jokes

[miketx]

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?"

"Because.....he's thinking of getting married

 

[miketx]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[miketx]

 

[miketx]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[miketx]

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking.
She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied.

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

 

[skye]

 

[Votto]

A man was at his home dying in his bed and very depressed, however, he smelled something amazing as it lightened up his spirits.
It was the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he got out of bed, and he went to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last human strength, he reached over to take one of the cookies, and his wife saw him, she rushed over, she slapped his hand, and she said, "No, they are for the funeral."

 

[Captain Caveman]

What's Australia's biggest export? Boomerangs

What's Australia's biggest import? Boomerangs

 

[Votto]

Funny thing, the Canary Islands have no canaries

Interestingly enough, the Virgin Islands don't have any canaries either.

 

[Muhammed]

I painted my computer black to make it run faster...

Now it won't work.

 

[Votto]

I painted my computer black to make it run faster...

Now it won't work.

I did the same thing. The only thing my computer does now is jump higher.

 

[Ringo]

Guys turning right from the far left lane, remember, your boyfriends are waiting for you at home.

 

[Ringo]

We should not vote for Democrats or Republicans, we should vote for Insurance companies! They are one of the few organizations, that really want nothing bad to happen to us.

 

[skye]

 

[Ringo]

-If I can't eat bacon for religious reasons, are there substitutes?
-There are plenty of substitutes: Christianity, paganism, Buddhism. Atheism, after all.

Teacher:
-What did Robin Hood give away to the poor?
Student (cautiously):
-WiFi?

 

[Ringo]

A personnel officer died. She went to God's judgment, stood before the Almighty and said:
-“God, take me to your paradise!
-What have you done good in your life, my daughter?
-Well, I've worked all my life as a personnel officer and hired people.
-All right! We'll call you back.

When someone wants to humiliate a woman, he says she sleeps around with men.
When someone wants to humiliate a man, they say he sleeps around with men.
In short, sleeping with men is humiliating.

Unfair competition:
- Hello, is this Jane?
- No, this is her long-legged, blue-eyed sister ...

The pyramid of Cheops wasn't built by Cheops, it was built five thousand years earlier.
But it was Cheops who made the last mortgage payment.

-How did you become a millionaire?
-Thanks to my wife.
-?!
-I was wondering at what point she'd stop complaining about not having enough money.
-Well, when did she stop complaining?
-Who told you she stopped complaining?

 

[hondo 50]

A mexican, a jew, and hot sauce walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck outa here."

 

[skye]

 

[Dr.Destructo]

Friend 1 - "Did you see that black man walk into that tanning salon"?

Friend 2 - "Why the hell would he go into a place like that"?

Friend 1 - "I know, right? Theres nothing he can steal and carry out"



Yeah, I know. I heard it today and thought it was ignorant enough to post on here for the Demwits.