S
Sandy73
Guest
Dear Friends,
>
>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
>
>Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
>story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
>
>Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
>that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
>tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was
>our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
>for my sweet girl.
>
>What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
>a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
>a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
>incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
>electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
>short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
>allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button,
>and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
>in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect.
>
>I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
>metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
>forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
>I did so.
>
>Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
>Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
>yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
>microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
>Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
>flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for
>a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
>kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to
>protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
>would work as advertised.
>
>Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
>time.
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
>way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second
>burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
>rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
>decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
>ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
>recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
>testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
>under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
>standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
>my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
>when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until
>it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
>floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
>dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
>titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
>with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
>two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I must say so myself.
>
>
>
>Miss 'em . . .sure would like to get 'em back.
>
>NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun.
>NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . think of the possibilities.
>
>This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
>stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case.
>
>Have a nice day!
>
>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
>
>Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
>story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
>
>Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn
>that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
>tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was
>our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
>for my sweet girl.
>
>What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
>a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
>a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
>incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
>electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
>short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
>allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
>prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button,
>and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
>whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things
>in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
>was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
>stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
>model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
>do love fire for effect.
>
>I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
>metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
>forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
>I did so.
>
>Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
>Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
>yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
>microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
>Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
>flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for
>a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
>kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to
>protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
>would work as advertised.
>
>Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
>time.
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
>hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
>would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
>supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
>three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
>ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this
>little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
>circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
>triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
>way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
>cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
>one-second
>burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound,
>rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I
>decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
>(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty.
>It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though
>it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
>ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
>body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely
>recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire,
>testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
>under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was
>standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking
>my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note
>of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
>when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until
>it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
>floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
>dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
>
>SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
>fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
>titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
>with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or
>two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
>handsome if I must say so myself.
>
>
>
>Miss 'em . . .sure would like to get 'em back.
>
>NOTE TO MEN: DO NOT buy your wife a Tazer gun.
>NOTE TO WOMEN: Buy lots of batteries . . think of the possibilities.
>
>This message is provided to you as a public service to illustrate that
>stupid should hurt, and most assuredly always does in my case.
>
>Have a nice day!
