[Said1]

What's this?

Underling doesn't work well either. Use cafone and change it to a mafia story.


Just kidding.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

What's this?

Underling doesn't work well either. Use cafone and change it to a mafia story.


Just kidding.

Why do you hate me? Just kidding!

 

[Said1]

I thought the boss was annoyed?

Why is he annoyed, mid-life crisis looming and always in a perpetual state of anxiety since his friends started dropping dead a few years ago?

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I thought the boss was annoyed?

Why is he annoyed, mid-life crisis looming and always in a perpetual state of anxiety since his friends started dropping dead a few years ago?

He's annoyed at the weakness, immaturity, and incompetence of his workers. It's certainly not like when he was coming up through the ranks. He needs a scotch.

 

[Said1]

He's annoyed at the weakness, immaturity, and incompetence of his workers. It's certainly not like when he was coming up through the ranks. He needs a scotch.

It's usually the boss who lacks competence and maturity. Probably all the scotch.

 

[jillian]

ooh...hope you don't mind if I play, too....

The angry boss swore as the underling fidgeted nervously.

"Simmons, will you please quit chattering and squirming, What's wrong with you?"

Simmons sat silently. His eyes began to well up.

"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."

Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office.

Mr. Billings swore under his breath at his newest trainee whose words were coming out of his mouth in an incoherant stream.

"Simmons will you please stop your chattering and sit still, dammit. What on earth is wrong with you?"

Simmons immediately went silent, his eyes welling with tears.

"Oh, Jaysus.... you're not going to start to cry, are you?"....

On that note, Billings turned on his heels and walked out of the boardroom, disgusted by the talentless, gutless group of trainees being turned out by what passed for universities these days.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

ooh...hope you don't mind if I play, too....



Mr. Billings swore under his breath at his newest trainee whose words were coming out of his mouth in an incoherant stream.

"Simmons will you please stop your chattering and sit still, dammit. What on earth is wrong with you?"

Simmons immediately went silent, his eyes welling with tears.

"Oh, Jaysus.... you're not going to start to cry, are you?"....

On that note, Billings turned on his heels and walked out of the boardroom, disgusted by the talentless, gutless group of trainees being turned out by what passed for universities these days.

That's actually a good rewrite, incorporating the flavor of stuff i thought of later. You ARE good for something! :teeth:

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I am little light on adjective use, because really I want to be a screenwriter. Adjectives are basically useless in that context.

 

[jillian]

That's actually a good rewrite, incorporating the flavor of stuff i thought of later. You ARE good for something! :teeth:

(just kidding).... :

 

[jillian]

I am little light on adjective use, because really I want to be a screenwriter. Adjectives are basically useless in that context.

Ah...didn't realize that from that little bit. Seemed more prose than screenplay. Good luck with the writing. Real competative field to choose.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Ah...didn't realize that from that little bit. Seemed more prose than screenplay. Good luck with the writing. Real competative field to choose.

Yeah. Well. That little bit was prose.

 

[jillian]

Yeah. Well. That little bit was prose.

Fun stuff..... I actually love to write. But sometimes it's more fun to edit than to have to create.

 

[Nienna]

The boss swore

you can tell he's angry bc he's swearing, cut out "angrily."

as the underling fidgeted.

fidgeting is a nervous activity; no need to reiterate. Cut out "nervously."

"Simmons, will you please quit chattering

was Simmons chattering?

squirming, What's wrong with you?"

Simmons sat silently.

maybe: "Simmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up."

"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."

Come on, now! At least capitalize the Lord's name, even if you ARE using it in vain! :tng:

Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office.

Maybe: "Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door." Using stronger verbs eliminates the need for many adjectives and adverbs, conveys the emotion without the extra words. This, you said, was your goal.

So, in summary:

The boss swore as the underling fidgeted. "Simmons, will you please quit squirming? What's wrong with you?"

SImmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up.

"So you're going to cry, now? Oh Jesus!" Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door.

That's my rewrite!

 

[rtwngAvngr]

you can tell he's angry bc he's swearing, cut out "angrily." fidgeting is a nervous activity; no need to reiterate. Cut out "nervously."

was Simmons chattering? maybe: "Simmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up."
Come on, now! At least capitalize the Lord's name, even if you ARE using it in vain! :tng:


Maybe: "Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door." Using stronger verbs eliminates the need for many adjectives and adverbs, conveys the emotion without the extra words. This, you said, was your goal.

So, in summary:

The boss swore as the underling fidgeted. "Simmons, will you please quit squirming? What's wrong with you?"

SImmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up.

"So you're going to cry, now? Oh Jesus!" Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door.

That's my rewrite!

Yes. Cleaner. Me likey.

 

[Nienna]

Yes. Cleaner. Me likey.

Yay!

 

[Abbey Normal]

Just for fun- the employee's story:

Mr. Billings tried to camouflage his tears as Simmons squirmed in his seat.

Oh, Jeez, thought Simmons, my usual horrid timing. Why did I have to come in here now to ask for a raise?

As he fidgeted around, trying to find an excuse to leave, Simmons only succeeded in making the boss even more upset. The problem was temporarily solved when Mr. Billings fled the room in embarassment and slammed the office door.

Stunned and disheartened, Simmons was determined to log on to Monster.com that very afternoon.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Just for fun- the employee's story:

Mr. Billings tried to camouflage his tears as Simmons squirmed in his seat.

Oh, Jeez, thought Simmons, my usual horrid timing. Why did I have to come in here now to ask for a raise?

As he fidgeted around, trying to find an excuse to leave, Simmons only succeeded in making the boss even more upset. The problem was temporarily solved when Mr. Billings fled the room in embarassment and slammed the office door.

Stunned and disheartened, Simmons was determined to log on to Monster.com that very afternoon.

Lol. That's the spirit!