Need help with my story

[factorfilms]

I have been writing a new screenpaly for awhile now but I haven't really gotten much further because I've been busy and I'm stuck on a transition problem. Maybe you guys can help me. Here's the basic story summary...

A little girl befriends a Salvation Army santa (the ones you always see in front of the department stores and whatnot). This santa's name is Max. He is a homeless man that lives under a bridge with a few other guys. Of course Max is the hero in the story so to speak. He is always light hearted and loves life despite his situation. Later in the story the little girl gets kidnapped so of course the parents blame it on Max. But Max is out looking for the girl. He finally finds her under this bridge that he lives under with on of the guys that he "lives with." Well push comes to shove and the parents, police, and news media all arrive at the scene under the bridge with the kidnapper and Max fighting. In the end Max saves the day but loses his life in the process. The police take away the kidnapper and everyone lives happily ever after (lol). I really wanted to have a QT twist at the end.

Anyway I have made the girl around 8 years old. My biggest problem is letting her go see Max without her parents. I've been trying to think of ways where she just goes to the store, but her parents would find out sooner or later. Any ideas, it's only on the first draft so I'll try anything. Thanks.

 

[Dan]

Interesting story. I was a little unclear with this...

He finally finds her under this bridge that he lives under with on of the guys that he "lives with."

What is she doing with the guy under the bridge? Did she know Max lived there? If I'm way off, forgive me for saying this, but is the guy that Max lives with raping her? Or has he kidnapped her? Unless she knows that Max lives there, it doesn't seem like an eight-year-old girl, no matter how innocent, would wander under a bridge occupied by homeless people. Could you be a little more clear with this?

As for the way she meets Max, maybe she could see him doing something other than working out front of the store in the santa costume, and they could meet that way. Have you seen Bad Santa? This story seems kind of similar to that, my advice would be to watch that and try and keep the story from getting too much like that.

Sounds good, though, Ill be interested to hear where you decide to go with this.

 

[factorfilms]

Well the original idea is that Max actually takes her to the bridge or she sees him on TV (like a news story update on homeless in the city on Christmas) and decides to visit him. I wasn't planning on having him rape her, just holding her hostage as some revenge against Max (still to be written).

I haven't seen Bad Santa yet, although I swear everytime i start a new screenplay a movie comes out that's similar to it.

Thanks for the comments.

 

[Dan]

Well the original idea is that Max actually takes her to the bridge or she sees him on TV (like a news story update on homeless in the city on Christmas) and decides to visit him. I wasn't planning on having him rape her, just holding her hostage as some revenge against Max (still to be written).

Oh, ok. That sounds really interesting!

I haven't seen Bad Santa yet, although I swear everytime i start a new screenplay a movie comes out that's similar to it.

Join the club, a few years back I had this idea for a parody of teen movies. I even thought of using old Rat Packers as teachers in cameos (I was young and felt like these things would be easy to do). I sit on the idea for about four years, "Not Another Teen Movie" comes out, and I'm done.

Also, my roommate and I were talking about movies (he knows I want to be a filmmaker) and he told me "you should just go down to Cancun and film all the stuff that goes on down there, I'd watch that." One day later, we saw the preview for "The Real Cancun". He still refuses to watch it.

 

[Creek]

Maybe rewrite the script some..and have the little girl closer to Max..where she don't have to adventure across town..Maybe she lives so close...she can see him out her window...or close enough to hear his bell jingle.....Thank God it's not a plot where who abducts the child intends terrible harm......Maybe add a brother in that's 11..or 12,or a friend that follows his foot steps in the snow..to where he lives under the bridge....while babysitting the little girl....You can think of something..

I also wanted to write the real story of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas...into a reality version...A couple years later...it came out as a fantasy,but non animated version.....

I'd personaly like to see more movies that are not so graphic in nature..and have a plot that touches the heart more...I feel alot of writters,and producers are ignoring the most important feature a viewer watches..or reads...to touch their heart...More than when the space shuttle lands...and a kiss at the end!!

Good luck writting guys!!....Keep up the good work..

 

[echoecho]

Like the idea of the little girl's Mommy maybe letting her put a donation in Salvation Army Santa Max's collection kettle and by the twinkle in his eye she's SURE he's the real Santa.
He smiles and she offers him some of the cookies she's gotten at the mall, and he thanks her and says he'll share them with his helpers.

Then she sees Santa Max on a TV report about the homeless people and tells Mommy he must have gotten lost or had sleigh trouble and they HAVE to help him get back to the North Pole in time for Christmas.

Mommy, of course, does a "yes dear" and pooh-pooh's her concern. So the little girl sneaks out early in the eveneing to try to find him. In her quest, she sees another SA Santa collecting donations close-by. She asks him to help and he fools her by saying he's a helper of the one she's looking for and offers to take her to where Good Santa/Max is repairing the sleigh and feeding the reindeer ?

Phony Santa isn't really a homeless guy, he's a scam artist who's infiltrated the homeless "camp" and has been robbing the unfortunates of their few possessions, stealing packages from cars in the mall lots, and even stealing money out of the collection kettles. He figures he's hit it big and this little girl is good for some mega-ransom.

When Good Santa Max sees the news of the girl's disappearance ( TV in store Window ) he knows exactly who is involved. He has been watching him, knows his activities and has been trying to figure out how to stop him. Santa Max runs when the Police approach to question him, because he knows Phony Santa is a jerk, that nobody will believe him, but most important that the little girl who shared her precious cookies with him will be very cold and very afraid.

I don't like that Good Santa Max loses his life in the rescue effort. ( Good get's you killed at Christmas ?) Why not have some reindeer show up and overpower and subdue the Phony Santa -- maybe hold him down for the Police ? -- You can wound one of the reindeer in the fray if you like, maybe in the leg ? ... then have him magically jump off the bridge carrying Good Santa where they seem to disappear !

When they ( the police, the media , the family) turn around, from looking over the bridge ALL the reindeer are gone and there's just a bunch of homeless guys again

The little girl is safe and tells everyone the sequence of events and hopes Santa made it back in time. On Christmas morning, she finds a Toy Reindeer with a bandage on it's leg and a whole box of the special cookies that she gave to Good Santa that first day ... he's sharing them with one of his helpers

 

[lilcountriegal]

He figures he's hit it big and this little girl is good for some mega-ransom.

That's what I was going to suggest. I dont know I'd go the way of the homeless guy kidnapping her as revenge against "Max" so much as I would go the way of the kidnapper setting his sights on her by WATCHING her interact with Max... maybe noticing she's rich by her clothing, etc., and thinking he can get a bunch of ransom out of the parents

 

[factorfilms]

Thanks for all the ideas, I was going to have him kidnap her for just her wealthy background at first but then I needed a connection to Max so the revenge thing was the easiest way into it, but with your ideas I have thought of a few other things that I'm going to try. The two things I want to avoid is a typical Christmas movie that you see day in and day out between Thanksgiving and Christmas on TV. And I also want to avoid it being graphic like you said, despite how graphic it sounds right now I do want this to be a heart felt story especially toward the character Max. Anyway, you've given me some great ideas and I'll be working on it some more thanks :clap1:

 

[rtwngAvngr]

The little girl, a mere pawn in a story of yuletide hobo revenge? Crazy baby! I like it. I like it a lot. I like the concept of the transforming reindeer/hobos. Great stuff. We need a sleigh chase and candy cane striptease scene cameo with J-lo and this is a hit! Soundtrack w/50cent, bubba sparks, coldplay, and justin timberlake.

:clap1: :clap1: :clap1: :clap1: