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Lies I Don't Care For Too Much

Madeline

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We all lie, to ourselves if no one else. I'm good with everyone adjusting the controls on their reality-viewers, a little at least. We all need that.

But folks, some of the lies we tell are just goofy little habits or laziness. I object to both of these classes of lies. Put some effort into your lying. Be a bit original. Use a backstory occassionally.

In this vein, here are examples of some types lies I don't care for:

* I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Give me a break. You dream up MUCH sicker shit than this whenever you ponder why you hate the fucker. Sometimes, you even scare yourself with the twisted stuff you come up with.

* I'd love to, but I'm not allowed.

You're not denying yourself anything you truely love just because some doctor said so. If you could give it up, you didn't LOVE it.

* I would NEVER even think of doing that.

C'mon. You've been fantasizing all your life. Whatever the "bad thing" is you are referring to, it's not even on your top ten list.

* How are you?

I realize this is just a breathy way to say "hello". I do. But yanno, if you would simply choose instead to say "hello" we could skip the social dousie-do I have to perform each time you prompt me with this cue.

* O, I'm sorry. I have to run now. Someone's at the door. Let me call you back.

What's wrong with "I'm bored. I want to masterbate now. Bye."?

* Hi! I'm with the government and I'm here to help!

If you're gonna rape me, I'd prefer we not call it a date.

 
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I don't care for people who, in their desperate need for attention, write in BIG BLUE fonts.
 
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Madeline

Madeline

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I don't care for people who, in their desperate need for attention, write in BIG BLUE fonts.

So you wander around the entire USMB universe behind them repeating that sentiment endlessly?

BTW, CaliforniaGirl, this is the Humor Board. You may not have noticed as you fired up "search for Madeline" yet again. May want to check and see if your sense of humor is beyond repair.

I noticed a member using green font color. Go piss on his doorstep for awhile and leave me be. You're boring me.
 

JW Frogen

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Am I the only one who thinks this thread can only go all Twin Peaks on us?
 
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Madeline

Madeline

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What's wrong with "I'm bored. I want to masterbate now. Bye."?

Nothing, that is the working title of my biography.

LOLOL. My biography will be written by Kitty Kelly, the Queen of "Gotcha!" journalism. She will shame me with such revelations about me as:

"Madeline masterbated. Alot. She had special appliances for that very purpose. As she got older, this problem only got worse. By 50, she was having wet dreams about masterbating."

 

JW Frogen

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I understand where you are coming from (no pun intended) I masturbate so much my Hyundai Getz is now known as the Getz It On Mobile.

It takes me 40 minutes to get to work, just enough time for a hand job and bottle of wine.
 
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Madeline

Madeline

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I understand where you are coming from (no pun intended) I masturbate so much my Hyundai Getz is now known as the Getz It On Mobile.

It takes me 40 minutes to get to work, just enough time for a hand job and bottle of wine.


Whoever said that as she ages, a lady has a low libido was a liar, but that lie I DO like. Love. Treasure. I think it's my favorite.

O, pardon me. I'll be right back. I think I hear someone at my door..........LMAO.
 

dilloduck

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I understand where you are coming from (no pun intended) I masturbate so much my Hyundai Getz is now known as the Getz It On Mobile.

It takes me 40 minutes to get to work, just enough time for a hand job and bottle of wine.


Whoever said that as she ages, a lady has a low libido was a liar, but that lie I DO like. Love. Treasure. I think it's my favorite.

O, pardon me. I'll be right back. I think I hear someone at my door..........LMAO.

I think it's the kidnapping and ransom insurance salesman---if your really lucky you might get screwed.
 
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Madeline

Madeline

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Insurance policies of all stripes are just a way to pay ahead for bad sex you're never going to get anyway.

A lawyer, an accountant and an insurance guy are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.

The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.

The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.

The insurance guy reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.


ROFLMAO.
 
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Madeline

Madeline

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omg--I know that actuary !!! :lol:

Just for you then dilloduck:

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck.

The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place.

Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free.

The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

*Winks*
 

mudwhistle

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omg--I know that actuary !!! :lol:

Just for you then dilloduck:

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck.

The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place.

Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free.

The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

*Winks*

Is that a blond joke?
 

mudwhistle

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