Gay-Bashing Bash (from Juliet and Romeo: A Plague - I mean - A Play on Life in America)
“GAYS AND DYKES” (sung to “Guys and Dolls”)
ROMEO and his gay art friends Mercutio, Benvolio and Portfolio make fun of homophobia.
Cue: "So forget those Capulets those hopeless homophobes are more afraid of us!"
MERCUTIO: Who’s hanging ’round the art bar? I’ll tell you who’s hanging ’round the art bar:
A bunch of bisexual boys so hot for a gang of trisexual girls
They use up enough condoms to cover up an art car!
THAT’S who’s hanging ’round the art bar!
BENVOLIO: What’s in the Montrose Voice? I’ll tell you what’s in the Montrose Voice:
A personal ad from some transsexual STILL in transition
Cuz "He-She-It” DIDN'T wanna make a CHOICE!
THAT’S what’s in the Montrose Voice!
STACEY: What’s happening in Houston?
WENDY: I’ll tell you what’s happening in Houston:
Kids coming out of the closet to get back at the parents who abused ’em!
ALL FOUR: THAT’S what’s happening in Houston!
You gotta recognize ’em to resist ’em,
Or you’ll fall another victim to their system!
MERCUTIO: Yes, sir, when you see a guy Dressed like ME! walking by,
You can tell that the fellow is really gay!
PORTFOLIO: When you spot some snot with a feminine name,
Chances are he’s a flame Who’s playing a game Dolling up like a dame!
BENVOLIO: When an older gent Is still sharing his rent
With a man not related in any way -
TRIO: Are they just saving money? Or is something about them “funny”?
No surprise th’guys turn out to be bi’s or gays!
WOMYN: If you know a co-ed Who’s shaven off half her head,
If she’s pro-vegetarian, she’s a DYKE!
STACEY: If she won’t go out but she’s not saying much,
You’ll find out she’s a femme Forsaking all men For one special “butch”!
WOMYN: When your daughter dear Chains her nose to her ear,
WENDY: Or your son’s into black lace and high-heel spikes,
ALL: Pray to God, pray to Heaven, Or just wait around “twenty-four/seven”
’Til they outgrow the phase of being gays or dykes!
YIKES!
from Juliet and Romeo, a Screwball Tragedy, Lyrics by Emily Nghiem