She was very, very old and very, very sick.
She was rude to me.
She did not get the work done, it was left piling up everywhere.
Every time I looked at her computer she was viewing something non-work related.
The boss took her out on cigarette breaks on her wheelchair. It was obvious he cared for her very much.
She had been with the firm for 25 years and there was no way he was ever going to fire her no natter how much she goofed off and slept at her desk.
Every day I wished she would go away, I wanted her gone, I wanted her to retire.
On Monday evening she passed away.
And now I feel guilty, because I wanted her gone, and now she is gone.
I can tell no one at work how I feel.
Dear
Blackrook maybe you knew in advance
she was on her way out. If you wanted her to stay
and depended on her to be there this would hurt you when she left.
But since you were not depending on her,
then she could leave without unresolved entanglements.
To be disconnected is sometimes helpful.
With people who are going to leave me, I've developed a
sense for why I become detached from them and something
prevents me from getting emotionally too close. This is
nature's way of protecting me and setting me up to prepare
and not be so dependent that it would disrupt or devastate me.
Sometimes you need to be divorced or push away from people.
Sometimes you need that space.
Please forgive whatever bad feelings you have,
and this will pass sooner than if you let guilt trap you there.