'My Big Fat Global Warming Allegory'
Another wintry blast! They're calling the cold, "Polar Vortex," and the snow, "Lake Effect," but all I know is that my house will be crushed like the local Wal-Mart if I don't get this crap shoveled off my roof in a hurry!
We got seven feet of 'Global Warming' (yet again!) in three day's time, and by God, if I so much as hear Al Gore's name mentioned on the news tonight, i'm gonna throw my beer bottle right through the TV screen!
I believed! Oh, I believed! But this can't be! Stop testing my faith, Al; I've already failed ...
What's all the big commotion?
It snowed just yesterday.
And the rising of the ocean
Is only dramatic overplay.
He's defrauding me with Science.
Defrauding me with Science!
And ignoring simple history.
When he's flying in his Learjet,
(Defrauding me with Science - Science!)
They say he leaves a footprint.
(Science, Science!)
But it's all a big promotion,
When it snowed just yesterday.
And I see no rising of the ocean.
On the young and naive he preys.
But he defrauded me with Science.
He defrauded me with Science!
And disregarded meteorology.
When Gore is flying ever nearer.
(Defrauding me with Science-Science, Science!)
I can see Al Jazeera.
(Defrauding me with Science - Science, Science!)
I thought he had such devotion,
But now he's mocking me.
He sold out the Arctic Ocean,
To pump and dump Current TV.
He defrauded me with Science.
He defrauded me with Science!
And got off on a technicality.
Good God Al Gore -
He's terrible.
I can't believe it!
There he goes again!
He's hidden his dossier,
And I must get an FOIA,
To see his inner secrets,
And little pet tricks.
It's simple harmonic motion,
When it snowed just yesterday.
And the rising of the ocean,
A cycle repeated every day.
But he defrauded me with Science.
He defrauded me with Science!
While promoting an immorality.
Without a "Wonderful Life" emotion,
A White Christmas he never sees.
He talks only in slow motion,
About polar vortex mysteries,
He defrauded me with Science.
He defrauded me with Science!
And failed in philanthropy.
I shoveled and struggled, and huffed and puffed my way through several mini-avalanches, until my roof was clear, about 8 P.M. Finally resting and relaxing in front of my TV, beer in hand, who do I see but none other than Al Gore, presenting his first of 24 episodes of “It’s Urgent to Rendezvous with Reality to Save the Future of Civilization."
I should have flipped him off when he began his soliloquy! Too tired to react, or just too lazy, I heard him say this:
"Darkness falls across Greenland"
The ice gone, now only barren sand.
Animals crawl in search of food
In packs or alone in two-legged broods.
And whosoever shall be found
That can't withstand the killing ground
Must face a million degrees of hell
And speak from inside a skeptic's shell.
The foulest chemicals are in the air,
The carbon dioxide of two hundred years.
A mere 24 hours from your tomb,
Six feet below to seal your doom.
The earth may fight to stay alive
But from pole to pole to pillar.
No force of nature can survive
The evil anthropogenic killer
Now he"a talking to a skeptic, and discussing the "Pause." The skeptic thinks this is an indication of "Gobal Cooling," rather than warming! It looks like Al has painted himself into a corner! I'm gonna enjoy this!
Al: Oh, Heaven, Dear Heaven!
If the trend is as you decry,
The Ice Age has already begun,
And we will all freeze and die.
You foresee a frozen earth,
And of humanity there is a dearth:
With frozen hearts bleeding red
Fallen, both cold and dead.
Even tho' your theories might belie
A forcing agent, a greenhouse gassing,
Would it not be worth a try
To forestall our frosty passing?
To form a blanket, with warmth abound
To defeat the impending crisis,
Before we all are found
Frozen stiff and lifeless!
Now can you not see how some
Want to save the planet we cherish;
Otherwise our home will become
A barren desert where all perish.
Al explains, We don't need catastrophic global warming to experience catastrophe. We need only to get close.'
'There will not be enough resources to sustain us all. There will be oil wars, food wars, water wars. People will kill those who they perceive to stand in the way of their own survival. Both the killers and the killed will be the wealthy and the poor, the educated and the illiterate, the young and the old. Alliances will be made and broken. Chaos will ensue.
Will we survive? Models don't tell us."